Voted off the island this week: theFez.
Still left on the island: jessicapierce,
moJoe,
dem bones, and
Uberfetus.
Anonymous Pull Quote from remaining survivor:
"The first few days on the island, I gotta say that theFez was one of my
favorite fellow Survivors. He and I were finding a lot of common ground: The
love of Wesley Willis, the insanity, the whole liking to be happy thing...
We were comfortable enough with each other to start hatching diabolical
plots together, most of which involved sneaking booze and/or sluts onto the
island. We even both agreed that, if we ran out of food, we should eat moJoe
first. It was a very cooperative existence.
"As the days passed, however; it became clear that theFez's mind was
beginning to deteriorate due to lack of access to his homemade
mood-stabilizing substances. Early attempts to recreate his home lab on the
island resulted in fiery failure. In time, we convinced him that he'd have
to 'fly solo,' as some of those ingredients (Turpentine? Plutonium?) simply
aren't available on an island.
"In this time of crisis, theFez, as always, turned to spirituality. I should
probably point out that Fez's belief system is somewhat unorthodox. As time
passed, his rituals, many of which included licking dem bones, became
increasingly arcane and, at times, rather disturbing. While we were busy
collecting food or maintaining our shelter, he kept wandering off into the
jungle to meditate, explaining that this was, 'the most important work of
all.' A few times, I even caught him ordering small animals to kill me. At
night, he would stroll back down to the base to mooch food off of us and
steal handfuls of my medication.
"I started paying closer attention to Fez, trying to figure out what was
going on with his mental state. A few nights before Tribal Council, he
showed up wearing some kind of makeshift cape. I noticed he had a dead bird
tied to one of his arms. We decided to confront theFez about his lack of
participation. His response?
"'The island thinks, the island knows! Don't
think it doesn't know!
Hey, can I have some berries now?'
"Then he pulled down his pants and started singing the McDonald's $1,000,000
Menu Song.
"That's when I made up my mind that Fez had to go. It didn't take a rocket
scientist to figure out what was going on. Thefez had reinvented himself as
a kind of tropical deity at one with the island itself; a sick kind of
jungle philosopher of such extreme insanity and evil that he had to be
stopped - at any cost. 'If you vote for me, my legions of spiders with human
heads! will eviscerate you!' he yelled at the meeting. That was a chance
I was willing to take.
"If you're hearing this, Fez, please don't be offended. If you had come
through with the booze or sluts, I wouldn't have voted ya off."
Last Week. Next Week.