We were driving to Cub Foods
, formerly Waremart
, make up your mind people) in Bodhi's mint green rambler
one evening, for no particular reason that I can remember. Most likely to just goof around in the massive aisles, snack from the bulk food section
, and steal a couple things. I was playing out some scenario to her how we should first to go the yuppie frozen yogert store adjacent to Cub Foods and make a little scene. The plan was that we would walk in first and sit down, watch people and talk for a little while, then I would jump up onto someones table and start yelling, preaching
salvation and The Lord
. She would beg for mercy, repent, and then we would run out. So I was making a preperatory speach in the car, shouting this person had sinned and that was an atrocity and watch out for judgement day
, mostly we were just giggling. She was telling me that both my then girlfriend and I were a lot more fun when we were not together, which was true since together we glommed onto each other and most of the outside world faded away.
Walking down one of the aisles we came upon the Condiment
Section. Now in stores from a previous generation this section was of no particular importance or notice, however in the age of bulk purchasing stores it is transformed into a mild atrocity. Gallon upon gallon of gelatinous bland colored goop stares down at you from super sized
tubs stacked towards the ceiling. I have always had a sick fascination with shatterproof packaging, this is American to the core. As if the general public of consumers
are too clumsy to be trusted with glass when spreading their peanut butter
. The bonus of this is that it not only survives dropping, but you may throw and kick your peanut butter jar around the kitchen
without giving a second thought to damaging it. I am guilty of this.
I wanted to show Bodhi how wonderful this was, so as we were walking I reached out and grabbed a two gallon tub of Miracle Whip
from the shelf next to me, she looked over and I let go of it from chest level. It plummeted towards the floor, hit, and bounced a little bit before settling on its side and rolling slowly into my shoe. No harm done, the miracle of modern technology! No. It could not end there, Bodhi grabs a tub of salad dressing
and tries the experiment herself. Her mistake was in grabbing a generic brand
, these are notorious for cutting corners in the packaging department, just consider the ever present ghetto labels they use. While shatterproof is shatterproof, there are other things to consider. And so she drops it between us and it hits the floor, the lid flies off and ranch dressing
erupts all over place. Staggering back and laughing hysterically I fall into the shelf behind me dislodging a gallon sized jug of cranberry juice
which falls to the floor and begins gushing everywhere. The Condiment Section is now a disaster! Giggling and almost laughing with tears we run out of the store and drive home feeling slightly ashamed.