I am currently writing an essay for English. But you see I have a problem: I don't want to write an essay for English. The entirety of this writeup is most likely longer than what I've written for the essay so far. It's possible that playing Chrono Cross is slowing me down. It's due tomorrow, but screw it, I have time.

Today I also got very mad. It just so happens that today is my first day in level 5, but guess what, the powers that be just made it TODAY so that each level gets one less cool. Not cool. But they also added the ability to see who made nodeshells, so I guess that makes up for it.

Another thing I did today was right up a lab report. I didn't do it any old way though; I did it in LaTeX. That's right LaTeX. I love LaTeX, but it's a pain to learn. A pain in the head -- a headache. That's what LaTeX gave me, a headache. Headaches suck. It was my first time using LaTeX to do such a task. I was trying to writing an absolute error equation. It doesn't seem difficult, but it is. And it gets harder when you're trying to put fractions within fractions as I was trying to do. I ended up giving up. I just worded it out.

Today I also went shopping, my favorite store was having a sale and I had 75 bucks worth of coupons. Now tommorrow I get to show off my new threads.

I also chatted in #everything for a while. I was learning to use cowbotneal. He's one useful fellow. #everything is great. There are a lot of very knowledgeable people there. When you ask a question, most any question, it gets answered. Yee-haw!

Well, I'll leave dudes and dudettes. Until tomorrow.

pealco

I just had a long, tedious talk with my boyfriend via cell phone. As I stated in my previous daylog (September 10, 2000), he and I have been having some pretty complicated problems. I came to see him at college for the weekend, and he ignored me. I asked if we could go out to dinner and then to an apartment party somewhere on Brown Street, but he decided to smoke pot with his band instead. After half an hour or so, he wasn't fit to do anything other than stare at a wall. Then he cried all night. I almost did too, but somehow managed to hold the tears in. So I drank some red Kool-Aid and Bacardi with SoberSephiroth while playing Rush2 on N64. That was the highlight of my weekend.

Back to the phone conversation. I talked Aaron into looking for a job starting tomorrow, and to seek psychological counseling for his obvious depression. He cried some more, I felt bad for being so harsh, but in the end it was all good. I said what he needed to hear. Now we are back to the constant "I love you" phase which has been aparent for about a year now. He's so cute. I only hope it can last this time.

The words are too slow, or maybe my thoughts are too fast. Or maybe it's just to beautiful, too awe inspiring, the way the pen leaves it's mark on the paper, the way the letters form, the long flowing lines, all their twists and knots and squiggles. Yes, only I can ever decipher their message in this form, you all need a more traditional typeset, but I'm certain you lose something. Don't worry, it's nothing great, at least not something worth sacrificing readability over, but there is something there. A piece of me that you're missing.

At least you get my thoughts, these strange constructs of the neural orgy festering in my brain. Yeah, they're all up there (my neurons and stuff) doing their little thing, dancing away, spewing out the words I'm putting down on paper. This is what's important, the message I'm sending you. I guess the process by which the thoughts are made tangible (even though they're not) would only excite you if you loved me, if you were so absolutely enchanted with me that watching me do the thing I love would deeply fascinate you.

It is important to me, you know? This is the only way I know how to live. To express myself in whatever way I need. Now it's through words, something which came about out of necessity. I needed a way to tell a beautiful girl that I loved her, but she wouldn't believe me when I told her so. I learned to take the gooey stuff of my thoughts and mix it up with these word thingies and create something beautiful. The uttered words did not sway her, but the written words, they caused a stirring in her heart the likes of which she hadn't ever know.

Do you still linger over those heartfelt letters? Do they still move you?

Things are never placid in the water. Even as the calm, rythmic bobbing lulls you to sleep, currents flow, plates shift, and the earth shakes, churning the sea, adding energy beneath the surface. And though it flows through you and carries you, it can wipe you out with a simple twitch or scratch.

So as I look over these waters and take note of the stability and peace thriving on its surface, I wonder what wars, what disasters lie beneath.

I remember the land, firm yet crumbling below my aching feet. Solids are an illusion, absolutes a myth. I was born of the land, but starving runts aren't strong enough to push their way to the mother's breast. The land practices natural selection. No place for a runt.

I remember the air, fluid and free. I stood upon my bridge with resolve and dreams and confidence, until the night the storm hit... it was the end of me...

