September 28, 2003

Yesterday I bought a Thoth tarot deck from a person in Montana. They sent a friendly response explaining when to expect delievery. Unusual, interesting. I looked at their profile, which said they - she - were selling only items from their personal possessions, cleaning house as it were. Their shipping location was Bozeman, Montana.

My car broke down just outside Bozeman in early-June at 1am of the second day of a cross-country drive back in ...

Oh my God! That was over a decade ago.

... In any case, I and my two cohorts looked exactly like what we were - three nearly broke college students driving east to summer jobs. We pushed the car to a nearby mechanic shop and slept in the car until they opened, nearly getting hypothermia during the night. The mechanic worked on our car for 5 hours straight in order to find the little carburator O-ring that had given up the ghost but only charged us $40.

After we'd thanked him profusely and left, the woman of our trio swore she would go back there and have his children someday, a scrifice made all the more notable considering the fact that she was a militant lesbian. But she kept the O-ring, so maybe she planned to actually do it someday.

I can see it now: "And in other news, Bozeman has become a Mecca for child-bearing-militant-lesbian migration."

I haven't noded for a while, been too busy with life/school. So here goes nothing.

Well, it's precisely one month until my birthday, one year before I'm an adult. And I have no clue what I want to do. With anything. My girlfriend's birthday was 5 days ago, and I'm seeing her next weekend. I can't wait. That'll cheer me up a little bit. Hopefully. It should. We live far away (not as far as some, but for someone without a method of transportation, it gets to be very difficult). I told her that I'd bring her birthday present up when I go up. Hopefully she'll like it. I got her a small ring. And am getting her a necklace, too. Which I'll put in a jewelry box I got for her a while ago in London. She should enjoy it. Hopefully. As she's said, just me being up there is present enough for her. Hopefully.

Back to my birthday, though. She keeps asking what I want. And I keep saying I don't know. It's odd, cause I really don't. Soon my mom's going to be asking me what I want for my birthday. To tell to relatives. And I'm going to tell her that I don't know. And she'll say that my relatives won't be able to get me anything. And I'll say "time" or "money". Because time would be nice, for obvious reasons (I hope). And money I can save, until I need it (college). But, out of those two, one can't, and the other doesn't. I've noticed that I don't need many more material goods. I've got everything I need, and that basically surrounds my girlfriend and my computer. With some other stuff inserted in certain places. And, the truth is, guys aren't as sentimental as girls are, so the types of things she'd like are not necessarily the types of things I'd like. Which makes it even harder. Because she then can't get something of no use, only sentimental value, and expect it to be cherished. Meaning I'll have to come up with something soon. And that's hard. For reasons previously described. Oh well.

I guess I'm in a sorta depressed state right now. But not really depressed. I'm annoyed at the amount of homework I have. And how little time I have after school. And junior year in general. But I guess I'm mostly depressed about not being able to see my girlfriend for long stretches at a time, like at camp. Ahh, that was nice. 4 weeks of seeing her every day. And now, less than a week a month. Leaves lots of time for other things. Too much time, if you ask me. Of course, that's why I'm sorta depressed right now.

But, as I said before, I get to see her next weekend. And that's good. Great, in fact. But then, whenever I see her I also have to say goodbye. And that's not good. I guess I try to forget about the leaving, and focus on the being. Hopefully.

I know I haven't posted anything for a while. I usually come here to write when I have steam to let off, or a point to make. I'm not sure what this qualifies as, but just take it for what it's worth.

So my parents come down to campus last night to watch my football game, and I'm pretty excited. We ended up beating them pretty good, so I got in halfway through the 3rd quarter. I played pretty damn good and was flying high by the end of the game.

I find my parents on the way to the locker room and spend about 15 minutes talking excitedly about the game with them. I catch up a little bit with them about what's happening back home and start to notice a lack of excitement in the tone of their voices. After a while, my dad tells me about this letter that he got a week ago.

In this letter, was a letter from our insurance company concerning an accident I was in nearly two years ago, during my senior year of high school. Before we go on, I will describe the accident.

During the first semester of my senior year, I was taking calculus in the morning at college in town and then driving to high school. I went the same way every day, but on this particular day, I didn't stop at the stop sign in town. I ran it, and then into this lady's car. It was completely my fault, and I took full responsibility for it. Both cars were totalled and the driver of the other car had a swollen hand that she had to go to the hospital for. I was under the impression that she was released the same day and that everything was over. It wasn't.

This woman is suing my dad because they think he knew that I was some kind of danger behind the wheel. I was 17, lots of teens get in accidents. They are also suing me and the insurance company for emotional trama, loss of wages, and who the hell knows what else. Here I am, in my sophomore year in college, being sued for something that happened two years ago during an accident. This could be the turning point in my life, the way I see it. It is completely possible that she ends up getting more than the $100,000 that our insurance covers. Which means that my parents are going to have to pay out of pocket for the rest of the amount, which also means that my college years are all but over, and I start working at home for the rest of my life and pay this woman for her "emotional damage."

Even now, a full day after I heard about this, I am tearing up just typing it out here. I feel completely lost. What is going to happen? This is the most scared I've ever felt in my life. That's really all I can write right now, I'll try to put a couple of more w/u's on here because I think this may help me move on.