The First Year of Hugo: The Year in Review

Born, 16 June 1999 to one drug fucked mother and a blithering shell shocked father through emergency caesarian after a 24 hour torture marathon in labor ward. First glimpse of Hugo holding onto one large bloodclot and screaming his lungs out (good sign).

Father heard to scream "It's a fucking warzone in here! Get me the napalm and for the love of christ give her more drugs, damnit!" Hugo, quickly assessed as a healthy 9lb 11 oz baby boy by competent medical staff. Mother shipped to recovery room where she was heard to say "I feel sick" and proceeded to projectile vomit on recovery ward nurse who was heard to say from behind a kidney shaped dish, "Shit! I have been nursing for 15 years and that's never happened to me!" Father slowly starts to see humour in life again.

Parents decide to call Hugo "Hugo". Almost called Linus.

Hugo and mother quickly begin to understand the concept of breastfeeding. Father looks on in fascination. Mother and Father quickly begin to understand the following parenthood concepts:

  • never again in your life getting to sleep all through the night
  • waking up in terror thinking your child is about to choke to death
  • being uncertain about "are they too warm are they too cold"
  • being uncertain about "is this water the right temperature"
  • how many nappys a day?
  • you mean we can't go to the movies ever again?

Hugo begins to respond to external stimulus. Fascination with spinning objects held close to his face. Father makes cubes out of paper and paints them with strange patterns (much like those found on Gateway computer boxes).

Hugo begins to crawl. Hugo discovers the amazing concept of cats. Hugo forms a life long obsession with cats and finding objects on the floor to eat, such as dirt, left over food and cat shit. Hugo watches colourful fish.

Hugo goes to daycare where he is much loved for his tongue antics and grunting noises. Hugo discovers first scientific curiosity - water. Hugo attempts to hold a running stream of water between thumb and index finger. This becomes a lifelong endeavour. First truly amusing observation - Father spitting a little plastic duck out of his mouth.

Hugo begins to walk. Hugo forms a bond with his best friend the vacuum cleaner and sits watching TV hugging the vacuum cleaner hose. Hugo has new favourite show - the teletubbies - and sits staring like a zombie. Hugo pats vacuum cleaner and it turns on causing much fright and dismay. Hugo forms first life long enemy - the vacuum cleaner. Becomes obsessed with cordless phones. Parents encourage behaviour and use phones to distract him from stressful task such as getting dressed after bathtimes.

Hugo finds mop and forms another meaningful friendship. Learns how to spit plastic duck out of his own mouth and generalises this to milk and water. Hugo develops obsession with computers and stops anyone else tocuhing mouse when he is around. When placed on computer chair, stairs at monitor - one hand one keyboard, other on mouse - like a good quaker. Hugo watches parents talk into phone. Hugo wanders around house with cordless phones, toy mobile phone and toy pager (insert any other small noise making toy here) on shoulder saying "eh?" in cute baby tones.

Hugo's 1st Birthday!

Log in or registerto write something here or to contact authors.