Hi, I am a glorified vegetable. Yes, you read that right, I called myself a vegetable. Chances are that you're a vegetable, too. I would estimate that at least 95% of this site's readership exists in vegetative state, and that's a VERY, VERY conservative estimate.
What does it mean to be called a vegetable, exactly? I will answer this by referring to vegetables in the third person in order to shield my fragile ego. To put it simply, a vegetable person is a terminally bored and boring person that profits handsomely off of the brains and sweat of the top 0.01% of society, to their unknowing detriment. When at home, such herbaceous abominations can be found lost in the glare of their televisions, cell phones, or computer screens (visiting very disreputable web sites, such as porno sites or Everything2). In public, typical discussions revolve around baseless gossip and petty complaints about what is, historically speaking, an extraordinarily pampered life. The Princess and the Pea, anyone?
Faced with the slightest inconvenience by the technological marvels provided graciously to them by the world's utmost intellects, the vegetables whine and moan as if this tragedy will bring down the sky itself. Woe is the potted plant whose cell phone trackball is on the fritz or whose car actually needs maintenance. It would seem that the overabundance they have been afforded by technology has allowed them to specialize in making uninformed critiques on inane minutiae, such as the merits of the latest Hollywood blockbuster movie or a video game, or on possible design flaws in their iPads, high fashion, Washington D.C. politics, or whatever other similarly boring drivel you can imagine. I say uninformed because few vegetables possess the skills to constructively work to fix these perceived "flaws", or to imagine them into even existing in the first place. Most are merely limp blobs, full of bluster and blather. They are usually so absorbed in themselves and the unbelievable import of their refined opinions and tastes that it takes them, by way of example, about 10-15 years to realize that they never loved the person they married in the first place. They sort of awake one day with a sense of dim realization, and shortly afterwords the divorce is finalized, such is their haze. Most of their time is spent worrying about what deserves their hard-earned dollar, those green papers that cost the government 2 cents apiece to print up.
Truly, your typical vegetable has scant in the way usefulness, and if you were to kill that top 0.01% of society that provides them with all of that wondrous technology, all of society would slowly decay and whither into lifelessness. Actually, that's still pretty much what is happening, thanks to those all too hardy perennials. Their main motive in life is finding a way to greedily consume more resources. At the same time these blinking edibles would hastily use any scientific discoveries convenient to them, they would scoff at any scientists that would dare to tell them that their actions are causing increased global warming and other precarious phenomenas. The vegetable's qualifications come from conviction, and that trumps all, doesn't it? It's like the ace of spades, or the dead man's hand. The stately accommodations they have been provided by human ingenuity has become a breeding ground for their own ignorance. Would a typical group of vegetables be able to figure out, with any amount of time, how to run a power plant? Or how to make a good movie, formulate sound (emphasis on sound) economic policy, or design an iPad? No. Yet they don’t appreciate the wisdom of those who do, and that is the problem.
Hey, here's a joke.
Question: If you tell a vegetable that it takes roughly ten times as much energy to produce a pound of meat as it takes to produce a vegetable, what would they say?
Answer: That puts me in the mood for a burger. Where is the nearest McDonald's? You know, their fries are too salty sometimes, I hope I get good fries this time. (And all of this while we were overtaxing the planet's resources with our absurdist demands. I know, I know, I should be a comedian)
When I see so many vegetables living wastefully and sinfully off of the glowing LCD teat of technology (now with new wireless capabilities!), it scares me, because I see the end of times. If you think about it, our times parallel the times of Noah preceding the great deluge. To quote no less of an authority than God himself:
"I will blot out man whom I have created from the face of the land, man and animals and creeping things and birds of the heavens, for I am sorry that I have made them."
Why did God feel that way? Context, provided by The Holy Bible:
"When man began to multiply on the face of the land and daughters were born to them, the sons of God saw that the daughters of man were attractive. And they took as their wives any they chose .... Now the earth was corrupt in God’s sight, and the earth was filled with violence. And God saw the earth, and behold, it was corrupt for all flesh had corrupted their way on the earth."
As you read this, our oceans are becoming toxic, oily wastelands and our rainforests are being turned into vast tracts of stumps. Do you not see that we are setting ourselves up for calamity? No, you don't, lost as you are in a heady haze of fornication, mastication, and meaningless information. Stop basking in the white noise. Wake up, foolish vegetable, before it's too late!
Hi, I am Mullakamakalaka and I am a glorified vegetable. Admittance is the first step. Now, if you’ll all excuse me, I’m going to go fry my brain in the hot summer sun.