The Black Panther Warriors is a Chinese kung fu film my brother saw at the library and decided to borrow. Libraries here in Seattle have a lot of weird shit, including crappy old (possibly pirated) movies and, lately, reprints of crappy old (possibly pirated) movies on DVD. The Black Panther Warriors is probably the best of the ones I've seen, which is like saying "My god, this dog poop tastes ten times better than that bat poop!"

Upon first viewing The Black Panther Warriors, I was amazed. The EPIC introduction began with a shady conversation between two people. The conversation is all about the master thief Black Panther, who a figure with weird Howard Stern-like glasses wishes to hire to test out his security system. The other character, presumably a servant of his, is ordered to hire him for this task.

Suddenly, there's a shot of a highway! And there are, apparently, no cars on it! There's a nice shot of a man on a motorcycle and he senses danger. Suddenly, two homing spark-boomerangs fly at him out of nowhere! My god, they're about to slice up his kidneys! However, with grace and light feet, the strange figure manages to leap off of his motorcycle and evade these spinning flyers of death.

Another man comes out of nowhere and catches the two pieces of flying death metal and fights with the other character, it turns out to be none other than the MYSTERIOUS MAN that was talking to Chinese Howard Stern just a while ago! After they flash a few poses at each other and do some flying kicks, they talk.

It turns out that the man on the motorcycle is the master thief Black Panther. After some negotiations, Black Panther gets a helluvalotta money wired to his Swiss Bank Account and agrees to form an elite squad to assist in the test.

And, after that, it all goes downhill, uphill, topsy-turvy and gets incredibly fucked up and confusing.

Basically, Black Panther goes around and contacts some of his old buddies. There's a crazy bitch that wants to screw him whose ability is to fire out lots of needles. She receives a magical floating scroll that says something along the lines of "BLACK PANTHER WANTS YOU" or something like that. There's an ever cooler dude named Mambo Fai, who calls himself the Gun King because HE HAS CONTROL OVER ALL GUNKIND. At one point he shoots off a girl's bra without damaging the goods. This guy is one crazy fuck!

There are also a few other peons in Black Panther's squad, like the cliche "Young (possibly underage) Girl" and "Guy That Throws Cards". There's even a (literally) retarded nerd that can only speak intelligibly while he has a pacifier in his mouth. And, of course, there's an old flame from Black Panther's past.

Anyway, the whole film is about the antics of these characters. At one point of the film, Guy That Throws Cards attempts to seduce a piano player. A jealous Mambo Fai brings over the retarded nerd and asks him why he ran out on the two of them, implying that they are gay and the kid is their man-baby. The compu-tard is apparently obsessed with nipples and claws at her. Obviously, this woman shoud try to get the hell away from these guys at once.

Well, she doesn't. Card Man somehow gets into her bedroom with her consent and for some reason they have a fight or something. I forget the rest.

Another funny scene is one where Card Man, Compu-tard and Mambo Fai all get together for a prank. They pretend to be a gang of rapists and release a false news report with a baby monitor near a radio while the ladies in Black Panther's squad are sitting in the living room. Then they walk in with their rapist masks on and get the snot beaten out of them.

The Black Panther Warriors doesn't restrict itself to the realm of comedy, though. There's also a backstory all about Black Panther and the master that taught him how to fight, which is all rather formulaic although it does add an element of intrigue in a big sea of cheesy and tasteless scenes. That's not to say that the cheese and lack of taste is bad, they are probably the best elements of the film.

Overall, The Black Panther Warriors is one of those movies that you will watch once and quickly forget about.. or so you think. It will crawl around in your skull and compel you to watch it despite your attempts to erase it from your head. And you will watch it again. Perhaps with shame, mirth or even excitement. Then, after that, you will satisfyingly snap the DVD in half and pay a miniscule fine to your local Seattle Public Library branch, knowing that you've ridded the world of an evil thing.

Actually, that was a lie. Like a good, moral individual, you'll return the DVD to the library, properly rewound and ready for the next viewer. After all, some other fucktard might want to watch it.

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