The storm... the hurricane... whatever happened to it? The moment the water embraced me, the deluge seemed to disappear, evaporating into the night sky. But what has happened since that moment? Nothing! I can't remember a thing! Are my memories a dream, or is my continuing life? Is existence full, significance and meaning permeating every second? Or is it empty, calm, monolithic, static?

In every direction, the water sits, majestic and all-powerful, assimilating the dead and holding up the living. How could the world be any different? Heaven's a prison, and I think I like it that way. But with a tormented call, the gull in the sky tells me land is near, and the fear in its eyes tells me this is only the eye of the storm. I must prepare.

Damn, it feels good to be a lazy slob.

Yup, that's me this weekend. I can't get motivated to do much of anything. I wrote nodes and I watched some TV. I went out to dinner with my mother. I ate some food. I put a shitload of stuff on eBay, and that's good. I could use the money right now.

Tomorrow I have my physical for the new job. Once that is over, then I will be on my way to actually working instead of just thinking about it. I've kind of enjoyed being unemployed, except for the being broke part. Its nice having the whole day to yourself to do whatever you damn well please. I could get used to this. I need to win the lotto.

Laundry needs to be done this week. That, and I need some yogurt. I also hope that this echoing effect in my ears goes away instead of developing into a sinus infection. Ugh.

I still miss him.

Alex comes home from California tomorrow, which is good. He keeps me motivated instead of being a slob. I miss him. I'll go over to his house and see him, and we'll probably just sit and snuggle for a while.

Talked with the ex I had the sex dream about for a while tonight on ICQ. He's so cool, and every time I talk to him I remember why I fell for him, and I remember why it didn't work. He's a great guy, and I really hope he can find a girl who will appreciate him. I told him about the sex dream, and he flat out asked me if he came to town and tried to seduce me if it would work. I told him no, it wouldn't work unless he drugged me. He was cool with that. And, it says a lot about my powers of self control I guess. I don't know. I have problems with my guilt over past events sometimes. I still feel huge amounts of guilt for what happened with my ex-fiance 6 years ago. I keep hoping and praying that I won't give in to my hormones on a whim because its not worth it to screw around on someone. I just really, really love my boyfriend and firmly believe that he and I will probably be together for a really long time, if not forever. I don't want to ruin something that good for a single night. It isn't worth it, and I respect my boyfriend too much to do that to him.

Ugh, I don't know why I'm writing about this. I think I'm just really tired right now since its almost 2am here and my brain is full of memories. Sometimes that happens when you write late at night - memories and all kinds of stuff flow out of you and you can't stop it. The grey weather here also makes me melancholy, and I start wondering if I can be strong enough to keep a mature relationship working, or if I'm going to be stupid and fuck it all up like I have in the past. I also start wondering if I'll ever amount to anything, or if I'm doomed to float on a sea of debt for the next 10 years while not getting anywhere.

OK, I'm going to bed.

Nodes That I Wrote Recently:
Currently in the process of reviewing various CD's in my collection and noding them if they have not been noded already. Considering movie reviews as well after a positive response to The House Of Yes. Also thinking of writing about things in Portland and the surrounding area that I like doing or going to.
Disintegration
tonight and the rest of my life
Interstate 5 Bridge
digipak
Requested some nukes today as well. It was for the greater good, really.

You should read the The Great Grand E2 Book Lotto node.

CD’s I’ve Listened To Today:
The Wallflowers - Bringing Down The Horse
DJ Icey - Essential Mix
Nina Gordon - Tonight and the Rest of My Life
The Cure - Disintegration
Chopin - various piano works

Today’s Horoscope on my Calendar (Aries) - Don't keep a loved one guessing about your intentions. Be open about romantic feelings as Venus charms Juno. All the arts come alive and you can be the center of attention. Tinker with electronics and high-tech gizmos tonight.

Another day

Today the cat's away. He won't be living with me for a couple of years. I wonder if he'll remember me. I have a feeling he knew about this, even though nobody told him about it. His eyes told me so.

15:40

Nothing extraordinary, I spent the weekend in Kuhmo again...

Last night, I... umm...

Today, we had some interesting OO stuff.

"Mother is a human; Father is a man..."

