the twenty ninth of may doesn't exist in my head tonight. i'm so confused by may 29, 1981. may feels akin to february tonight. no 29th, not even with a leap year.. no, what is going on with me these days.. disconnected. so disconnected.

you can tell when someone is gone, even if it doesn't seem to effect you directly.. it does, though, this time.

he said i didn't make sense today but i don't think i ever make sense and i feel so light today so sooo light. i am so in love with matthew good. how dreamy can one individual be. sigh.

:)

dear moth'y, i miss you and am thinking of you even though we haven't been talking so much lately..
Bah, misgivings about school. I'm taking all of these wonderfully hardcore classes, and the gearhead in me says I should be enjoying them, even though I'm not. Out of Computer Architecture, Operating Systems, and Artificial Intelligence, only the AI class is remotely fun, and even it is teaching a lot of forty year old technique that I'm not all that interested in. I suppose the OS class is neat, but I feel out of my league even being there. That class is full of people who are about to graduate, and are depressingly serious about the material. I'm approaching the class with my usual luck-is-the-key attitude towards grades, so I hope I'm not about to fail miserably.

I know the bottom's dropped out of the technology marketplace, but I already have 50 major hours, so I'm pretty much locked into the engineering program death march. I will get that magic diploma or die trying. First, leaving now would mean throwing away around $8000 of education, which I simply can't afford to do. Second, the high drop-out rate of Computer Science students everywhere will hopefully assure any future employer that since I graduated, I'm good at handling difficulty. Which I am. Sometimes.

Taking all of these senior-level CS classes has reminded me of how much more fun the neuroscience and psychology classes I took over the summer were. It's frustrating that the best class I've ever had at this university (the neuroscience one, FYI) was outside my major and didn't count towards it. Even worse, I found out recently that the minor it would've counted to isn't even offered any more, due to overcrowding in the department. Ack, I wish college degrees had a little list of the classes you took at the bottom, instead of the big bold text which certifies that you're Good At Topic A but implies that you know nothing about Topic B.

 

Work is going along nicely, too. Since they cycled in new management (the fourth general manager since I've been there) business has been a lot better. Actually, business probably isn't any different, but with the kids all back from summer break, and the paucity of other workers, it really seems that way. Recently I had a $90 night, not bad for driving pizza around town for eight hours, and the most I've made in one night for the past nine months or so. Although complaint is the accepted form of communication concerning employment, I really can't right now.

 

Also, I've recently come into posession of a little bit of 5-meo-DMT, the easier to handle little brother of Terence McKenna's favorite, DMT. I've never read a trip report that mentioned any body load, but it's there and it's substantial. Smoking the substance makes my heart rate (or at least my perception thereof) double, which is distracting and scary enough to suck any hope of learning or even having a good time out of its psychedelic nature. Unfortunate, because I can tell by how strong the effects are that it would be an excellent ride if it didn't feel like it was killing me. Further experimentation is necessary (different smoking methods for one), and a writeup of my own under 5-meo-DMT will probably appear soon.

How's everybody today? Good I hope. How am I? I'm all right. Sorta funny actually. Its been one of the shortest days so far actually. I woke up at 3 pm, then left for school at 5:30 which didn't start until 6:30. That's when my misadventures began.

My mind was so out of it simply because I was suffering from my tendonitis. The clinic I went to yesterday told me to buy a 32 dollar wrist brace! 32 bucks!? Who did they think I am? Bill Gates? Haha! Sorry. I guess I'm just being "thrifty" but money's tight lately. Since my mom works as a travel agent, even her hours have been cut since the terrorist acts. So I have to tighten up my suspenders and bear and grin it, and help out more. Sucks in a way, as I feel like I've lost some of the freedom that I have because of the money lost. Don't misunderstand, it's not that I'm unwilling to help out, it's just that ideally, I just wish we didn't have to work. Ain't that the wish of many? Anyways, as I was on the bus, I was talking to the bus driver asking him why how come sometimes when I want the next bus stop request sign to come up, it doesn't. He didn't really explain and I sat down and just listened to my Fin.K.L cd. Slowly, I drifted off to sleep. Imagine that? After 13 hours of sleep (Yeah I know I'm bragging now!), I still fell asleep. I'll just blame it on the music. When I was approaching my stop, I was still asleep. I didn't even notice. I would have wound up downtown! Fortunately, this really really really really attractive young lady woke me up because she overheard me talking to the bus driver about going to school at Langara College. I woke up, introduced myself before I left, and hoped that I could see her again next time.

