- 1 (relatively new) Oldsmobile Coupe
- 1 bottle decent Champagne
- 1 attractive, naive, young female homo sapien
- 4 Quarts of Scotch
- 25 or so White-Shoe lawyers from New York or D.C.
Pour two glasses (preferably Baccarat crystal flutes) of the Champagne.
Serve. Encourage the female homo sapien to drink both glasses. (In fact,
it's best if she consumes the bottle in its entirety.)
Drink a quart of the scotch. It's best to do this without the knowledge of
the female. A good excuse is "I'm preparing hors d'oeuvres in the kitchen," or
"I need to use the bathroom." Do not, under any circumstances, add ice to
the Scotch. It's best taken right from the bottle.
Be certain that the young female is completely intoxicated. Utilize some of
the Scotch, on ice, to achieve this, if she's not sufficiently affected by the
Offer to drive the young woman home using the Oldsmobile. Park it on the side
of the beach, and attempt to have your way with her. Should she reject your
advances, drive the Oldsmobile to Chappaquiddick* and send it over the bridge,
plummeting into the brackish water below. This will quickly dispatch the
Swim to safety. Consume another quart of the Scotch at a nearby friend's
house (and enjoy some of his wife's fish chowder) while you figure out what to
do. Do not, under any circumstances, contact the police.
Have your friend drive you home. Since you won't be driving, it's okay to
drink the third quart of scotch. Sleep will come quickly and easily.
The next day, telephone the attorney(s) of choice. They'll have the local
constabulary fish the young woman (and the Oldsmobile) out of the creek.
Save the fourth quart of scotch. Let it age. Use it to intoxicate your
nephew when years later you both disrobe to your underwear and chase young
women around your family's compound in Florida. Don't worry, you'll have
plenty of White-Shoe lawyers left over from the first batch.
*I know the name of the chowder SHOULD be Chappaquiddick, but "Cape Cod" is far more, er, charming.
TO THE HANDFUL OF NODERS WHO DOWNVOTED THIS PIECE OF PURELY SATIRICAL MATERIAL (IN FACT, I DIG TED KENNEDY A LOT) I HAVE THREE WORDS WHICH SUM UP THE MORAL, IF YOU WILL, OF MY STORY: ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES