BECAUSE WE BLOODY WELL FELT IT WAS ABOUT TIME TO HAVE ANOTHER ONE™
Bugger, I can't get the blink tag working...

UPDATED UPDATE! For need for an initial public, all-ages central meeting place, "pioneer courthouse square" has been called as the starting point of this con, "about 4:30ish," where we will remain for approximately one hour to meet up with hustling just-got-out-of-workers.

UPDATE CONT'D! Since the schedule for the proceedings is still nebulous at best (we have activities, but not a sequence or even a strict location associated with many of them) parties interested in joining the proceedings but who for whatever reason find themselves incapable of hooking up with the main mass of the meet at Pioneer Courthouse Square from 4:30-5:30 pm are encouraged to call our new official roving meet-com, LordOmar's celphone at 503-381-4436 for information on the con's present and pending locations.

UPDATED CONT'D CONT'D! I should be arriving in Portland at 3:20 pm (at the bus - not train - station) and meeting up with LordOmar, iDeath, Prole and Dialogue there and then. Impatient parties are encouraged to join their welcome wagon, from which we should be ducking into Powell's Big Wide World Of Dead Tree Covered In Alphanumeric Symbols en route (on foot, seemingly) to the main meet beginning listed above.

DON'T FORGET! To ask flamingweasel for one of his mix CDs! (see his writeup below for more information...) You know you want one! All the cool kids will be listening to them!

YOU ARE NOW RETURNED TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED MEET-PROMOTIONAL WRITE-UP.

<jasonm> e2 post-earthquake recovery party - portland edition

Last summer I casually remarked to international visitors how the Pacific Northwest seemed to be scattered with more than its fair share of people worth spending time with, many of them active participants on this very database. Yet, for some reason (the constant and oppressive rainclouds overhead discouraging emergence from troglodytic abodes?) unless acted upon by an outside force these groovy individuals tend to stay where they are - near, but not near enough to interact with in a satisfying manner. Thence and thus, I entered into a compact with whosoever was making the mistake of listening to me natter on: that the international collusion of some of our era's greatest criminal masterminds needed to recur at irregular (to throw off the authorities) but frequent intervals that our insidious plans for world domination could flourish in the cross-pollenation of each others' notorious company. The mad scientists of London seemed to have a good racket going, as did the serial killer segment of New York's rickety and labyrinthine parquets. We, the megalomaniacal and perverted arsonists of Cascadia could rightfully settle for no less, and as our first congress had occurred in Vancouver, BC, Canada during the summer so with the passage of the seasons would emerge subsequent reunions in each others' home territories - winter in Washington and spring in Oregon.

(It is best not to speak of the Fall.)

Which brings us to where we are now...

  • WHEN? Monday, March 12th, 2001. I should be stepping off the bus at the depot about 3:30 pm, about the right time for a spot of tea 8)
  • WHERE? A small rural community somewhere in the United States. Most of the population lives in the town, but some prefer the cabins on the outskirts, coming into town only for meals. Meals are taken communally and members of the community take turns cooking. The only major crop in the area is watermelons which are used for virtually everything. They are taken to the watermelon works and cooked down until only the sugar is left, which is then worked into the shape of the one thing the people own - their lives.

    Er... what I meant, of course, was Portland, Oregon, USA. But hey, if you couldn't glean that from the node's title, you've probably got bigger problems to deal with.

    Castle Ideath (aka the Funhouse) will be the base of operations for our insidious objectives.

  • WHY? Uh, this way I can get away with effectively crossing just a single state.
    I mean because in the best of all possible worlds the gracious coordinators in this fine city are marginally more interested in hosting the meet than the enthusiastically-attending-yet-apathetically-organizing Corvalis bunch.
  • HOW? By hook or by crook!
  • WHO? A very good question. Let us tabulate those who have thus far made the fatal mistake of being caught expressing some non-commital interest in attending!

