Funk upon a time, in the days of the Funkapuss
the concept of specially designed Afro-nauts
capable of funkatizing galaxies was first laid
on Man Child but was later repossessed and
placed among the secrets of the pyramids until
a more positive attitude towards this most sacred
phenomenon, Clone Funk, could be acquired.
There in these terrestrial projects it would wait
along with its co-inhabitants, the Kings and Pharaohs
like sleeping beauties for the kiss that would release them
multiply in the image of the Chosen One
is its own reward.
May I frighten you?
"Prelude," THE CLONES OF DR. FUNKENSTEIN (1976)
It's been 5000 years.
If we'd stayed tuned into The One, we wouldn't be in the mess we're in today.
Most everyone on this planet is lacking Funkentelechy, that force by which the Funk gets stronger, thanks to the Great Electric Spank - the high-tech pimping of human instincts by the power brokers/jokers that be. Stricken with the Placebo Syndrome, unlucky Earthlings everywhere have been fed fake funk instead of the pure, uncut funk, otherwise known as P-Funk. This jivation through logic has doomed the fate of the human race.
The mastermind behind the Great Electric Spank
is that putrified purveyor of the Placebo Syndrome
, the arch-enemy of all that is good and Funky
in the Universe, Sir Nose D'Voidoffunk
. Making his first appearance on 1977's FUNKENTELECHY VS. THE PLACEBO SYNDROME
, Sir Nose
operates on the Pinocchio Theory
of Bootsy's Rubber Band
- "If you fake the Funk
, your nose will grow." Too cool to dance, he wants to put your mind to sleep and extend the reach of his home territory, the Zone of Zero Funkativity
Stuck on this Unfunky UFO, our only hope is the one and only
Mad glad scientist,
master technician of Clone Funk,
supreme ruler of outer space Funk,
he is the tribal leader of the descendants of the Thumpasorus Peoples - the original hardcore Funkateers.
Revealing himself to earthlings on THE CLONES OF DR. FUNKENSTEIN (1976), the man is hard at work creating Clones known as the Children of Productions to blow the cobwebs out of mankind's collective mind and help us all achieve P-Funk. He is here to fix all of man's ills, because the bigger the headache, the bigger the pill; and he's the big pill.
And - hark! - he has seen our plight and he has sent help. Starchild, alias The Longhaired Sucker or Sir Lollypop Man, is revealed on 1975's CHOCOLATE CITY to be a sort of Cosmic John the Bop-tist, the official representative of Funkentelechy. THE MOTHERSHIP CONNECTION (1975) tells us that, as the agent of the good doctor, Starchild descends to earth in the Mothership when the planet is in need of a good splanking - that is, when an extra-terrestrial being is needed to free minds and behinds from constipated notions with the omnipowerful Funk. An anti-spank, if you will. Equipped with the Bop Gun, an amazing Dr. Funkenstein invention that is capable of splanking the funkless with one blast, Starchild kicks some serious Nose ass and helps spread the Funkentelechy.
Although Sir Nose tries again and again to make people stop thinking and stop dancing, he is always foiled by Starchild and Dr. Funkenstein's genius. In their first meeting, Starchild zaps him with the Bop Gun, funkatizing him in the luminescent sheen of its rays, and Nose dances in the rhythm of the Flashlight. Old Smell-O-Vision returns underwater on 1978's MOTOR BOOTY AFFAIR, assisted by his bumpnoxious undersea avatar, Rumpofsteelskin. Mr. Wiggles the Worm, the subaquatic, ultrasonic, semibionic Clone of Dr. Funkenstein, triumphantly makes him dance the Aquaboogie. The Nose tries once more on GLORYHALLASTOOPID (1979), attacking the forces of Funk on their own territory - outer space. He goes after the Black Hole, Starchild's home and the prime zone of Funkativity. His attack on the celestial body which suckulates the unfunky deep into its chocolate-y centre is foiled by the Big Bang Theory: Funk set the universe in motion, and there ain't nothing that can stop it.
Sir Nose D'Voidoffunk finally sees the wrong of his ways on 1980's TROMBIPULATION and traces his ancestors back to the Cro-Nasal Sapiens - the original keepers of the Funk - and begins to understand his Funky heritage. His son, Sir Nose Jr., promises to be Funky forevermore, but you can never trust a Nose.
That's why Uncle Jam's Army was created and that's why UNCLE JAM WANTS YOU (1979) - to gather the collective energies of the Funkateers into a mobilized force to snuff out the evil anti-Funk wherever it may lay. It doesn't take special equipment or training to become a Funkateer - just remember, funkentelechy is the actualization of funk rather than its potential. Everyone has the Funk in them but you've got to realize it and reach for it. Follow the Law of Supergroovalisticprosifunkstication: give the people what they want when they want - and they wants it all the time.
this is a factual node, damnit!