In yr 12, everybody turns 18. Well, except those that are already 18. Or those that won't turn 18 until the February or March the next year.

I've been invited to five 18th birthday celebrations. I have only been to one. I have only been able to go to one. Today I have put up with the agonising and painful post-mortem of the one on Saturday night. I was working that night and decided not to take it off.

Why did I decide not to take it off? Because I thought that it would all be teenagers with too much booze and crappy music. Plus, I wouldn't have been able to drink. The legal drinking age is 18, and out in public, I'm considered a minor. Painfully, I am five months away from turning 18 myself.

Why am I feeling like shit today? Because people had fun there.

I've realised that I'm not afraid to knock back a party, but I am afraid to hear about it on the Monday.

I'm a coward.

Day Three

Strattera, Day Four, Five, Six:

On Saturday I went up to 80mg, since I was only supposed to do the 40 samples once a day for four days. Instead of opening my prescription bottle, though, I just took two of the 40 samples (might as well use them). I still have one left I'll keep for an emergency.

The heartburn came back and was as bad as the first day on 40. I guess that was to be expected. I didn't notice any mental effects that day.

On the second day, actually taking one of my 80mg pills, the heartburn was a bitch; it was worse than the day before but, however, didn't seem to last as long. I do believe I experienced some interesting mental effects finally...

First of all, there's something you have to understand about me. It's something I'm not totally aware of all of the time but I've been told that I am not a very emotional person. Although I've never lost anybody extremely close yet (like a mother or sibling or spouse or something) I've never cried at a funeral. I've gotten misty-eyed, like for my father-in-law, but that's about it. In fact, I cannot even remember the last time I cried... about anything. I like to think of it as an advantage; I can almost always keep a cool head. I don't panic very often. My wife is usually the one to point out that I'm not emotional very often and it makes me seem cold (but this is coming from a person who is extremely emotional).

But last night, only about 20 minutes after taking the day's pill (the first 80mg one), I was making some Hamburger Helper and I put the 1 cup of water on the beef and I thought "That's not nearly enough liquid. Is something wrong with these directions?" and I started to cook it but it just wasn't looking right. To see if I was going crazy I handed the box to my wife and said "That says 1 cup right?" and she said "Yes, but did you notice after that it says 2 cups of milk?" I couldn't believe I totally skipped that over. That was the kind of inattention I thought Stattera was helping. Then I felt really despondent. I almost seriously cried. Then later while waiting for the dinner to simmer I saw my son in the living room near the kitchen entrance and I felt how much I just loved the little guy and I sat him down and gave him this speech about how when the new babies come that they might get more attention than him and that it didn't mean we didn't love him any less and that I was sorry ahead of time if I accidentally didn't give him enough attention. Again, I started to feel all emotional. I cannot even tell you specifically what the emotion was (I don't think it was a negative one like sadness) but I started to tear up again. I suddenly felt like bawling my eyes out. I told my wife about it in a trembling voice. She became concerned.

I continued to feel that way as I finished preparing dinner and by the time we were eating I was fine. And, I don't know if this has anything to do with the drug, but last night I woke up several times to turn over or whatnot, and each time my mind let me continue the dream I'd been having, which was a good one. It's extremely rare, but really kickass when that happens.

Today everything feels normal. I have some concern, though, after reading this blog. I wonder what else is in store...

UPDATE: Since writing this, I have been doing some more research. There are a lot of folks out there who have experiened emotional problems (the younger they are the worse they are) from Strattera. I suddenly felt sad, maybe from reading those, who knows, and then I started laughing (fortunately not too loudly) because of how funny it was that all of a sudden I felt sad for a moment. Hmmm.

Day 7 >>

Whhhhhhhere do I begin.

Last Saturday night, I went out for a drink with an old friend. She has a (deserved) reputation as a mankiller - in fact, the first thing we talked about was the fact that she was going out with two guys at once. So I suppose I really shouldn't have done something stupid like the following:

  • Grieve about how my girlfriend is too busy to see me
  • Go on and on about how wonderful my girlfriend is
  • Leave my mobile phone on the table while I go to take a slash

Yes, you guessed it, boys and girls! My friend promptly phoned my girlfriend and left an apparently abusive message on her answerphone. The first I hear about this is the next morning, when I go into work and find my girlfriend yelling at me.

"I wake up this morning and find this abusive voice message! I mean, if you want your friends to do something like that...forget it! You're not worth it!"

During the course of the day I find out more about this message (by now it's fairly obvious who it was left by), but I also find out more about how she doesn't want to see me anymore.

"It's just...you're a really nice guy, and I enjoy hanging out with you, but...it's all the pressure, you know?"

Pressure. Right, so going out with your friends every night and having no time for me, is that what that means?

By the end of the day, I am feeling like shit, but I've managed to calm her down and make up. Insofar as she is no longer mad at me. She receives the mix CD I made for her. We part with a hug. That's the last I see of her, I think.

But oho, no! One of my friends from work invites me out bowling to help me get over it. On the way to the alleys, we stop to fill up with petrol at a station near her house - and I see her getting cash out from the hole in the wall. With a guy I know from work. He spots me, smiles sheepishly, says hi, stares at the floor, then quickly leaves with her.

Although I suppose a large amount of the overall-bad-feeling I have is just standard break-up fare, I can't help but seeth at the double standards, what feels like a betrayal. Every time I try to organise a night out with her (or even just tag along with her and her friends), I am denied. And when one, let's face it, minor incident occurs, then suddenly the pressure is too much, she can't date any more, she's going to university in a fortnight, sorry. But it's fine to go out on what looks a hell of a lot like a date the same night?

I'll just get back to attempting to purge everything that reminds me of her. This is not going to spoil my first few weeks at university.

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