Shed a tear for poor Mrs. Ritchie. She's a dear, poor old thing who's had a hard life, what with having no mother to guide her. It would take a heart of stone to not realize that under her dazzling beauty, sharp business sense, and intellectual sophistication that oozes from her every act and pronouncement is a mere facade for a simple housewife and mother of two who chooses to work outside the home.

Oh yes, it's simply heartbreaking to contemplate Mrs. Richie. She's so misunderstood. Even with a twenty-year recording career, several movies, and one of the largest private fortunes in the entertainment business, she still feels lost and alone. People are always being so judgmental about how she used to grope herself onstage, or had an abortion after having a hit with a pro-life anthem, or French-kissing Britney Spears, little things like that. She's a Catholic, you see, and the British are touchy about people who aren't like them. She's really just a simple soul, with sweet little quirks like having a rabbi on call to bless her water to guard against the evil eye, and having a bodyguard jog with her in case of stalkers, and having a Cabbalist, a nutritionist and a yoga instructor always on hand in case of need. That British high society cannot find it in their hearts to accept this dear, sweet, humble woman only shows how vain and shallow they are. It's enough to make you cry yourself to sleep every night just thinking about it, it really is...

And so to her book. Well, it's about a clique of Queen Bees, The English Roses, who totally hate and dis Binah, who is a top student and athlete who has NO friends and is soooooooooo bee-yooouutifulllll. Now I wouldn't want to spoil the story for you, but it's very, very important for Certain People (who might not all be little girls) that they shouldn't judge by appearences: beautiful girls are kind and loving and noble and really better people than other girls (who might not be so pretty!) The illustrations are doodly in the style of 60's fashion magazines, and really quite interesting to look at: Binah looks like what Mrs. Richie would, if she were were a natural blonde and eight years old, and the Roses, a generic ethnic mix in the approved manner of improving books everywhere, and everything is sweet and waifish and fun...

Madonna mode on....

...hey, why am I telling you this?? This is a book by MADONNA, of course it's absolutely great! She said so! It's got a paper slipcover, and everything, kind of like Sex, but for kids! You don't want to KNOW the effort she put into this book, that she puts into every little bit of her life so that she can entertain you twerps! If she weren't around, gay people would still be in the closet, and we'd be censoring Shakespeare! So shut the fuck up and buy it already! She needs the money! It's expensive having a lifestyle change!

...Madonna mode off....

Madonna plans four other childrens' books. I eagerly await reviewing them.

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