Today I am buying tickets for the James Brown concert.

Tonight is The Living Closet once again. I'll probably be working the door and helping strike after it's done. Sometime today my computer may have Linux up and running. I'm not holding my breath.

in our last episode... | p_i-logs | and then, all of a sudden...

Well, no Internet connection all day (I'm using TextPad to type this)
Worked on chopping up the tree that fell. I wrote a bunch of nodes (on TextPad again.)

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September 16, 1999,September 18, 1999
I'm a sap.. I like this boy.. anyway.. thats not what is on my mind..

I have this image.. which is me.. what I want to be.. I saw this woman today.. she was.. can we say.. a bit overweight.. ok.. she was "fat.. like orca fat" to quote Kevin Spacey in The Usual Suspects.. If i ever got like that I would probably kill myself.. not because I am so vain.. but because I am insecure.. I am a fool.. putting my fears up here.. but fuck it..

I was drinking last weekend with all my friends.. and someone called me over.. i fell onto their lap.. and all i could think instead of just hugging them .. was "oh my god.. they are thinking she is a blimp and is crushing me.." i would never judge someone.. on something so fucking superfical.. but at the same time I am scared to be hated on that.. im scared that a imperfection or being to heavy would make someone walk away from me.. part of me says "who wants someone so superfical around".. but "im human.. and i need to be loved.. just like everybody else does" .. ok enough lyrics.. but it is true.. at least i admit it.. im scared.. rejection is horrible.. as the next month goes by.. i know i will be 20 lbs lighter.. and i will say something like "i feel great.. i kick ass.." my confidence will soar.. i feel guilty about it.. but the guilt will subside as i realize to the materialistic eye.. i am prettier.. am i foolish to think others feel this way too .. but are just too scared to admit it.. i ate a fuckload while i was in seattle and chicago.. creme broulee.. pasta.. cheesecake.. but as soon as i returned home.. back to the guilty if i eat, guilty if i don't cycle..

i was driving to the dr.. knowing he would comment on how i had lost more weight.. so i wore my 5 lbs platforms.. and i held my purse while i was on the scale.. "you lost another six pounds".. but at the same time.. i was planning.. and dreaming.. and scheming because i knew i had to eat something for lunch because people would be watching.. part of me glad.. glad i had an excuse to eat.. part of me pissed off because i had to injest more food.. i dont throw up anymore.. stopped that in 8th grade.. ruined my voice.. but i know i can live on v8, sobe, and other liquids.. 5 liters of water a day.. and a fuck load of vitimins.. a few people know.. its not a big secret.. but im healthy.. my blood tests are normal.. so maybe i am wrong feeling guilty.. i keep myself healthy.. watch my levels and my blood pressure.. i excercise.. bleh back to watching my movie with beautiful people..
I find myself the owner of many bags of lentils, partly due to brain cramp (Hey, we're out of lentils! BZZZT!) and coals-to-Newcastle kindnesses (Hey, you're the vegetarian. Take these off of my hands! - I'm actually a part-time carnivore now)

...I grabbed one of the half-full bags (of lentils) and made a pot; I also made a ton of mayonnaise, in order to get rid of some eggs. I combined the two, adding various spices. Tastes good. Must figure out ways to get rid of it. Obviously a mayo-substitute; it can also be a dip, once I get something to dip into it; combined with cream cheese, it can be a burger topping...

Hier | Demain

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