People are only now realizing the danger that
Canadians (or
"
Dudleys", as I call them) pose to these great
United States.
This first occurred to me as I was watching the Winter Olympics that
were set in the vast, evil land that is Canada. I realized that
all the shots were of beautiful snowy mountains and majestic animals,
obviously a hideously brilliant propaganda campaign designed to
delude innocent Americans into believing that Canada was just a
winter wonderland. Why, there aren't even any good derogatory names
for Canadians ("Canucks" just doesn't cut it; hence "Dudleys").
Anyway, there are very worrying things about Canada. First of all, we
have the longest unprotected border in the world with them. And keep
in mind, their country is bigger than ours (even their
capital has
more people than ours). Since most of them are no doubt still loyal
to the Queen of England, she could order them to invade at any time,
and before you know it, we've got Dudleys controlling every city from
Tacoma to Bangor.
Oh, and keep in mind, the Chubb Crater on the Ungava Peninsula is
the world's largest meteoric crater! Coincidence? I don't think
so. I'll leave it to you to consider the implications.
Also, they talk almost the same as we do. I mean, most Americans
couldn't recognize a Canadian accent, as long as they didn't throw
all those ridiculous "eh?"s in there. Well, just what use is served
by speaking in a way that is unrecognizable is being foreign? There's
only one reason I can think of. Spying. That's right, the entire
country is being trained as potential spies, ready to infiltrate our
dry-cleaning services, airline labor boards, grounds-keeping crews,
and every other patriotic, red-blooded group in America. (Of course,
I'm not including the Quebecois, who are being trained to infiltrate
France, but they don't seem to have the accent down yet.)
They practically advertise their intentions. In the movie Stripes
(written by Dudleys and Dud-symps), one of the characters says:
"It's Czechoslovakia, man! It's like going into Wisconsin!"
If that's not revealing, I don't know what is!
Hell, there are already Dudleys, practically unbeknownst to most Americans
in positions of prominence all over the place. Late night band leaders,
network anchormen, sketch comedians, and diminutive pretentiously-named
TV/movie actors are just some of the positions held by, yes, you guessed
it, Canadians. Makes you think, doesn't it?
I think it's time to counterattack. Oh sure, they have managed to
sway world opinion so that it would be unlikely we could get the nukes
flying, but we could certainly start a propaganda war of our own. Some
catchy phrases would be a good start. For instance, "Better dead than
Dudley". Or "Hell no, we won't go (to the Yukon)". And "the lousy,
stinking Dudleys are lousy and they stink". But enough of mine, let's
get everyone else involved!
Anyway, it's time we woke up to the threat of the pale hordes. First
our jobs, then our wives, then our American way of life. Don't think,
act!