    • The Perfidious Professor Pseudo_Intellectual, primary perpetrator of this putrid party.
    • Joyless Jeeves, a timely excuse to begin organizing this shebang. The man planned a road trip (with four friends - including the circumscissile and circumvallating Srkorn! ($1 please) - who will doubtless be in at least partial attendance!) due to intercept Portland on this date; that was the grain of dust around which the vapours of these plans began to condense.
    • The Insidious iDeath, inside informant; the closest thing this horrid host presently has to one.
    • The Malevolent moJoe, Mystic Master of Mendacity and Munchkin-Maledicting!
    • Prole the Persecutor of PAIN!
    • The Disapprobating, Demonic and Disastrously Diseased Dialogue (phew!)
    • The Grotesque and Ghoulish Glowin_Orb!
    • Lord "Your puny weapons are powerless before my superior intelligence!" Omar!
    • Tomwhore the Terrible, Terrible Tattle-Tale!
    • The Brilliant but Broken Brain! (In a jar. It could be Einstein's, it could be Hitler's... we're not quite sure which yet.)
    • Dragoon, the Draconian Druid of DOOM!
    • JasonM, The Jejeune Jester!
    • The Kabalic Kakistocrat kamamer!
    • The Cold Custard-Consuming Custodian!
    • Ailie the All-Powerful Albino!
    • The Arrogant Arachnoid, Arrowfall!
    • Stinky Sarahh, Scourge of the Seven Swamps!
    • The Notorious Ninja-Lad!
    • Fiendish Flamingweasel, Flagrant Frotteur of Flattened Flamingos!
    • Girlface, the Grand Grumbledoke!
    • Pestilent Pukesick, who might be in Europe at the time.
    • The Insalubrious and Impious Icicle!
    • Uh... uh... ...Ælien, who may well be bringing a van up (or not - see his writeup below) from Southern California containing...
    • Antagonizing Andara and may-well-be others, too.
    • The Slithering Saboteur s_alanet, Sacreligious Sadist of the Sanitorium!
    • Some quasi- and, well, not-at-all locals who, despite ugly rumours, most likely will *not* be in attendance:

    • Uh. Qousqous!
    • The Wicked and Warped Wonko!
    • The Chain-smoking Chancelllor of Chaos, Chihuahua Grub!
    • Kesper North, the Kitschy Killer!
    • The Jabbering Jaywalker, JayBonci!
    • thefoul thefez!
    • The Diabolical (and Damned Debonair) Discofever !
    • Sinister Seanni!
    • The Lurid Lackey-Licker Lost and Found!
    • The Damnable and Dastardly DerekL!

    (This is almost as much fun as naming Battle Beasts. Naah... it's more! /msg me to get your name and meet status added to this list of chronic sociopaths and ne'er-do-wells!)

  • WHAT? Uhhh... Oh yeah, this column was still covering the five questions. Possible activities for this outstanding gathering of shambling mounds of spiritual corpulence include:

    • P_I needs a copy of the Portland Mercury. His life just isn't the same without regular access to Wm. Steven Humphrey™'s I ♥ Television column... (his insides begin to twist and turn inside him, a glowing phosphorescent substance secreted from his growing-prehensile hair until his head separates from his neck and flies off with his internal organs to feast upon infants)... so it would be a good idea to find one at some point during our adventures.
    • I can probably pick up a copy at Powell's City of Books. Perhaps I can just pack a bag full of books and unload them there to fund my insidious activities. Looks like I'll kill some time there perusing in the afternoon before the meet gets into full rampage.
    • Why didn't anybody tell me Portland was the home of the 24-hour First Presleyterian Church of Elvis The Divine!? Clearly we need to take some time off the meet for me to get married to somebody. Any takers? Looks like this'll be the first stop from Pioneer Court Square...
    • Eat poop you cat. Gaming has always been an integral part of my previous e2cons, from the grueling Trivial Pursuit war of attrition last summer to Renfield in Olympia, but this promises to be the best game of them all, from which there is no going back. This activity will probably either occur at the Funhouse or maybe in a diner somewhere on placemats. WheE!
    • The Write-up Contributed to by the Most People. Yeah, using computers at meets is an inveterately geeky thing to do, but it's been one of my long-term fancies and even if only half the people on the possible attendee list so far show up, we'll still break the existant record. Must occur somewhere where there is writing apparatus, presumably The Funhouse.
    • Black Cat, White Cat. Because hey, it can't make less sense than Mod Fuck Explosion did. To be screened at the Funhouse.
    • Conflagration? That is, of course, a colossal and disastrous fire, consuming all in its path and reducing great empires to ash and charnel mounds of blackened bone. Regrettably the date set is a couple of days after the full moon but I'm sure our median pyromaniacal urges will catalyse some token flaming (non-Usenet, please), perhaps in the form of small sacrifices to local and household gods. (On the other hand, if someone down there can get ahold of a propane torch, I know a trick involving a tea candle...)
    • Surely a world-class city the size of Portland has got to have a Dance Dance Revolution machine somewhere in it. We must find this machine, and utilise it to look exceedingly silly. The Whiz-Bang alternative of Karaoke seems perhaps feasible but more of a long-term activity-investment.
    • I think we'll all agree it would be a gas to see how many times we could complain about the position of toilet seats to MoJoe until he snaps and forcibly tears one from its housing.
    • You just know you can't leave without reading the entire surface of the infamous button-hat, and THAT'll take a few hours, minimum. (... for the hypno-button to kick in and you all to be made into my mindless army of walking, noding slaves! Mu... MUA ha HA HAH A hah a HAH A HAH HOO hee hee.)
    • Though earlier in the afternoon the opportunity might well arise for an urbane and civilized rerun, the subsequent debauchery of spending all night engaged in evil scheming will undoubtedly incur a lot of evil calories burned off in our evil, evil brains. Evil calories are, of course, best obtained in the uniquely-American all-night diner where we can practice getting the attention of the servers through nefarious means.
    • If you know the possible name and location of such a diner, speak up! Failing the sucessful attainment of the salt-fat-and-grease combo, we can always fall back on bright orange soup. Mm mm!
    • Aaand of course there's always the usual drug-and-booze-fuelled orgies following moJoe around as he makes his bleary, stumbling way through his daily routine. Participation is strictly voluntary.
    • Oh yes, I almost forgot: icicle wants us to play Truth or Dare, though she might not admit it.
That's a lot for a maybe 20-hour period.

