In my pursuit of therapy (which I am approaching with writing as an outlet), I have discovered and decided that adressing the issue of my relationship with Sara will undeniably be required at some points. As such, I decided to take the "sooner rather than later" approach, and my pencil hit paper for a solid forty-five minutes against my new writing notebook.

From nearly every perspective, our relationship looked great. It was great. We complimented each other at every turn. We were both coders, poets, writers, and general geeks. We were probably good for each other, and to my knowledge, we were both faithful until the last few weeks or months of the relationship. Most of all, we were happy when we were together. But there is a qualifier in that statement. A damn important one that I missed for most of eighteen months, "when we were together." When we were, we had each other's full attention. We laughed together and enjoyed most everything about being there. Once we approached sex, we physically hungered for each other. We completely honestly rarely argued, and in the entire course of the relationship only had two or three real fights. I honestly believe both of us were happy.

When we were apart, I was slowly growing more and more disgusted with the relationship, due mostly to figuring out exactly where I would rather be. It was a very slow process; it took me most of a year to even figure out what I felt so rotten about, and a lot longer than that to realize that I couldn't ignore it.

Because of that girl, I didn't want my relationship anymore, despite the fact that it was good, calm, and fun. I wanted to be somewhere else, with someone else. I wanted to be with someone that I could live the kind of life my parents told my teenage self wasn't worth the time with. Unfortunately for me and Sara, I was too underconfident and shy to act on those feelings for ages. When I finally did act, all I could manage was destroying everything that Sara and I had. Nothing happened or has happened between me and Lily since. Nothing.

So, I find myself left trying to decide whether ever entering this relationship in the first place was a healthy decision. I gained many life experiences from it: I lost my virginity, remembered how to write, and proved to myself that I can remember what it means to be intimate(not necessarily in a physical way). However, I also caused both of us a great deal of pain and, as harsh as this may sound, I wasted a good relationship on someone I didn't have feelings for as strongly as for the other girl I was interested in. The other two girls I was interested in, because (insert respective deity here) knows that I was lying every time I told her I wasn't settling for her instead of chasing Becca.

Perhaps it both was healthy and wasn't. Hell if I know, I just thank (respective deity) that it's over.

entry for 9/13/10
2:36 am
Leaning back against the wall, can feel the pounding of my heart vibrating the drywall. Feeling painfully apathetic, unaccomplished; what is there to do here where everything already seems perfect? Nothing to explore, nowhere to see. Miss the ugly concrete, ugly decay, ugly people. Miss anything and everything ugly. Can feel myself getting healthier, looking better. Trying to fight it. I go for junk food binges and take my drugs in the middle of the night to induce insomnia. Doesn’t help. Catch myself sleeping during the day, compensating, growing better despite myself.

Goddamn romance. Meet nice girls but miss my old girl, miss her problems, her flaws, doubts. Leaves me feeling more and more hollow, as though filth was the only substance I had. Soul scraped clean, mind unencumbered. I should like this. I should be happy. I’m glad to be away from home. But was home ever home? Was home really the streets of Queens, where sullen faced passerby made a skill of ignoring each other and hustlers hawked their wares through strip mall shops that were perpetually going out of business. The mainstreet here has restaurants, a coffee shop, some clothing outlets. Everything is stable. No one here claims to sell 100% human hair.

I think what kills me is that these people have always been happy. They never had to breathe polluted air, walk through a nasty part of town, take the 3:00 am bus home with a violently ill immigrant. I’m sure they have seen difficulties, but difficulties have never been their lives. Their lives have been comfortable, upper-middle class affairs without money worries. 55 guitars! That’s how many my friend’s dad has sitting in his basement, collecting dust. He bought them “on a whim”. These are the kind of people I’m surrounding myself with. Not sure what to do with them.

Sure I’ll find something.

i had a dream. it was totally chilling and violent but i would say it was a happy dream and not a nightmare. it was incredibly chilling.

in my dream i was at a BBQ at that jackass Dave Howells parents house which of course is like one of the nicest houses in town because they are super rich. this was before Dave Howell became a necromancer i think because in the dream his hair was cut short and not back in a ponytail like it is now which he thinks makes him look mysterious and wise or some shit but really just makes him look like the guy from Highlander (the TV show not the movie) only a little bit fatter and more diabetic. so anyways everyone is either eating hot dogs off the grill or playing in the swimming pool and their all like "adramalech show us how to do a flip correctly" and i say "i cannot right now my child because i am still in my BATTLE CLOAK." and its true too, everyone is wearing a bathing suit except me because im wearing my cloak. in particular this blonde girl with an awesome rack is looking at me like she really really wants to see my defensive evasion techniques (the flip specifically) but i have bigger things to attend to so i give her a look like "baby just wait".

im holding my staff. and Dave Howell is in the pool in the deep end and he has water in his eyes and hes trying to wipe the water out while he dog paddles like a child and i say "DAVE HOWELL" in a booming voice. "NOW YOU MEET YOUR END." then i cast a powerful conjuring spell and suddenly the pool is full of BULL SHARKS and TIGER SHARKS.

in the dream i chose those two types of sharks because bull sharks can survive in freshwater for long periods of time and tiger sharks are very famous for being aggressive. if i choose nurse sharks or something then the spell would just create a bunch of sharks that would sit at the bottom of the pool looking for crabs, die, then float on the top. the point is that even in my dreams i am very good at strategy and tactics due to my NECROMANCY TRAINING REGIMENT.

a bunch of people are in the water. i help the blonde girl out and she is grabbing on to me because shes so scared and the sharks are going crazy in a BLOOD FRENZY that i have caused them to go into with my spell. Dave Howell gets eaten in like one second because he can hardly defend himself and i laugh at how weak an opponent he turned out to be. then everyone is upset because Daves best friend Trey gets wiped out too and he was pretty cool. (eaten by sharks.) then some guy that is trying to be a hero dives into the pool to fight the sharks and he dies too. he dies of shark bites.

then, as the prophecys foretold, i throw my head back and i sing the demon song that ends the world.

i wake up.

i take this dream as a sign that i will overcome the challenges i face today. at first i decided to take it more literally by doing two things:

#1: i did some research to find out if anyone had come up with any good shark conjuring spells but they hadnt. this one guy in iowa is working on one but he can only get the spirits of dead sharks to haunt a location, not actual sharks to come. i still think even if you did it on land and the shark just thrashed around on the grass it would still be pretty fucking scary.

#2: i checked facebook to see if Dave Howell had made facebook event invitations for a BBQ in the near future. he had not.

for a second i thought about making my own BBQ to trap him at so i bought a keg of MILLER HIGH LIFE (i wont drink it because my BODY IS MY TEMPLE but i want other people to be able to enjoy) and a bunch of kickass meat. then i was gonna invite Dave Howell to the BBQ so i could smite him in front of everyone perhaps by placing a HEX OF DECAY upon him. but then i was like wait screw that i hate Dave Howell and i dont want him at my BBQ so i didnt invite him. anyways the BBQ is on Saturday starting around 1:00 PM so if your in Valdosta, Georgia you can come by if you think your bad enough to roll with this (your not).

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