Horror films have had a long-standing tradition of getting various items and speculating on what would happen if they suddenly gained sentience, a thirst for vengeance, and a sense of motivation you often don't find in inanimate objects.

You can tell how these films come about. It usually involves a bunch of people getting drunk and wondering what exactly would happen if a bed started eating people. Another group comes along and decides to one-up them. A bed? That's lame. What you need is a blood-sucking motorcycle and so on and so forth until the only thing that can bring them back to the realm of reasonableness is an iron lung that forces its occupant to kill every full moon*

This is probably how nuclear wars start.

Teeth is a film that was probably made with such an ideal in mind. At the heart of it, it's a typical coming of age story. The main character, Dawn, is a devout Christian who believes in the precious gift of virginity and will only give herself to the man she is destined to marry.

Enter Tobey, the slightly awkward hunk of love that Dawn falls madly in love with. He too has taken a chastity pledge, but in a moment of weakness broke his solemn vow. Dawn believes that this makes him stronger as he has seen the evils that can only come from such an act.

They start the sort of relationship that would come about where a slightly horny guy falls for a girl who has no idea what these new, wild feelings are. She's uncertain, she's scared and she doesn't know what to do.

Which is where it gets a bit weird. You see Dawn is not like the other girls. She has teeth in her vagina. These have been a source of constant grief for her ever since she was a little girl, where they bit off the tip of her stepbrother's finger during a game of "Show me yours and I'll show you mine".

The remainder of the film is pretty unremarkable and as exploitative as you might expect. To be perfectly honest I was in an oxycodone induced trance for most of the film so I don't really feel I'm qualified to comment on the minutiae, so I won't be talking about it. If you really must know how this compelling story ends, then you'll have to suffer as I have.

 

What I do want to talk about is this trend of films asking more questions than they answer. Teeth stands out in my mind as not taking full advantage of the subject matter. So I've come across a few points of contention that I expect to be answered if there's ever a sequel:

Dental/Vaginal Hygiene

This one is pretty encompassing. I am British so people assume I don't know the importance of proper dental hygiene. I do, and I know that if you don't take care of your teeth they usually hurt. Badly.

So what regime of cleaning does Dawn need to do to make sure her teeth don't get cavities? Does she use a toothbrush or a douche? When she needs to have professional treatment does she go to see a gynaecologist or a dentist? Assuming she does have to have dental surgery, how would they go about it? A root canal is uncomfortable at the best of times, I can't imagine having one if your vagina would be any better.

Then there are cosmetic problems, like crooked teeth. Some people have measures taken to straighten their teeth. Would Dawn take the time and effort to do this? Having buck teeth in your vagina might put off whoever is lucky enough to see them.

Societal Issues

Assuming it's possible to have teeth in your vagina, is it such a stretch to imagine that maybe, through an even bigger freak chance, it's possible to have a tongue and some sort of primitive system for speech (to answer, yes it is, but bear with me)? Having vagina dentata is slightly strange, but having a talking vagina might get you a rather lucrative career (maybe in ventriloquism).

But there might be issues. What if your vagina is a bit of a dick? What if you bring a nice guy home and you are really into him but your vagina isn't. Being insulted by an object of desire is bad enough when it's the woman but having the actual vagina do it might be ego destroying. Given the circumstances he might be within reason to call it a cunt.

Assuming the verbal exchanges just serves to fan the flames and physical violence is brought in to play what are the legal technicalities? If the vagina attacks you and you attempt to defend yourself is a stray fist in the wrong place going to bring a rape charge along with the standard assault? Are there mitigating circumstances?

 

While I realize that most people probably don't care enough to worry about these things, I do. Dawn's plight touched me in a way that no other story has. I hope that the hypothethical sequel touches on these themes in the same sympathetic and considerate manner that they truly deserve.


*As far as I know this doesn't actually exist but I do know that due to the very nature of these films and the reach of the film media that somewhere, someone decided that this film must be made. If people have the title for it I'd love to know.
†This was touched briefly upon in the film but it didn't go into great depth, for obvious reasons.
‡I have been told that this is where the term "beaver" originates from.

Teeth (?), n.,

pl. of Tooth.

 

© Webster 1913.


Teeth (?), v. i. [imp. & p. p. Teethed (?); p. pr. & vb. n. Teething.]

To breed, or grow, teeth.

 

© Webster 1913.

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