The Neither Big Nor Clever London Noder Meet

London Booze Monkeys Ahoy!

Saturday 7th September AND 28th September 2002

5pm onwards

The Fitzroy Tavern, London

What's it all about, Alfie?

If you're anything like me - into centaur porn, pensioner abuse and tree frottage - then you're kicking yourself for not being able to make today's meetup (Thursday, 14th August). Maybe you wanted to go, but didn't have enough money, notice, clothes, or flying monkeys. Have no fear, because help is at hand in the form of next month's The Neither Big Nor Clever London Noder Meet. Come and worship the monkey, drink beer, and talk of times past.

If you really need more of an excuse to turn up (there's beer, noders, what more do you want?), I've just been told by Kidas that it's his 1 year e2 anniversary on Saturday 28th September - by an amazing, terrifying coincidence, this is also the day of the meet! Wow!!! Look, too many exclamation marks!!!!!!!!

Oh fuck, not another bloody meet... When and where is it?

Saturday, 7th AND 28th September, from 5pm onwards. When this was posted, I had 4 separate dates up, and decided that the day the most people can make, then that will it be. Sorry, I lost control of the grammar in that sentence. It happens. Now, I had a clever system going for deciding the days, but it's all gone horribly awry. Saturdays won it, but there was some confusion over which one (I did the confuseling) so bugger it, we're having two meets. If you can make both, come along. I can, and will. Wahey!

As for the where, I'm going to be controversial. Recent meets have been epic affairs, lasting whole weekends, offering places to crash, providing maps, addresses of hostels, links to sites that can help, blah blah blah - I'm really not into organising any shit like that, I'm quite happy for us just to end up in a pub, drinking and talking. Some of the best meets have been organised along these lines - there's nothing wrong with the big, majestic ones, I plan on going to one soon, but this is a plain, vanilla, missionary position with the lights off pub outing. Hence the neither big nor clever thing.

Location: The Fitzroy Tavern. This is a last minute change, as the Bricklayer's doesn't open the upstairs bit on Saturday nights. It can be found on Charlotte Street, on the corner where it joins Windmill Street. Nearest tube is Tottenham Court Road or Goodge Street. Come out of Tottenham Court Road, walk past the Virgin Megastore along Oxford Street, turn right when you get to Rathbone Place, walk along Rathbone Place and it will become Charlotte Street, keep going, and you'll find the Fitzroy Tavern on a corner fairly soon. There is a picture of it here www.fancyapint.com/thepubs/pub6.htm - ignore the poor review, The Librarian assures me that it is a good pub, and "only seedy if you're sober". So blame him if we all get stabbed. If you've been to the Bricklayer's, just carry on past it and turn right. It's probably better to look at the map, so go here: http://makeashorterlink.com/?I263546B1 - yes, I said there wouldn't be any maps or anything, but I lied. Lied through my teeth! And I'll do it again! And again! Until I have destroyed you! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!

For delightful local colour about the Fitzroy, go to http://freespace.virgin.net/cooper.westrow/fitzroy_tavern.htm and read about the history. Apparently, in the 1920s, it was frequented by "writers, poets, sculptors, composers, critics, artists, artist's models, showgirls, music hall artistes, criminals, rebels, policemen, students, tourists, drifters and people on the run" - which pretty much covers everyone here on e2. Boom boom! Other good news is that back then the landlord also tolerated "unconventional dress and homosexuals of both sexes". But no funny stuff.

If anyone has trouble finding the place, or needs someone to laugh at any personal problems, phone me: 0208 367 4831 at home, or 07765 594 057 on the mobile - but if you know how I feel about mobiles, don't be surprised if the bastard is never switched on.

Food: Unlike previous meets, there will be no expeditions to bizarre Japanese restaurants to eat slimy things with legs. (fondue says What, no sushi? But I so enjoy finding myself hunched over a toilet at 5am vomiting up strands of raw onion, my eyes and ring stinging like they've been attacked by angry wasps. - thanks for that image, fondue, I shall not sleep tonight, thinking of your raw, map-of-Bonanza ringpiece quivering over an onion-splattered toilet bowl). Have something to eat before you arrive, or sneak out for chips halfway through and come back - once we're settled in the pub, that's it. This is a simple meetup with booze. If everyone wants to go on somewhere after the pub shuts, that's groovy - sadly, due to the shoddy infrastructure I laughingly refer to as "the London rail service", I will have to go home around closing time, otherwise I will be forced to sell my arse for a helicopter ride home.

Sigh... who's going, then?

Potentially, these folks: fondue; TallRoo; princess loulou; The Librarian; Gritchka; Wyldwynd; (darsi); bol; iain; heyoka; gnarl; The Alchemist; wertperch; ascorbic; JodieK; amnesiac; Oolong; spiregrain; StrawberryFrog; Frankie; Pandora; girlotron; booyaa; call; SharQ; the Chilled Monkey.

The people above are invited because I've either met them, or heard that they went to a meet, or because they live here, or because I think they live here, or because they live nearby, or because they said they'd like to come along, or because they always turn up anywhere there's booze (coughLibrariancough). I started wading through the Everything People Registry, but it's as boring as watching shite dry, so if you know of more people who can make it, or can make it yourself, particularly if you're from a different country/area and passing through, please msg me - if your name isn't here, it doesn't mean you're snubbed or anything, I just don't know you yet, or think you live somewhere else, so tell me, come along, and we'll all meet up. I mean, Christ, I'm not doing hand-lettered gilt-edged invitations or anything, if you're in the area that day, just come along, blimey, what do you want, blood? Bring back national service, that'll drum some discipline into the buggers, send em all back to Elbonia, bring back hanging, I'd pull the bloody lever meself, I mean, you'd think they won the bleedin war or summink, innit?

Current confirmed/maybe/no lists:

I'm there, dude: Me, obviously (RalphyK); wertperch (7th, not 28th); fondue; TallRoo; princess loulou; The Librarian; the Chilled Monkey; StrawberryFrog; ascorbic; CapnTrippy; Pandora; booyaa; JodieK; ponder; Tiefling ("Count me in as neither big nor clever"); darl; Great Neb.

Maybe, if there's nothing on telly: (darsi); Gritchka; Wyldwynd; heyoka; gnarl; ascorbic; Oolong; spiregrain; SharQ; insanefuzzie; Teiresias; decimetre; call; Siobhan; bexxta (if she's still around); Kidas; ConfusionTheWaitress; Albert Herring ("a very vague maybe, if I happen to be in the country whenever you choose to hold it"); Catchpole; HamsterMan; pedrolio; NightWriter; fuzzy; ReiToei; Hexter.

You couldn't pay me to be there: The Alchemist, sadly ("will be in NZ. Or germany. Or latvia. I am not kidding. sorry."); girlotron ("alas, while centaur porn and pensioner abuse are wildly appealing, i find tree frottage a little chafing"); amnesiac ("fuck off - anyway i hate white people"); Frankie ("put me down as agreeing with amnesiac. seriously"); bol ("Won't be there. I really like white people - so much so, I've moved back to Ireland to be surrounded by them")

These people need somewhere to crash for the night(s): (darsi), ascorbic, call & siobhan, darl. If you have a space, let me know, or let them know, or let your MP know. Just let somebody know.

Is that it? That's your big, fancy nodermeet writeup?

Er... yes. Sorry. Who are you, anyway?

"I am no-one," spoken backwards, in a weird, scary voice, like that girl out of The Exorcist.

Oh stop it, you're scaring me.