I get to school, and I feel like I'm being stared at. Ever had one of those days when you feel like you're being stared at? I guess that's just the oversleeping kicking in, in the form of complete and utter paranoia. I get to class, and I find out that my classmate who told me last week that the class was cancelled that the class actually happened. Sorta annoyed me but to make it up to me, she photocopied the notes for me! How sweet! But then the assignment wasn't done, but then she gave me a copy of it too! At that point, I just wanted to scream halleluah but I settled down to a thank you. Be natural I kept telling myself. Screw that.

Economics class was as exciting as ever (please note some sarcasm) but since I missed last class, I still paid attention to make sure that I didn't really miss anything important since the midterm is next week. Thank god I had the foresight to read ahead. I wasn't really that much far back and when I answered a question about the relationship between marginal cost, marginal benefit, and supply and demand correctly, people were astonished. I was always the little quiet guy in the back. Granted I knew some people there, but now they took notice. During the break, some of them talked to me too. One was really cute too. When we left the class, I waved bye to her and she waved bye. Damn it. I already forgot her name. I'm an idiot.

I'm the type who doesn't really like to stand on the bus stop not really doing anything so I walk around, almost pacing. There was this other girl there that was really cute and started staring at me. I said nothing simply because I thought that I was making her uncomfortable due to my pacing. For the next 45 minutes, she stared and stared all the way to Richmond. I was gonna ask her why, but then she got off. When she did, she turned around and waved bye to me. Damn. I'm having a good day. A really really really really good day. That's it. That means I'm dead tomorrow. Great. Time to get some life insurance.

It's been three weeks since my best friend stopped talking to me. I screwed up again, and didn't give her the privacy she wanted and deserved. I've missed talking to her. I've missed hearing her laugh. I've missed hearing her cuss me out. I don't know how she can forgive me for what I've done, but I'm finished trying to pretend I don't need her. I guess I need her more than she needs me. I never realized how much I took her for granted. We joked around a lot and I was always picking on her. Now that she's left my life, I'm able to see just how much she filled me with joy. I wish I could take it all back, just to talk to her again. I've never been this close to anyone before, and I guess it scared me. I've always said I was an Emotional Retard, now I've proven myself right. I've never wanted to be so wrong before. I had hoped that I'd go through life without any regrets, but once again, I have failed. I regret what I did that night. I regret that I pushed her away. I regret everything I ever did to hurt her. She once told me that no one else has ever made her cry as much as I have. Now I'm the one who is crying. I'm sorry.

Well, it never worked out that this nomic I’ve been working at was able to justify paying off my temp agency and hiring me directly, as we talked about several months ago. And now that they have re-evaluated their financial projections, they cannot keep me temp-ing through the end of the financial year. They have been good people about this, very sincere, and I have not ever felt that they were offering a carrot, with their talk of going perm.
So, it's back to daily temp-ing assignments, I suppose. I’ll be talking to the agency tomorrow morning to rattle their cage and see what they can hook me up with . . .

Woe is Ouroboros, for he shall become as an internet nomad,
never knowing with certainty just when or from whence he shall next log in.
Today I decided to go to school. Or, rather, enroll in university.

This will be the beginning of a long and arduous journey, starting at grade-11 and 12 math and then choosing and following a career path.

I'm thinking computer science. /msg me if you have any suggestions as to what the future of this little noder will be :)

Also, for the first time in all of history, I was banned from an IRC channel - this would be #e. I said "******" (yes, with stars) and was banned for "being a dick". *sighs* Perchance I will one day have this ban lifted... Perchance.