Possible Problems / Matters for Discussion:

Q: Don't you dingbats realise that this is on a Monday night? What kind of decent, God-fearing noder can venture forth into distant and unfriendly lands in mid-week?

A: No decent and God-fearing noders can, of course, which is so much the better as we'd turn them away at the front gate! However, as earlier mentionned, the reason for the somewhat unsavvy date-placement of this gathering is the serendipitous interception of the fated location with Jeeve's gang of wacky Arizonans, twirling through northern California the night before and resting their weary pineal glands in Portland before tearing up to Vancouver, BC, the next day. Coincidentally whisking me off with them. (They will be spending some time with me at the happy TabHouse getting intimately acquainted with novelties to Arizonans such as rain and trees.) One or even two days earlier would undoubtedly accomodate more people, but it wasn't in concert with those people's plans that this meet was called in the first place. An extended, multi-day con would be much fun, but I'm not feeling possessive of quite the cojones necessary to dictate to the gracious hostses how many days they need to put their lives on hold to match everyone's plans optimally.

Q: Will somebody put us up?

A: I've arranged for somebody in the area to put me up, but again won't presume to speak on behalf of their floor space where an as-yet-unknown number of bodies are concerned. I'd recommend talking to a local, as found in your friendly People Registry node. Besides, you weren't planning on SLEEPING, were you?

Q: We're looking for an open-24-hours place-to-eat where potential minor meet-attendees can enter!

A: Uhh... any takers, Portlanders? Chihuahua Grub recommends Roxy's - "a 24-hr. coffee shop with a good jukebox and plenty of surly.")

Q: Also, Jeeves is looking for information regarding campsites in the area.

If you have further questions, comments, complaints or answers to our questions, please /msg me (or better yet, one of the local Portlandians who will assuredly be posting their own write-ups in this node) or post a writeup here yusself (no need to if all you have to say is that you can't make it) and we'll try to deal with stuff as it comes up to make the meet as snaggle-free as possible. And hey - if you can't make it, spread the word to others who maybe can 8)

Please pardon the stylistic excesses of this write-up, as it was produced under the influence of sleep-depravation. If you must exact vengeance on me for it, hunt me down and render punishment unto me at the Conflagration itself.

PS - we have the esteemed MoJoe to thank for "Horny." An adjective was called for, and we ran with it. With luck after the con scanned photographs featuring all of us in Viking headgear will become available.

Possible post-meet activities for the road-trippers include (looks like it's not happening) hearing the Taraf de Haidouks in Seattle the evening of the 13th and (quite possibly) having dinner with Kesper North and company in Bellingham later that night just prior to hopping over the border. All very tentative, but I am thorough in my information-sharing... (duh, though I suppose I need to tell the denizens of this database that least of all...)

