Statement Cookie:
A Mild Rant on the Inevitable Paranoia of a Capitalist Economy and its Inevitable Repurcussions
or
Thoughts Encountered in Wok City Diner Today
Damningly dragging me out of my fetal position, my parents stuffed me in the car to spend some quality time with my relatives at the local source of excellent Chinese food, Wok City Diner. After spending the requisite time with formality, we began consuming the heavenly chow mien and calming - oh, so calming! - green tea, just the kind that really helps me when I forget to take my lithium. And, as the neverending lunch ended, our polite waiter brought us the very fortune cookies that originated in San Francisco, 40 miles to the north.
I deftly cracked the cookie and popped one half in my mouth as I read my fortune out loud... "You are the center of attention wherever you go". Maybe it was the green tea acting up with the hot sauce, but I burst out...
"WHERE THE FUCK IS THE FORTUNE IN THIS FORTUNE COOKIE?"
Of course, this caused the one-half of my relatives that were still in the restaraunt turn and look at me. Thankfully, half of them didn't know what "fuck" means. My parents did. But enough of that; let's go back to the point...
WHY DO FORTUNE COOKIES NOT HAVE FORTUNES IN THEM ANYMORE?
Fortune cookies are supposed to give us an indication of the future! They aren't supposed to be statements about what you are NOW - they are supposed to give you your state in the future, whether it be years from now or seconds from now! "You WILL be the center of attention" would be a proper fortune; "You ARE" is a statement, a presupposed fact (which is false in my case anyway). Here, take a look at some other "statement cookies":
I KNOW I have a large penis! Now, tell me if there will be shrinkage in the near future or not! Even more annoying are the vague "statement cookies":
So, what happened? Obviously, this is a byproduct of a liberal, capitalist economy and the paranoia that spreads over such societies (that's one of the reasons I love them so much!). What am I blabbering about? The fortune cookie printers are afraid of getting sued! Can you imagine how many idiots there are out there who would try to sue the people who make fortune cookies because the fortunes "didn't come true"? That's it, of course. You can't tell someone "You will be prosperous" and then watch Silicon Valley take a plunge months later, and get sued as a result. And, believe me, there are people stupid enough to sue the fortune cookie makers.
And the people who make fortune cookies? They're not overly rich, by no means - it's an easy job. Anyone can do it. I can do it. You could do it. To survive, they had to agree to "selling out" and making vague, obscure, senseless "statement cookies". But can you blame them? Can you? Would you do anything different in their situation?
The fortune cookie makers didn't sell out. The society sold out. AND DON'T YOU FUCKING TELL ME ANYTHING DIFFERENT!
I think I need my lithium again. Or the green tea. Green tea rocks.