I know I’ll miss her later
Wish I could bend my love to hate her
Wish I could be her creator
To twist her arms now

Oh I sleep just to dream her
I beg the night just to see her
That my only love should be her
Just to lie in her arms

Mmmm this space between us
Where wingless dreams fall earless
Will you not bear me witness
With your back to me now
It seems so unnerving
Yet still somehow deserving
That she could hold my heart so tightly
And still not see me here

"Sleep To Dream Her" - Everyday, 2001, Dave Matthews Band

Dave speaks for me again, even through the Daytime soap sax, echo-crazy, overdramatic myriad that this song becomes on the Everyday album. The gender difference is nothing - every day I see him my dreams, which are in themselves born doomed, melt into an uncomfortable ice that settles around my heart and throat.

Does this make me stronger? Knowing that there’s this extra part of me, because everyone he surrounds himself with now, they haven’t really felt it, they really don’t know, they don’t know love, or hate, or pain, just this pathetic Cosmo version which runs their mascara a little. They haven’t felt their muscles cramp with the absolute rage and pain of it all, their hearts slice into two, the cold ice stab of rage and anger and jealousy, the sickness of knowing what’s going on when you aren’t there. But that does make us, the ones who have felt this, superior or does that make us scarred?

Shit, if I had the words, the words of what the fuck, and why the fuck, because as much as I hate swearwords, nothing else can express it like the gutter vocal sound, the harshness, the shock.

I wish I could either love him unbridled again, fearlessly and hopelessly to his face, or poison myself with hate for him, rather than having to stare into the huge gorge of past memories and present awkwardnessness every time I see him, which visually is invisible but stands strong like a wall of lightning nostolgia, pain, sexual attraction and betrayal - how am I supposed to pretend everything is okay when I can hardly see him through that haze?

The sinking concrete guilt of smiling about night time thinks about him, my imagination a place where miracles happen and love actually does conquer all. I could sleep forever where we are happy again. However I managed to be in love with the world, with the beauty and the moments… I hope that tomorrow I wake up and that’s how I feel.

But as usual, Dave says it better than me

(lyrics cited from www.davematthewsband.com, the official dmb site)

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