Anywho, this would be my first daylog. I've been around (in essence) for a few months now, and just recently (this month) I have started my own writeups. I think an online community is one of the most fantabulous things in the world, and am getting a warm fuzzy feeling typing this out. :)

The most awkward thing happened today. I know this girl, Suzanne, from camp, and she's one of the most annoying people I know. She doesn't mean to be annoying, she just has a knack for it. We both go to Oberlin now, so I have to spend a lot of effort avoiding her. Of course, she's really thick, so she doesn't understand that I just don't want to talk to her.

So today I was doing my CS homework when there was a knock on my door. My neighbor, Eric, is standing there with Suzanne. He asks, "Joel, are you avoiding Suzanne?" I say, "Yes," and begin closing the door. Suzanne bursts out laughing. Eric starts to say, "Now wait a minute, wait a minute," but I close the door, lock it, and continue doing my homework.

That was so awkward. I don't want to be an asshole but I couldn't deny the fact that I'm avoiding her. So I've spent the rest of the day thinking up things to say if she confronts me again and asks me why I'm avoiding her. Here's a little list I've got so far:

  1. "I have a social disease."
  2. "I have a deadly illness and you are the only one susceptible to getting it. It's for your own good."
  3. "I'm so madly in love with you that I can't stand being near you."
  4. "Go away."
  5. "You wouldn't understand. You can never know the darkness of MY SOUL!!!!"

Ehh... hopefully she'll have gotten the hint by now...

I'm writing this today, which is actually tomorrow, but all concerned events happened on the correct date, so deal with it.

I need a sunburn, I need a raincoat

The day began with the alarm going off at 9am as usual. And not after that, because the power decided that was a convenient time to go off for roughly 6 hours. Turns out the local electric utility saw fit to work on my power that day. Whatever. It wasn't a work day (I work modified third watch, phase two, which runs me 11am-9pm sat-wed one week and mon-wed the next), but I had reserved the morning for a heart-warming trip to everyones favorite monument to government slowness, the DMV. See, I called them a week or so ago, and told me I had a mere 10 days to register my 2002 Volkswagen Jetta, so I made an appointment, not because I was in a hurry, but because I wanted to laugh at the immense line of poor saps that didn't. I got to wait in line for roughly 20 minutes before being informed that, no, they would mail me something, because I have 90 days to register a new car, and the 10 days is for used cars. Thanks, unknown DMV operator.

From there, it was off to pick up my sister, and take her to get the tires rotated and a nail removed on our classy 1991 Ford Taurus (most famous, of course, for being the same car that late-night king Conan O'Brien drives), that, thank God, I don't have to drive anymore. I realized at that point that she was the first vagina to ride in my car. (For some reason I find it funny to consider the fact that when 10 girls are in a room, there are 10 boxes, or 10 penises for guys. Do I have a weird fixation or problem or something like that? Oh yeah.) Kinda pathetic. Whatever.

It was at some point (I think around 11:30) that I realized I didn't want to be at home for the rest of the day. Or at all. So it was time to plan yet another road trip to take my Green Machine on. I decided on the beach for purely arbitrary reasons. Mostly because I haven't been there in years, despite living only 70 or 80 miles from it, as the crow flies. I didn't really want to take the normal interstate route, so I chose Highway 4, which runs from my hometown to almost the coast, and through a few switchbacks can take me over to the Pacific Coast Highway (Highway 1). I chose Red Rock Beach, a fairly highly rated beach, for A) Tan maintenance and B) fewer trendy people to note the fact that I am overweight. So I grabbed my towel, a change of clothes, a map, and extra batteries for my portable CD player (Note: If you ever want something to stand out in a brand new car, get one of those.) and headed out.