- the lecturer's child, deriving subclasses happily =)

18:42

Read the newest issue of Pelit magazine (another Read and Play™ session, and article about the Hell's Angels-like background of the FPS clans! =)

Zany Videogame Quotes site (http://macross.simplenet.com/zanyvg/) was mentioned in the mag's "links" page. I wonder someone in Pelit follows Memepool? =)

19:33

Welllllll... heard of Steel Panthers: Worlds at War, but it's a bit too huge to be downloaded (even if there are mirrors in Finland!) I hope it's on a cover CD somewhere, or something...

21:30

Played Half-Life again. Tried playing MW3 online but Internet Gaming Zone had forgotten me. "Old 'pal', why have you stopped mailing me?" I played Warcraft II there when the IGZ was young; now, after all these years, it had just... forgotten me. =( I created a new user account, and had to spent Too Long Time downloading a patch...

...these modern games require everyone to patch, Warcraft 2 didn't need such fuss...

00:30

Another depressing night.

Just... met buddies and some Newbies That Had Started To Annoy Me (such newbies are quite rare =), but ***sigh*** the single person I did really, really care of to meet today didn't even bother to say hi. =(

Baaaad night... =(


Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today and yesterday by y.t.: Oikeutta Eläimille Ryssän Kauhu PETSCII Kuhmo GNU Recode appletviewer furry lifestyler CLOS

tired. i wanted to sleep in but i had to take my brother-in-law to work today while his car is in the shop. on the way to my job, there was a car blocking the road with it's right turn signal on, but refusing to actually turn. the way was perfectly clear and there were more cars behind me so I felt it absolutely necessary to lay on the horn. he still wouldn't move. so i screeched around him (probably not the coolest idea since i was in front of the cop station). having just expressed a modicum of road rage and feeling the high from assholery, i continued to drive like an asshole. on the final stretch to my office, i drove as fast as i could. i had images of my boyfriends new RC car in my head... seeing it take corners sideways, doing 360s, stopping on a dime. i knew i was pretty fast, but i did it anyway.

vrooom!

how glorious it was. i put down the brake and started to turn left. as the car turned, i began to slide and the wheels made a perfect dukes of hazzard screech. the back end fishtailed a bit, but all in all i took the corner perfectly. any faster and i would have wound up with my passenger side door embedded in the sign at the corner or maybe i would have rolled when my the wheels on the passenger side hit the curb. but i didn't. people stared. i felt like i just won a race.

oh. my man's gunna have my hide for this one, but all i can say is that i had a total awareness of my car and what it was going to do. everything happened as i thought it would and it was really quite fun. i am ready for monday.

nighttime

ghastly news. the man is going away for three weeks. can't come home on weekends. i am devastated. the thought of weekends without him leaves me feeling very lonely. the 23rd - 26th i'm going to visit my mother. three weeks. at least. ouch. sleeping alone sucks. i think i'll have some wine and mope.

later nighttime

go see the phallic peach.

  • http://www.slack.net/~ophie/images/phallic_peach.jpg
  • http://www.slack.net/~ophie/images/phallic_peach2.jpg

stuff noded today

Now that I've called in sick it's turned into a rather lazy, crazy long weekend. Had the house to myself while my parents are away and been having friends over so haven't left the house hardly at all until last night when I went out for dinner with a couple of friends...and that was when the guy from Friday called! He left a nervous-sounding message, didn't quite pronounce my name right, and lives quite far away from me. I have to stop trying to convince myself that this isn't an okay thing to do. I drink coffee anyway, might as well as him if he'd like to drink some with me some time. I still like his voice but I didn't catch his name - Scott, Sal, Al? oh dear...

Now I have to clean this place up before the folks get home. Sometimes I feel like a teenager living here.


Always tell beauty it's intelligent, and intelligence that it's beautiful.
Casanova

I think I'd be more than safe in saying it was you that just attempted contact with me.. I'm too used to the single ring, of the "call me at work if you're around" sort. Needing reassurance, maybe, that I've not forgotten you, that I am still.. alive, perhaps. I won't be returning the call.. I am beyond such stuff, especially spending money on you that I don't even have to spend. For some reason, though, I decided to respond here.. perhaps it's just part of letting go. I have, of course.. I just don't understand why you insist on dragging it on, pretending there is something there. I don't need you to care about me, anymore..

I am in love with the day, in all its confusion and turmoil, in all of the noise that sounds perfect in the way it blends with my soft, quiet music, as opposed to being annoying as it might usually, I am embracing.. everything. I guess that I don't know why, exactly or if it will last, why I don't care that an odd air fills my lungs and the sky is less than clear, blue.. the sun is so bright, periodically.

