The Horrible Horror of Hoar Street

(A Short Play)

Parts: Jason and Courtney, two teenagers looking for trouble
The Count, a vampire with a heart of gold
Thing, a hand
Bill, The Count's boyfriend
Sharon, The Horrible Whore of Hoar Street

(A street sign with "HOAR STREET" written on it sits in the middle of the theatre. A howling wind echoes through the theatre, with mildly creepy music playing in the background. The music rises to a crescendo, and then ends abruptly. Two people enter.)

COURTNEY: God, it's gotten awfully cold all of a sudden. What are we doing here again?

JASON: We were looking for another cliché. Dark, foreboding street; gothic mansion on one end; really creepy vibe… I think we've found it!

(He spies a street sign.)

JASON: H-O-A-R. It appears we're on Hoar Street. No wonder it's so cold.

COURTNEY: So we'll start with ridiculous set-up. Think it'll end with an appreciation of our shared humanity?

JASON: That or our really painful deaths.

COURTNEY: I've always admired your optimism.

JASON: And I admire your stunning breasts. Now, where do you suppose our mildly annoying yet loveable sidekick is?

(Enter The Count.)

COUNT: Velcome to Hoar Street, young American Teenagers! I shall be your guidepost on the road of eternal night!

COURTNEY: He'll do.

JASON: He kind of reminds me of Sean. I haven't seen him since the funeral.

COURTNEY: Wedding.

JASON: Wedding, right.

COUNT: Death finds us all eventually. No use hiding from someone who loves you so much. A marriage is the same vay. But marriage is a continuing expense, and a funeral's financial impact is felt but once.

COURTNEY: Perhaps to some marriage is more than a financial arrangement. But I'm afraid if we stay out here much longer you'll both get to go to my funeral, as I am freezing to death.

COUNT: Not if it's during zee day. But never mind that; please allow me to escort you into my humble abode, where it should be varm enough for your sensibilities.

JASON: That seems like a great idea!

(The three walk offstage. Lights out. Someone run out and grab the street sign. Replace it with a table with a wooden box on it, and a comfy chair. Lights back on. Enter Bill, looking and acting fabulous. Think a very gay Hugh Hefner.)

(Bill is holding a cigar in one hand, and a Bloody Mary in the other. He knocks on the box on the desk. A hand emerges and lights his cigar.)

BILL: Thank you!

(The hand gives a thumbs up and goes back in the box.)

COUNT: And here we are, velcome to my humble abode. And by abode I mean rather lavish ranch-style house. And hello Villiam.

BILL: Hello, lover!

(They embrace.)

COURTNEY: Well, I can see why you're bitter about marriage now.

COUNT: Yes, perhaps I was a bit harsh earlier, but people von't let vampires get married.

(Jason and Courtney are taken aback!)

JASON: You're… vampires?

COURTNEY: Please don't kill us!

(She holds up a cross on her necklace.)

(The Count and Bill laugh.)

BILL: Not to worry, kids! We're vegetarians! Vagabond vegetarian vampires!

JASON: Vegetarian vampires? That doesn't make any sense at all.

COUNT: And yet people like yourselves, who fear death so, contribute to death at every meal. What sense does that make?

JASON: That's different, we don't eat other humans.

BILL: I find it silly and strange that Christians could embrace such a relativistic morality…

COUNT: And I find it strange that people who profess to believe in heaven could fear death so much. Or perhaps your conscience troubles you, and you fear you will be found lacking when placed in judgment?

(A doorbell chime rings out.)

COUNT: I vonder who zat is?

BILL: Oh, Sharon said she might stop by!

COUNT: Vonderful, I adore him!

BILL: Her.

COUNT: Her, right.

(Whore music starts, and Sharon, The Horrible Whore of Hoar Street, makes her big, garish entrance. Sharon is played by a man dressed in outrageous drag. She enters singing.)

SHARON:
Some whores believe in heaven,
Some whores believe in hell.
I don't believe in either,
And maybe you could tell!

(Chorus)
I'm the horrible whore of Hoar Street,
And I'll make love to you!
I'm the horrible whore of Hoar Street,
For just ten bucks a screw!

I'm the hottest whore in town,
By almost any measure,
So come on boys, step right up,
And tell me what's your pleasure!

(Chorus)

Men, women, and monkeys too!
No one's too nasty for me!
But be prepared to pay up,
‘Cause this tail ain't for free!

(Chorus)

(Sharon bows, Bill and The Count clap, the hand pops up out of the box, claps with the air, and goes back inside the box.)

SHARON: That Babylonian bitch has got nothing on me!

BILL: It's such a treat to have you over, dearest!

COUNT: You make our house feel like a home.

SHARON: Who are these two tarts? Engaging in some kiddy fantasy? -looks at Courtney- And those are really stunning breasts!

JASON: We're amateur teenage detectives, in the model of the Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys. It's nice to meet you…Miss Whore.

SHARON: You can call me Sharon, kiddo, I'm between sets.

COURTNEY: So, you're a singer?

SHARON: No, I'm a Priest. This is just something I'm doing until I get re-frocked.

BILL: Yes, they de-frocked her good.

SHARON: I need a good frocking. -to Jason- What do you say, kid, you legal? Oh, I don't care either way. This one's on the house.

JASON: Uhhh… -gestures towards Courtney- We're kind of going out…

COURTNEY: You know the secret to wearing make-up is to look like you're not wearing any make-up. Whore.

COUNT: Now, now, children, Sharon. The fire is warm. The fresh, organic, whole grain, pesticide-free, vegan appetizers are delightful! And we're all good people brought together by fate. Let us play scrabble and avoid these kinds of pointless arguments.

SHARON: I agree Count, we shouldn't fight. And I'll be good, I promise. But I don't want to play scrabble, that thing always wins.

(She gestures towards the box on the table. The hand pops up one last time and waves, and then goes back inside the box.)

BILL: Fair enough, my darling. How about a drink?

SHARON: Now you're speaking my tongue!

BILL: Two banana daiquiris, coming right up!

COUNT: -sniffs- Vhat's that smell?

JASON: Yeah, it smells like smoke

SHARON: And not the sweet smell of Bill's cheap cigar, either.

BILL: Oh my goodness, the house is on fire!

COURTNEY: What's that noise outside?

(They all rush to look outside of an imaginary window.)

COUNT: Villagers!

BILL: With Pitchforks!

JASON: And… monkeys?

COURTNEY: Apes.

JASON: Apes, right.
BILL: Sweetums, I think it's time we leave this place. Some people will never accept us!

COUNT: But this is our home!

BILL: As long as we have each other, we'll always have a home!

(The lights go out as a poofing sounds {or something, whatever} fill the theatre. The lights come right back on, and Bill and The Count are GONE!)

SHARON: Vampires! The rest of us will have to run for it!

JASON: But why would they want to hurt us?

COURTNEY: Yeah, we're normal.

SHARON: Well, you can stick around and explain that. But I doubt these are the sort of people who listen to reason or tend to engage in any sort of rational thought. And they don't tip well, either.

(Courtney and Jason look at each other, and then run off.)

SHARON: -to audience- Hope you liked the show. I'm sure I'll see you around.

(She blows a kiss to the audience, and then swaggers off. Lights off, and house lights on, with The Talking Heads "Burning Down the House" playing as people exit the theatre.)

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