I guess I don't really regret it. I mean, it was a long time ago. I was out with some friends at this bar, just nursing our drinks, when this rowdy bunch of fighter pilot
s come in, fresh from the Clone Wars
--they'd been assigned out near Tatooine
, so it wasn't really any surprise they'd come here for a drink after years of living here, mixing it up with the droid
s and the clone
s. Most of them were your typical rowdy, randy asshole
s, but one of them was quieter, more alert....
and a total hunk.
Do I ordinarily go for mysterious men
? Well, yes, when I can't get a tall, dark and handsome Wookiee
. Anyhow, he said his name was "Anakin Skywalker
," which sounded so corny, I knew he was lying. We really hit it off, and I gave him a fake name
, too, the name of some woman who walked in on me with her husband a month before. Cute girl. Anyhow.
So my friends weren't having any luck, and they decided to go home, but I stayed there at the bar; why not? He was a dreamboat, and every word he said made me swoon. This guy, it was like, I don't know, some crazy Vulcan mind meld
or whatever. We left a few hours later, and went back to his place, a total hole in the wall where he was staying on shore leave
. Well, we were just about to, you know, mine the spice
, shock the Jawa
, ride the Taunton, whatever you want to call it... and this total asshole bursts through the door. Jedi
-looking grimy granola tree-hugger, you know, and he says "Anakin, we have to go, now, the Sith
are coming for you!"
And then I got even more excited, but frustrated at the same time, because he was, like, totally gone. I mean, who knew this guy had such a Dark Side
? Fighter pilot, Sith chasing him everywhere. Well, I mean, I figured he just owed them money or something. I didn't even have time to say anything, he was just gone. I saw the door slide shut, and it was like I woke up from a nap.
Anyway, that's how I met him. So when he showed up at the same bar a few weeks ago, I immediately recognized him. I mean, choking people from across the room, cleaving them in twain
with his lightsaber
... man, that long, red, throbbing lightsaber
... sure he was all decked out in black, and he had that mask on, but I totally recognized him--maybe it was the walk. After he finished killing everyone in the bar, he was just about to kill me, too, and he took his mask off--well, not the breathing apparatus, just the faceplate. Girl-l-l-l... nuh-uh! No way! He was still the same hottie, just older, a little wrinkled, with lava scars all over. I didn't even realize it then, and I could have kicked myself--I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway, he says, "Hey, babe, I'm almost done here. How about I finish up and we go back to my place, and do some catching up?"
What could I say? Of course
I went back with him. Now, you've got to understand. I'm not a slut
or anything. It's not like I sleep around
, I just, y'know, really like variety. It's the spice of life. Maybe he thought he was the only guy in my life--you know, that Dark Jedi
ego--but there had been a few other guys in the meantime... a Hutt
or two, some Ewok
s... but mostly humans. And I was laying on the couch, racking my brain to remember who he reminded me of.
He poured us drinks, and we laid down together, and it was like a half-hour later, I was having sex with the Darth Vader
, that I got through the whole checklist:
- long, flowing robe
- direct line to supreme ruler of the Universe
- funny hat
- carries a big scepter to make up for certain, um, shortcomings
- subjects cower in fear and genuflect whenever he comes around
- not very good in bed...
I put it all together! After Anakin had ditched me, we all took a vacation to the Outer Rim, and I was looking for a nice guy, just a fling, you know, and I met this "The Pope" guy, and we totally had a one-night stand. He got up the next morning and said he "had to go to church
" (what a lame excuse), and I had this total crush on him, but the girls were leaving, so I got on the ship, and I never saw him again.
Well, this Darth Vader guy was a dead ringer
for him! We're there doing a Sith-ty Nine
, and it's all I can do not to scream out "John Paul!" I was so embarrassed, I just faked it and got the hell out of there.
this is the result of a nodeshell challenge.