Shiny baby dolphins, I keep thinking of little baby dolphins, small enough to fit in the palm of a hand, small enough to feel like they've a whole universe to explore when occupying only minimal amounts of space with their sweet sweet matter. Spitting bits of water, tiny bubbles rising from teency airholes on endearing little noggins. Thank you for that thought, it was you who put it into my head at first and it may seem like I'm dwelling but I've not loved a single thought'y creation so much, not since the baby lambs wrapped in soft, warm burrito shells, munching on lettuce.

I've avoided daylogs and.. I probably will again, for a while.. I don't particularly like to add to them anymore, for some reason, I've started a journal elsewhere with random thoughts and day happenings. I think it is best, anyway, that I not pour the utter craziness that has been floating in my head these last weeks into e2. It all seems so negative and pointless now, as I sit and smile, almost drowsily (though I'm quite awake)..

I love you more than words, more than trees.. you.. I'm so enamoured with everything that is you, and the way you make me feel. It's too intense, and even though most times my words suffice, they just can't seem to now, when I want them to the most. Still.. it makes me smile that you can do that to me.. take my words.. words, words.. can't wait to be close to you again. Sometimes I think perhaps my eyes could show you with tears or.. a certain sort of intent stare.

Everything is so comforting today.. the warm, cool air.. voices, even loud angry voices.. paper, letters, words, life.. today is just a day to be, for no other reason than to take in the universe.

These three girls spent a good part of last night and early this morning in our room. Not that this is a bad thing. I wanted to take a picture to prove that at one point I had three beautiful women laying on my bed at the same time. We had a good time talking and just wasting the night away. But that was yesterday and only slightly past midnight when they left. I woke up late this morning. I didn’t get out of bed until like almost 8:30 very late for me . I start work this morning on all the homework I put of doing this weekend. I got stuck on this one math problem. I just couldn’t figure it out. I went and worked out with a friend at the rec center. I came back and did the problem in one shot. It seems that going away from a problem for a while is a good thing. As for tonight I plan to work on my game I write computer games as a hobby.

As this is my first daylog in long damn time perhaps an update is in order. I'm still working in Peoria at a software house, and I'm still the odd LANMAN out in a world of programmers.

My first roommate in has already skipped town. He couldn't stand Peoria after a month and a half. I can't hardly blame him, but he still a bitch for leaving so soon. On the upside my l'il brother moved in so, it's all good.

Currently I'm working on two projects:
First, at work I'm migrating every service I can think of from Windows NT to Linux. I've /almost/ got them convinced to move the Lotus Notes server over. Hell we run the big one on an AS/400, so it's not like they are tied to Windows. I already switched the DHCP, DNS, firewall, and VPN servers over, but mail, web, and ftp run off this stupid Notes box. My god it's an awful environment. Why can't Lotus get some software patents so noone can ever the mistakes they made again.

Second: On the personal front, I'm teaching my brother the CCNA class that I taught in high school last year. He's fresh out of prison (note to self: don't deal drugs), and he needs some work. He's gonna have to go scrub dishes or some shit for a while, but he's smart (not smart enough not to get caught though). He'll find something.

In the interim, I've been seen on #everything on IRC. Not a bad scene to be seen in. General shouts to hamsty, hardcorekitty, and Eraser_

Oh that reminds me, in response to my I have the most interesting breasts on everything2 writeup, Eraser_ emailed me a pic of his chest (mcsey@usa.net). Mine are more interesting, but it's good to see someone taking a shot at the crown so to speak. Thanks for the laugh E:) Aw'ight works over -- I'm out.

yesterday/tomarrow

My last day log

Wow. It's been awhile since I've been on here, thanks to moving out, no home internet access, and being too poor to use public access computers too much. Yah, I know... you can get free internet access... but I don't really want it. Although I really enjoy this site it's a hell of a time waster for me, and I don't have that luxury anymore because I just started school.

I am too brain-fried to write anything but a daylog today. Forgive me. It's been awhile since I've noded anything and I want to contribute. So don't vote on this, it's a waste of your votes.

I had something funny happen to me on the bus today. I was rushing to class - a noon hour lecture - and was late already. I was sitting near the back of the bus, listening to my walkman loud enough so that I couldn't hear much else.

