Look, I'm seventeen years old, a senior in high school. I usually don't watch television shows like this. I am not sure what had prompted me to turn it on after seeing the ads for it. I mean, it looks like some sort of twisted children's show. But I find it endlessly fascinating, even though, if I felt like talking, I could not articulate into words the reason why. I normally wouldn't find this grey-haired, goofy little fat man wearing the giant yellow top hat very entertaining - the humor I think I would normally find fairly lowbrow for my tastes - but yet I cannot take my eyes off of him. There is something oddly fascinating about this man that I can't put my finger on.
From the looks of it, my family feels the same way; they are just as transfixed as I am. They, too, cannot tear their eyes away from the little fat man in the huge top hat, the dancing people in the lame animal costumes, circus organ music, and the black-haired little girl riding the tricycle around the surreal, Dalí-esque set. It seems to be separated into skits of some sort, the characters playing out little funny mini-stories and I am humored by them even though I don't exactly understand them. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know that I should change the channel to something better, yet I cannot bring myself to do it. Mainly because, I think, the show is not yet over.
Heeeyyyyy kids! Mr. Biggy Hat here to tell ya to get comfortable, 'cuz you're gonna be sittin for a looooong time! I mean loooonnnnnng! Ha ha! We've got lots of great shit up for ya.. *BLOOP!* Ooop! Did I say a bad word?! Oh well, it doesn't really matter DOES IT? Hyah hyah! Can't tattle when you're DEAD! Ha!
Anyway, stay right there - as if I have to tell ya - 'cuz we have Blinky the Squirrel coming up! You all LOOOVE Blinky don't ya? It must be his blinking, because all he does is jump around and utter nonsense crap! Ha ha!
I have lost all track of time. The sun has long set. It's deep into the night. I think maybe the show has been on for five, maybe six hours. We are still engrossed. And they say we have such short attentions spans these days. I look quickly to my left and right. I can only steal my eyes away for a few seconds. My dad, mom, and little sister Katie are still enchanted by the program as well. I am tired, and a tad thirsty. And I think I need to use the bathroom.
But I do not want to get up just yet because the show still is not over. After that hilarious blinking squirrel was off the set, a wonderful squeaking mouse appeared. His squeaking was intriguing, kind of rhythmic. I didn't understand the point. But I think that was the point. Then the dinosaur that is on now appeared. The way he dances and sings makes me smile. Somewhere way in the back of my mind a thought flares up: that friend of mine... what's his name?... who does acid sometimes, he'd love this show.
I notice that I'm quite hungry. But that's OK. The show is bound to be over soon. I'll get a snack and a drink then.
Hey-hey-hey kids! Gotta piss yet? Gettin' hungry? Thirsty? Gotta drop a duece?? Well all that minor stuff will have to wait! We've got lots more show! LOTS more! Lllllllllllots more! Oh why bother? Pickling monkey farts! I don't have to make sense any more than these poor bastards in those hot, sweaty animal suits behind me! Ha ha! Blinky's not looking so good, by the way. I should probably let him take the suit off! OK, kids. Everybody who thinks I should let him out of the suit, raise your hands!
What? Nobody? Allllllrighty then! He stays in! Paper machete menses suckers! Foo goo blah blah! Hey, LOOK! It's Explorer Maria! She's back to tell us alllll about her adventures in the jungles of Africa! Where she contracted malaria! Maria? Hello?? Oh I see she doesn't feel much like talking.
I am glad that this show is so good. The sun is up again, has been for some time. I think that I have wet myself. Oh well. I think that happened while that Maria Explorer was on. She only looked into the camera with this vapid stare for a while, then collapsed onto the floor. It was a wonderful piece of performance art. Maybe this show isn't as lowbrow as I'd originally thought. This is real art here. Right now there's a mime kneeling down, vomiting, while Biggy Hat is flitting about joyfully, yelling something about his mother.
It's been quiet outside. I haven't heard any cars or people or anything going places, milling about. No, nothing, no talking, laughing, engines roaring, horns honking. It's quiet out there except the birds chirping.