The basic idea is to get to highway 4, make a right, and keep heading west. It was a nice drive. Lots of farmland, not too much traffic, at least not traffic that I couldn't pass. It was 2-lane for most of the way, but got way up when it met up with some more major highways. It took me about 2.5 hours to get over to highway one... it would have probably saved some time to go through San Francisco, which is the way most people go, but it was more fun this way.

A note to anyone who wants to try out their new sport suspension: Drive on the Pacific Coast Highway. It's curvy as fuck. It was about a 20 minute drive to the trailhead. Apparently the fine folks who designed the road didn't believe it guardrails, which I found odd, because of all the places I've driven, I'd think the edge of a cliff with a 1,000+ foot drop to jagged rocks, undertows, and shark infested water would be an ideal place. But they don't pay me to think. Or at all. Anyhoo, I parked the machine, got my towel and change of clothes (jeans in case there was poison oak on the trail). And, after a little difficulty, found the trail (it happened to be tucked behind some road construction, which made it a little hard to find). It was about a 10 minute climb down what felt like the face of a cliff, but was actually a switchback over several riverbeds that drain in to the Pacific Ocean. Parts of the trail had washed out, but most of it was either intact or bypassed.

The beach itself was pretty deserted. There were 5 or 6 other sunbathers joining me. I picked my spot, laid out my towel, and finally enjoyed the fruits of my labor. I let the tan set in for about an hour and headed back up the trail, as the tide was coming in and the wind was too, blowing sand like nobody's business, certainly not mine. I got back to my car, only to find that road construction had closed the road the way I had came. Lucky for me, there was an overland bypass that I took. I got back to the highway and decided to go through San Francisco, which meant over the Golden Gate Bridge and Bay Bridge.

As I drove through the city (the highway turns into city streets for a while) it occured to me that my old friend, old flame, and cause for many a nights of sorrow and many a day of pensiveness Kim, is attending the University of San Francisco and keeps asking me to visit her. For reasons that are simply to longwinded to go into now, I have been avoiding that, but I figured now was as good a time as any. Lucky for me my sense of direction is fairly good, and after about 45 minutes of aimless driving, I found the campus.

And I get no answers, and I don't get no change: It's raining in baltimore baby, everything else is the same

I found a parking spot, and headed to her building. I stopped short outside the building, as every reason I have ever felt less than affectionate or warm towards her came flooding back. I turned around and rested against a trash can outside. Three girls came out for a smoke, discussing the nothings of a classic existence. As their nicotine scent drifted to me, my mind became a flood of everything we had been, how she pulled me out of an intensely dark place in my life, but ultimately to a place that I neither needed nor wanted to be. The wind picked up and wrapped it's cold tendrils around my legs as if to punctuate exactly how I was feeling then: cold and adrift. So I decided to do what I always do when I feel lost. Find a piano and play it. I found one in the corner of the lounge on the bottom floor of her building. I didn't know what to play, but ended up with my own acoustic version of Counting Crows' "Raining in Baltimore", which just seemed all to appropriate at that point.

You get what you pay for, but I just had no intention of living this way

I walked out, half intending to leave but ended up at the cafeteria, got a cup of cherry coke, which just seemed to make me colder than I already was. They were out of straws. I ended up back in front of her building. I didn't want to go in, but I didn't want to leave. So I called her. She sounded happy enough to see me, which I guess was good. I told her I was downstairs, and she didn't believe me for about a minute. Finally she came running down and practically knocked me over with a hug, screaming in my ear about how happy she was to see me. As cold and tired as I was, I couldn't get the smile off my face or keep my face from burying itself in the right crook of her neck, where it always just feels like it belongs. She brought me to her room, we caught up... well more like she caught up. I don't enjoy talking about myself or my life, and most people don't enjoy hearing it, so we have a nice understanding. I met all her important people, it was nice. I didn't tell her why I was there, just mentioned I was in the neighborhood. We hung out for about an hour, and then she had a sorority function to go to, so we said our goodbyes. I was glad I went, and it didn't hurt like I thought it would. I guess I let her go a while ago, and never let myself know.

If you ever get a chance to see San Francisco at night, do it, it's beautiful.

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