About halfway through the ride, this giant black guy got up from his seat at the back of the bus, came up to me and stuck his middle finger in my face, and with an angry glare told me loudly to Fuck off. He may have said something else, but I couldn't hear it because of the walkman. Then he went back to his seat and sat down.

I sort of sat there stupidly, shaken up. I couldn't figure out what to do. I don't know what I did to offend the guy - I hadn't even made eye contact with him or seen him before he came up to me. I was dressed pretty... well, non-offensive, and he couldn't have heard my walkman from where he was sitting. Anyway, I didn't know whether to change seats, get off the bus, or stay where I was. I didn't want to be any later for my class, but I also didn't feel particularly safe anymore. It was a crowded bus in the middle of the day - the people around me sort of stared at him and me and kept quiet. I sat quietly in my seat until my stop and left the bus quickly. In retrospect, I wish I had gotten off immediately, because I could have somehow pissed him off further. Horrible things happen sometimes that you can't predict, but I should have trusted my fear and left.

can't sleep. loaded with caffeine. looks like this'll be another all-nighter, something which has been happening too often lately. my intake of sugary carbonated beverages was supposed to have been limited recently. i've went two whole days without a coke. and look where it left me. depressed as fuck.

the situation was remedied by having several 24 can party packs stashed away here and there. now i am happy. and will be for a few days at least. five cans a day keeps the depressing realisations of utter futility away. i'm not addicted to the caffeine. i'm just scared of what would happen if my system was not saturated with it.

i don't want to go to sleep. symptoms of chronic sleep deprivation are something i have come to depend upon. most notably the disconnection with reality which is evident when stumbling through the day in an almost unconscious daze. i don't want to wake up. when i do it'll be another day and another opportunity to screw up.

my downward spiral into oblivion would be peachy if it weren't for those damned meddling kids. no wait, i mean the insidious contagion that is hope. it has turned my comfortable freefall towards nothingness into a rollercoaster ride from hell. not that such a amusement attraction is without merit but i'm just not in the mood. and i can't imagine that i'll ever be. not in this lifetime.

Don't stop. You can sleep when you're dead. i think that i will...

12 August 2000 (10AM previous day-10AM today) ADST

Ahh! There is nothing quite as nice as sitting on a couch with a laptop in Sydney.

Mum wants to go somewhere, but I'm happy just sitting here, learning Everything. I have written 2 writeups, my first ever at Cybertown and If Operating Systems were.... My XPs have been disapearing and reapearing, probably this 'death borg' that everyone keeps talking about.

[Mum thinks we should walk over to Paddington and have a hot chocolate. I'm not too opposed to this idea, so I think I'll give it a go.

You see, normaly I live in the Snowy Mountains but it is the school holidays and I am staying up in Sydney with my Mum, sister and Aunt. My Aunt happens to be the Coolest Person in the World and she has one of the coolest laptops.

uff.
i don't know what to do! stand, sit, do the stinky dishes.. dance to Tom Waits like an animal.

things. spinning.. rounding.. pounding, Excedrin Migraine is my friend! but it makes me feel faint.. which sometimes is a relief. boom.. everything turns yellow and i meet the floor. sweet, nothing.. blank conciousness. heaven. respite. sleep?

can't concentrate. health insurance gone. no medication.

but i got my chocolate jesus and my book on enlightenment.. with several mints and a T1-85, i think i can take over the world, but i don't have the strength inside to scream.

i'd give $10 for a backrub right now, but don't trust anyone enough to let them touch me.

why am i telling you this? BECAUSE I DON'T CARE IF YOU KNOW! haha
just forget the 'friends' who took your shoes and filled your life with great pain that was un-necessary but required anyway.. and everything will be ok.

We're Alive!

whether that is good or not, is up to us i guess..

right?

I'm at work right now, about to go home. Listening to Faithless, God I love them.

I'm exhausted. I'm still on east-coast time after coming back from New York. It was my first trip -- wonderful.

The sky is very interesting right now. It's just past sunset, just before dark, and the sky is mostly white -- due to lack of smog, how interesting, with light orange-yellow creeping up from the ground. The trees and light posts outside of my window are all black silhouettes.

By the time I get home it will be dark. I miss daylight.

Good night.
My Birthday! Officially I am now 22.

