I just cropped and inserted the few photos I took from my weekend in DC and NYC
. As is usual with pictures, they aren't enough to record much of what really happened, since when you photograph anything, whether it's a person
, you're always explaining something about them. I think one of the reasons anyone keeps photographs, aside from keeping a record of one's experiences, is simply because everyone else does it
. Everyone's got at least one photo album, and some have catalogs of them, all in some semblance
of order, of a timeline
For the longest time, I thought that I must not have much of a life to look back on, since I only have half an album's worth of pictures. I used to have a habit of removing and discarding photos of people who for whatever reason have stepped out of my life or stepped out of importance in my memories, often both. But I would never remove their faces entirely, just cut down on the repetition, since when I had a halfway decent camera in college (before I sold it to pay the rent one month) and took a photography course, I took as many pictures as my subjects would allow. Because of this, I still have the negatives, if I ever want to see them again.
Now, as I flip through the ones that are newer ones taken within the last year, I see that I have added, with the photos, a new stage of my life. I took pictures of every rathole I lived in for posterity's sake, and a few of co-worker's, whom I've known for almost 3 years, a record for me keeping the same job. When you spend more time with a guy than his own girlfriend, 10 hours a day for 5 days for 3 years, you can't help but consider him a friend, or at least a big brother. I have all the pics from the photo shoot Shmuel and I were in when I visited him in June, some pictures of me when I first shaved my head, just one of my brother when he last saw me in August, and now the wedding and NYC trip photos. I still have at least 8 more pages before the book is full, and I have this need to keep them as empty as I can until I leave. It's not that there is nothing left here that I want to capture, it's just that I am reluctant to buy another album.
In this one book there is a brief history of me from infancy to high school and college, then the aftermath, and I guess I questioned whether I would be around to continue my own history. Not that I would be dead, but that I would feel so old so quickly. I know I have lots to learn and look forward to it, but already I feel I know too much, I remember too much. I am past the point of lamenting over lost people from my past, arriving at the point beyond which I doubt I will want to re-connect with them if presented with the option. And so, I have this whole clean slate before me, and while I look forward to it,. I am already aware how hard it may be. I never thought I'd make new friends, because I feared having to be hurt like I was when I was younger. I'm finding out, thankfully, that it can never be that painful, that some things do get better as you age.