...

reviews: the horny E2 Portland conflagration post-soiree wrap-up

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previous | next...

Does it strike anyone else as mildly amusing that this event is taking place in the same time period that MIR is supposed to be hitting the bottom of the ocean?

Well, I'll be there, and I'll even schedule the day afterwards off work so that nothing can stop me from staying out all night, drinking and engaging in other carnal delights of every sort until the sun comes up.

Somehow I feel this will make up for never having followed through with "MoJoe, ideath and LordOmar's night of binge drinking". Although I'm not counting it out for the future. (ok there was a night of binge drinking for ideath and LordOmar but MoJoe decided he had more important things to do... like play pool in yuppie-ville)

I wish I could say that I could accomodate noders in my and LadyOmar's miniscule residence, but it's just not possible. However I will offer to cook a hangover-recovery breakfast at my place for all who do stay in town monday night (having an actual hangover is not neccessary, showing up in pajamas is optional).
Update: Looks like I will have the 12th and 13th off, so anyone sticking around on Tuesday can waste the day with me. Also I wanted to have the following day off to get through the hangover.

Well Looks like I swung from ahving those days off to having two half-days I'm working Monday morning and Tuesday afternoon. So everything should be on. I'll be downtown Monday around lunchtime. I think that Todai is a great idea, I'd even be willing to pay for a few people (it's a bit steep for the cash-strapped) But it closes after lunch and doesn't open again till 5:30 PM. I'll be downtown when P_I arrives.

Still waiting to hear on the exact agenda from the illustrious Pseudo_Intellectual, but until then the ideas keep flowin'
I'm voulounteering to be the "Cel Phone Contact" for the meet. I will be at the Bus Terminal to greet Pseudo_Intellectual. So I should be where the action is at all times. That Number is 503-381-4436.
.......sigh.
Pseudo....I told you what would happen if you mentioned my disease.

Someone remind me to fill his lungs with butter next month.


It appears that, though some ripples did occur, I will be getting a ride from prole to this fine shindig.
Plans are to meet LordOmar and iDeath at the bus station.
Twas' the night before Portland, and all through E2, there were creatures a-stirring, though most from EU.
The conners were strung 'cross the west coast, my dear, in groupings and nestings surrounded with fear.

MoJoe was nestled, all snug in his bed, while visions of strippers danced in his head....
You get the idea. See you tomorrow, folks!


My observations about the day will go elsewhere, but for right now, I feel I must offer my thanks:

  • iDeath: You are a charming and gracious hostess, and one of the finest peoples I have ever had the pleasure of meeting twice. Thank you for running herd on the brood, den mom. Oh, additional: Please thank your room-mate for putting up with us. She was a pleasant and amusing person. As I have the attention span of a dysfunctional farm animal, I have already forgotten her name, for which she may deck me, should we meet again.
  • Pseudo_Intellectual: Though I (somehow) did not get to see as much of you this trip as I expected to, you are forever in my cool book, as you were the only person on the trip who helped me sing Weird Al and the theme to Count Duckula. Awww yeaah.
  • MoJoe: Dude. You kick. And, your abilities to work are room are second to none. Thank you for an entertaining and enlightening extended porch conversation. Oh, and tell Ozark 1.) Thanks for the back rub. and 2.) It was a pleasure to meet him.
  • GirlFace: Thank you for bringing more o' the midwest to the gathering, for the Dogma story, and for being a sappy drunk. I never get to hang out with enough of them. It was a pleasure to meet you. Good luck ending the college thing, and with India.
  • Flamingweasel: Sir, I fear I will never tire of hanging out with you. As you hold the distinction of being the person on E2 who doesn't live within spitting distance that I've hung out with the most, I've already done the effusive thanks and humble-ness routine enough with you. Suffice it to say, I enjoy your company a great deal, and look forward to our next meeting. Thanks for the CD, additionally, and hope you felt better in the morning.
  • LordOmar: Your presence at this thing added a great deal to it. Thank you for your stories, and your booze. You are truely a great man. Continued luck with the in-laws, old bean.
  • Ninja-Lad: Though I unfortunately got to talk very little with you, you seemed like an awesome person, and your card still makes me wet myself. Many thanks for your ferry service, as the night would not have gone as smoothly as it did without it.
  • Jeeves and the Arizonanian contingent: I am very sorry I didn't get a chance to talk more with you. You all seemed like engaging and interesting people. And my heartfelt and sincere apologies to the young lady who was sitting next to me during Eat Poop You Cat, whose name I have already forgotten. You did an excellent job with the drivel I shoved your way.
  • prole: Though I assume I'll be seeing you again soon, many thanks for the ride, and for trusting me with your car, madam. And even for being honest with the fact that you thought I was gay.
  • Everyone else: Nice to meet you, and I hope to see you again. :)
  • To everyone who didn't show up whose name is on the list above: You suck. Try harder next time, punks.
  • inevitable chaos