At midnight, I was in a cab heading to a nice little Broadway caberet somewhere in the Village. I mocked some girl's version of "On My Own", and drank an awful lot. I also realized I have trouble meeting men in gay bars. Around 4am, rogerb, Paul, and I schelepped back to our hotel.

Around 4pm, I got a call from yossarian. He gave me the infos on dinner. I showered, and changed. I had plans to meet a few friends for drinks before dinner. They were late. They made me late. Mario Cuomo was sitting next to me at the bar in my hotel.

Dennis (one of the people who made me late), took the cab with me to dinner. I met snazzy cool noders there. We went to the World Trade Center, to go to Windows on the World, unfortunately not everyone made dress code. We then trekked to a dive bar. I drank way too much.

After this, about midnight someone decided LSD might be fun. I agreed.
A couple months back I became homeless. I was living at adoxograph's house for about a week and a half. It was an ok time for me really. I was bouncing all over, suburbs to city to suburbs. I was awaiting the drawing up of my lease for my new apartment and the beginning of the summer semester at my shitty school. It was a good experience, being homeless. I learned a lot about adoxograph, beer, and math. I was reentered into my age-old psychotic interest in books. I was slightly changed in a manner that served as a correction in the rebuilding of myself after the Summer of 1999. Below is the note that I made when I realized that I had lost interest in Everything (for an undetermined time). It is slightly edited from the original, but I assure you it is as carefully worded (although it may not seem so) as the original.

Well, it seems I'm taking something of an Everything Vacation. Permanent or not, I don't know. But dammit, you know, motherfucker. So much bullshit, and you know. Fuck (See also: This is my 666th node, coming at you straight from the fiery depths of Hell). You know, when I came to Everything, it was...argh. I loved this place so much and now, -sigh-. Anyways, after a week of homelessness and a month of moving, and a situation preventing me from having Internet access at all (fucking cable company whores), and an seemingly endless job search, and hours and hours of bookstore sitting, and almost a bit too much time at Usagi, blind_monkey, and adoxograph's houses, I don't really feel like much of anything. I'm sure you can understand. So now I just search for a job to pay for the phone, the electric, the gas, the ghost Internet access.

This is me normally.

This is me lately.

So, at this time I don't say "I shall node again no more forever," but instead I'll just say I'm taking a break, like my little buddy flamingweasel, who inspired me to make this note of excuse.

Thanks for listening...



I got a job. After that, my world brightened up quite a bit, especially with the ending of the summer semester. Soon after I got the job, I started noticing myself becoming interested in the fine art of conversation, much like I had been years ago. I don't think I can really emphasize here the magnitude of such a thing and its effects on my life.

My interest in conversation spawned my new obsession and art project, which I am regretfully not at liberty to discuss right now. The renewed interest also revived some of my lacking social skills (if they can even be called skills), allowing me to once again talk to someone interestingly, and not really need anything to say while doing so.

And what else? It made me like Everything once again. I dropped my interest in the Voting/Experience System for real. I started really dropping my head into the nodes I was once again making. I like this place again, and I couldn't give two shits that I have 300 more writeups every day (because my nodes are being syphoned away as I sleep) to Level 9. I feel some kind of purpose to this site again, and I know now that Everything is what you make of it. Seriously. It sounds stupid, but it's true.

Why do I node this note? I'm taking it off my home node. I'm writing again. I feel a bit re-energized, stupid as it may sound. Hell, I even made a new home node picture this week. So WHY WHY WHY!!!!!?

I'm back.

You have been warned.
Let the sarcasm live again.

I want to leave Pittsburgh. I want to get on a bus or better yet a train and go out west where it’s clear and bright. I'm sick of the fact that every day I seem the same buildings and same people. There's nothing wrong with these buildings or people but I yearn for change: the new. Everything has come too seem predictable and therefore dead.

While writing that last paragraph I thought of my entry to my paper journal from my freshmen year when I first came here . . . let me see if I can find it.
Oh it's not a proper entry it's poetry . . Figures. It'll still make my point though.

---

August 21, 1997

when open windows lose their panes
fly drawing light across the floor
shatter in and out and in
portals sockets open doors
glory! glory! glory! I'll shout then
for all that's ever out or in
is set to be just this or that
and not a part of all that is
and was and will forevermore
shake the glass!
break the wall!
down with boundaries
up with all

---

Where has that joy gone? Sure, it was rather undirected, but my poetry and voice in general is more quiet now: less driven. What has happened to me? Old and dead so soon?

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