September 26, 2012

Everything I write is depressing.

And the worst part about it is that I'm not a teenager, so I can't even use that as an excuse. I think it's just that I've experienced enough negativity over the past few years that it has changed the way I look at the world and I want to share what I've learned. Unfortunately, my attempts at sharing my newfound point of view tends to inspire silence in others and I haven't figured out yet if it's thoughtful appreciation or some sort of judgement against me.

How do I express a strong opinion about a negative subject without alienating people? Writing about it bluntly comes across as too much of a rant. Creating characters based on myself or people in my life makes me feel vulnerable and judged, expecially if I don't get the reaction I want. Making up new people seems to be working the best so far, although I find it more difficult to control them that way. Whatever emotion or thought that I want to convey doesn't always make it onto the page as the situation just goes off in its own direction without caring about what I want it to do.

I'm stressed out that nothing is coming out right. It seems like negative situations and people need to be approached carefully, more so than I realized. I feel as though I could be telling my story in a better way. I worry that others judge me as being some sort of emo chick, when in actuality I've been working very hard on improving my life. Julia Cameron says that one of the best ways to write well is to live well, or something like that. So here I am searching for positivity, finding spirituality, getting my head on straight, reaching out to people. I just spent an entire week of vacation reconnecting with family and old friends. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. Yet tonight at my writing group it was all negativity that came out. It's like this dam has burst and there won't be calm waters until everything that was bottled up crashes out. Right now, I can't bring myself to talk about anything happy. It feels uncomfortable.

Okay, enough depressing ranting already. I just wish that I could express myself better. I know I have something valuable to say but it's hiding like an eel beneath my skin slipping away each time I try to grab it by the tail and rip it out. Sorry everyone. I used to be really good at this but I guess I'm rusty now. I'll keep practising.

I've been at the real job for about ten weeks now and the verdict is I like it. The days are long and unpredictable, but they always are in service. I'm repairing burglar alarms. Most jobs are simple but go smoothly, find out what the problem is and fix it. Some don't. Today a job i thought would be quick and simple took hours, and i had to change out the panel. But that's how it goes. It's like Berties Every Flavor Beans, you never know what you're going to get.

It also involves a LOT of driving. My territory is the state of Ohio. My office is my truck. Those who know me understand I really enjoy driving. I'm alone in my truck with NPR. And Ohio can be a really beautiful place to drive. Much of it is boring and urban, but Ohio is rich in farmland. It has hills and trees, and Southern Ohio can be quite hilly indeed. Many of my customers live in small towns. So I often find myself on twisty roads in National Forests, going around hills, curves and sweepers.

Makes me wish I was driving my SVT Focus rather then a full-sized Chevy van. AT least when there's pavement. At first I drove quickly, speeding just a bit. But lately I'm doing that less then ever. After all, I'm probably going to average 60,000 miles a year in this van. Most cops are reasonable, they'll give you 10% over. But I will inevitably pass through small towns where community fundraising is a major police goal. And my truck has a GPS so that if I go too fast management will get an email. Wherever I go, I'm tracked. But the biggest reason is when you're driving down a two lane road, with a small river to one side, surrounded by trees and rock faces, green leaves and tall forests, you want to take the time to see, to notice how beautiful the world can be. My company pays me to get there, and I will-- provided my Tom Tom picks the best route (and it sometimes doesn't). They pay me for the destination but there's no reason not to enjoy the journey.