A list, to whit:

Let's face it, you're old. You're an old, old person, and as such, your sex-drive is nearly non-existent. You need something to put a little ram back in your rod, or perhaps a little punch back in your pouch. What you need is--

  • The Eroscillator - It's the only sex toy personally endorsed by Dr. Ruth (a fellow old person), and it's shiny and gold. $99 + S&H (http://www.eroscillator.com)

Is your furniture sexy enough? I mean, is it really sexy enough? Does it have anal and vaginal pneumatics, not to mention electro-stimulatory devices? Is it fully adjustable and collapsible with four different built in restraints? We thought not.

  • In that case, you most definitely need to invest in the Original P.E.S. Auto Erotic ChairTM. What other piece of furniture can offer all this and in such an attractive package? $3,500 + S&H (http://www.peselectro.com/products/auto_erotic_chair.html)

Tired of putting your penis into dirty old vaginas? Bored with the pleasures of the flesh and looking to score a new sensory high? Feel an unnatural attraction to circuit boards? Well then, have we got the thing for you.

  • It's the FEC Cock and Ball Torture Board from the fine people at Blowfish. You stick your wiener into a hole in a circuit board, and then you run live current through it! Fun! $199.95 + S&H (http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/toys/fec.html)

How many times have you said to yourself, "I really love riding the mechanical bull down at my local Country and Western bar, but I wish there was some way that I could insert something into my vagina or ass at the same time." Well now there is!

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