    I hear Lord'n'LadyOmar's place is right near mine, so those of you who camp out on my floor and have or do not have hangovers in the morning (morning? what's that?) can make a raggedy parade over for breakfast. If people expect to stay here, though, i need to hear from them, and they should know that while we have an extremely comfy green couch, it'll only hold (tops) three very friendly people. And i mean friendly. Probably it'll only take one - we'll have to have a contest to find out who gets it. The alternative is, of course, the wood floor. Pretty, good for slidin', but hard.

    We don't bost good computers or high-speed internet access, but we do have two typewriters and an 8-track. And - what the heck! it's called the Funhouse. So who's coming?

    -- staying at the Funhouse so far (probably) --
    Jeeves & his 4 cohorts, the rowdy band
    flamingweasel
    Girlface
    Dialogue, maybe, maybe. anyonelse?
    i look to be nearing capacity unless there's a big puppy-pile planned..

    Guys, guys: looks like a LOT of people are coming. My sweet housemate is getting nervous. I'm getting nervous. We're hospitable, friendly people, but we just might not be able to fit you so Call now!

    And yes, in case you worried, the house is still standing. It's not at all jello-like most of the time.

    I'm back.

    Maybe. This quarter has been pretty tough, which is a completely poor excuse for not noding in well over 3 months. Now that my self-flagellation is complete, on to my answer about the conflagration:

    Maybe.

    It's finals week that week, and I've got a busy day on mondays, but I could almost certainly get down there in the evening in time to partake of some dance dance revolution, truth or dare, and watching the mir crash into a city. There's always the possibility that the nefarious plotting of my professors will prevent me from coming down, but I'll do my best.

    And hey, it's a conflagration, I'm a weasel on fire...The symmetry's too good to pass up.


    I tell yah, if we just went ahead and made the orange equinoctial stew that would free up a lot of room for more noders. Just a suggestion.
    To commemorate the event, flamingweasel will be giving out copies of a mixcd. I just feel bad going to these things, mooching off others. So, to rebalance my karma (or whatever), I'll make as many copies as people want. Just /msg me to make you a copy and be there to get it. Of course, I highly doubt anyone's going to read this...so...prolly should have thought of this earlier...hmm...

    /me walks off muttering
    people who are getting the official Horny E2 Portland Conflagration Mix CD, with the limited edition "supra-1337" hand-made packaging, all for a low, low price of free (well, you have to be there, which may cost some more than others...anyway):
    1. ideath
    2. dialogue
    3. pseudo_intellectual
    4. jasonm
    5. jeeves
    6. srkorn
    7. prole
    8. girlface
    9. sarahh
    Ye gods. I'm starting to get worried that people aren't going to like these...

    feel left out? /msg me. oh, and if you want the "supra-1337" packaging (patent pending), you need to contact me before sunday night. i'm happy to make it -- but it takes a little bit of time. (and a whole lot of luv, baby. awww yeeeeaaaaah) so gimme some notice else you'll just get a nasty thin jewel case. which i'll spit on, too.
    Wow.

    21 noders (including the wannabees like myself) in one room is a near frightful but delightful sort of thing. I had a fabulous time following around the fellow locals and leading a few of the less fortunate across the morrison bridge of doom (thats for you moJoe (yeah, the "of doom" part)). And otherwise carrying on with the friendly bunch was a pleasure. But darn it all, I just wish moJoe would stop kissing all the cute guys that catch my eye...

    ...and I'm looking forward to a bright and early brunch with the hungover hellions of E2.

    P.S. I would now like to make my R.S.V.P. official for this years Horny E2 Portland Conflagration. I think I will be there. Mostly.

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