Writers Wanted

If you're reading this you're probably some kind of writer, right? Write. Clearly I'm some kind of writer too - look, writing! see? - but I'm looking for writers who can do fiction, because it's one thing I just haven't quite managed since my school days. I don't know why, but even my poems are non-fiction. Such is life.

You may be asking yourself: Why does Oolong want writers? Well, because I've been making these little creatures (out of Fimo and Sculpey, and occasionally clay), and I always wonder what their stories are. I'm sure they must have stories, but just because I made them, doesn't mean I know what they might be. So I'm looking for people to fill me in. Where did they come from? Where are they going? What are they so riled about?

I'm after stories of any length, from flash fiction up to epic, and any style you like - as long as they read like they could possibly be about small animals. I'm thinking that when I sell these fellas (for sell them I must) I might provide a little printout of a story along with them. I also harbour fantasies of making photo stories, books and animated films, hence the flexibility regarding length. You are very welcome to submit any story you write to E2, as you are always welcome to submit your stories to E2; but don't feel obliged, if you don't think they fit.

If you would like to know who the stories ought to be about, mosey on over to http://oolong.co.uk/colmod.htm to visit your source material. Oh - or if gangster stories are your thing, I'd love to hear some stories about the Bunny Mob. If you require any characters that you think should be there but aren't, I can always make them.

I probably can't offer much besides credit to any writers, but I'm willing to talk.

Any takers?

She called me last night, seething, swearing, and promising a slow death by a rather creative, though painful, dental procedure. The private photos that she had sent me were sent back to her by someone saying that I had forwarded them to him to check out and that he should be the one receiving future pictures because she was "HOT! HOT! HOT!" and that "JC is cool and all, but he isn't all there, if you know what I mean."

This disturbs me deeply because I know I did not and would not send her photos to anyone else, which leads me to believe this person has been hacking my email account and going through it to see what he can see, or has been hacking her account and intercepting files she has been sending.

She forwarded me his address and name, and I wrote him, in an attempt to figure out what his malfunction is, and what I can do to insure that this kind of harassment does not continue.



Mon, 12 Sep 2005 20:55:00 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Tyler Durden
To: XXXXXXXXXXXX@yahoo.com



"Ben",

I don't know for sure what is driving you to do what you are doing (although I do have a theory which will come later), nor do I care. I only wish that you would stop pretending that you know who I am and futhermore that I know who you are and would send you anything personal.

You obviously have some hacker phreaker trick that enables you to snag other people's mail. I don't know if you are snagging mine from my inbox, or her's from her outbox, but it is rather un-nerving not to mention dishonest.

Furthermore, you have proven that you do not know me, by refering to me as JC in your reply to Kristin. Nobody has ever called me JC, nobody ever, not even once in my life.

I am sure you have some story prepared to describe how you met me, how we are close friends, how often we talk, how many times we have done something like this before, and how many times we will do it again.

Save your breath.

I know that you delight in our inability to respond with whatever would smash you and your freaky internet hacker tricks.

I would like to know how you happened to pick Kristin and me out of hundreds of thousands of people to fuck around with, and then I would like to know when you are going to stop.

I do have a theory (I mentioned this earlier) that I would like you to disprove. The theory is based on my presumption that the following statements are true:



1. You are not physically attractive

2. You are not physically fit and detest confrontation

3. You spend most of your time with your computer

4. You feel like the world doesn't like you because of your unattractive physical appearance
(which is not your fault, just your genetics) so you have become secluded with your work and now lash out at the world that has refused you with your new found power



The theory is that you can not find a female that will take interest in you (but that is not your fault either) so you pick people's names at random looking for any sign of something that you feel that you are being deprived of unjustly. A couple of people sending photos back and forth, private emails and the such, make a perfect target for you to wriggle in like a virus and put yourself in the middle, in a spot to turn one of them against the other and to make yourself appear to be the hero. You have contacted Kristin asking for more photos, but you have not sent me any email because confrontation is not your style, but it is something you like to fantasize- beating up the jocks that put you down in high school, stealing the foxy cheerleader from that big oaf right in front of him while he is powerless to do anything about it, and then being recognized for how powerful you are.

Of course you have never done anything of the sort outside the realm of the internet or RPG chatrooms because you know that you would not last long in a physical engagement, you seeth with hatred over this fact of life and curse the universe and every smiling face for making you like this...

Enter "Ben the Hacker" - your own personal Tyler Durden. You can be who you want to be, do what you want to do, you have the key to the inner workings of the internet (or maybe just Yahoo, but we'll stoke your ego and say internet) and you are going to destroy those things that you think shouldn't exist.

End of theory.

Stop doing what you are doing and disprove my theory. Make me see the light, that you are just misunderstood. Show me that you are not every bit of every word I have just typed, and apologize to Kristin for freaking her out.


-the guy whose email you have been hacking




I changed my email address in hopes that doing so would bring an end to this problem, but the damage has been done and she suspects that I have betrayed her because of this asshole's interference.

I really wish there was something more I could do to stop this sort of thing from happening, it is very frustrating.

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