That reminds me. Don't I and my sister have school? Doesn't my father have work? I thought my mom worked today, too. It's Thursday, I think. Or is it Friday? No, I'm pretty sure it's Thursday. Because we ate meatloaf for dinner last night. And we usually have that on Wednesdays.
Speaking of food, I am so hungry. I am glad that my stomach stopped growling hours ago. Now I'm just feeling kind of weak. Even if I wanted to actually get up from the couch, it would probably be hard to do. Most of all, though, I'm thirsty. I wish somebody would get me a nice cold glass of ice water. That would be nice.
Wow, kids! I think this is a record! Over twenty-four hours straight! And not one single commercial! And baby it just keeps getting better! We've got a shitload more! OOOOP! Another wirty dord! Ha ha! Aw, hell, we've got a metric fuckton more! Aw, where is that mean ol' Mr. FCC? Oh, they have no idea where in the hell we are, or how we're broadcasting! Tee hee! Anyway, yes, believe it or not... I'm walkin on air... we're JUST GETTING STARTED! That's right! Started! Rhymes with farted! Ha ha!
On that note, here's Farty the Ferret!
The ferret was funny. So was the cow after that. And that pig... thing. I am hungry and thirsty. I'll get up as soon as it's over.
As soon as it's over, I'm headed straight for the kitchen. I wish the phone would stop ringing. And my cell phone. And my dad's. And my mom's.
The kitchen. As soon as it's over. It's bound to be over soon. OH! This is great! The cow is dragging Maria around by her hair! And the big chicken and the farting Ferret are carrying around Blinky. They're doing this marvelous dance. Just when I thought the show was hitting a slow spot.
Wow. There goes the sun again. It's night again. Actually I think it's early the next morning again. Wait. Is the sun setting or rising?
Heeeeeeyyyyyyyy kids! We've got something great up next! GRRRREEAT! We've saved the best for last! Ha! Well, sorry, it's not last, not by a long shot! Thirsty the Clown is here!
Hey, Thirsty! How long can a human being go without drinking water? What's that? About 48 hours?? Wow! Well we've been on for 48 hours! Should we break, then, let them whet their whistle? Really? NO?! Oh, of course! We shouldn't keep you waiting Thirsty! Of course not! Where are my manners?!
Without any further doo-doo, here's Thirsty the Clown... doing... whatever the fuck it is that he does. Take it away, TTC, while I drink this big tall cold glass of water!
I think... there's something wrong with my tongue. Oh well. This clown has been doing this really funny act for maybe three hours now. He's the funniest clown ever. I quickly glance at my family. My mom and dad are still watching, but my sister's eyes are no longer open. She's slumped back into the couch. Maybe she's fallen asleep. Sleep would be good. As soon as the show is over I'll get up, get a drink, a bite to eat, and go to bed.
That big bottle of water and piece of pizza Thirsty is eating sure do look good.
I think I'm starting to hallucinate. Blinky comes out of the television sometimes. And I think our cat is crawling on the wall behind the TV. Wait. Do we have a cat?
Hey... hey kids. Oh, man. If it wasn't for those naps while you watched my animals, I don't think I'd be standing right now. So anyways. We've got, um, why we've got all the animals still alive kicking the crap out of Blinky's corpse! Boy I tell ya, we know how to have fun on this show! Bwa ha ha! Flip nut hooker dong!
They aren't in the television anymore. None of them are. Biggy Hat, the animals, all in my living room. My tongue and mouth hurt. It's like they're breaking into pieces. It's been a long time since my family has made any noise. I can't even hear them breathing.
How long have I been watching this show? Three days straight? Four? Man it's a long show.
As soon as it's over, though, I'm headed for the kitchen. I really do need something to drink and eat.
Just as soon as the show is over, I'm there. I'm... I'm over there, back there, in the...
As soon as it's over. As soon as it's
For The Night's Plutonian Shore: The 2007 Halloween Horrorquest.