Send me your tear stained pillow, the one that you clutch to your heart in the middle of the night when you wake up and realize that you are alone.

Send me the evidence of your delicate dreams, dissolved into sugared ragged breaths, the smell of your imaginary conquests.

Send me the creases in your cheek, the lines and deep furrows of a night spent in unblinking melancholy - too tired to seek me out, too alone to feel at home.

Send it all to me, and I will tear at the dirty flannel of your nightmares with my teeth. I will burn it up with my rage at the unfairness of a feeling you can't control.


I'll send you mine, with the dream of a warm autumn night, and the capitalization of Love. I will ask you to breathe deep and remember that dreams fade.


And I'm here.


thanks to The Smiths for a phrase to invoke tears - from Some Girls are Bigger Than Others.

Can I call PawPaw?

Well, of course. Try not to stay on too, too long.

she'd started dialing at 'of course'

Hey, PawPaw. It's me, Tobi.

pause
she's his only grandchild and really, the only child he knows
but always, she identifies herself

Can I ask you something?

pause
(i imagine that his answer was much like mine--of course)

Would you send me something?

she laughs

Really? Anything?

then she looks serious

Send me your pillow.

pause

Your pillow. Send me your pillow, the one you dream on.

pause
as i'm leaving the room, she's saying her good-bye

I love you too. Just send it with my Nan, okay? Bye.

footsteps of a little person through the kitchen...

Mom--are you crying?

I am. Sitting folded up in the hallway, trying to make myself as small as possible, I'm crying.

And yes, my mother did smuggle out one rather large pillow from MD Anderson Cancer Center because just the pillowcase would not do for her.

"No. I need to sleep on his dreams..."



june 27th
it's over now. he was denied the bone marrow transplant and is receiving hospice care as there is no other treatment option at this point. my most sincere appreciation to everyone who /msged, emailed, called and sent paper mail re: my daylog and the note on the front page. the response was better than i'd imagined and there is, for each of you, a special place in my heart.

update june 30th
quintin died very early this morning.
he was loved and knew this.
again, to you all, my thanks and love.

Send me the pillow, the one that you dream on.

Send me the tear-stained mahogany,
the bloodshot eyes that have seen so much,
too much for your fragile frame to bear the burden of.

Send me the liars, the dancers, the lovers and romancers,
The lingering desert heat and the stillness of it all.

Send me the weight of your world,
The pillow, the one that you dream on,
And I'll set it ablaze,
Carry it beyond the breakers,
And watch it drown.

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