Ingredients:

  • 1 (relatively new) Oldsmobile Coupe
  • 1 bottle decent Champagne
  • 1 attractive, naive, young female homo sapien
  • 4 Quarts of Scotch
  • 25 or so White-Shoe lawyers from New York or D.C.

Methode:

Pour two glasses (preferably Baccarat crystal flutes) of the Champagne. Serve. Encourage the female homo sapien to drink both glasses. (In fact, it's best if she consumes the bottle in its entirety.)

Drink a quart of the scotch. It's best to do this without the knowledge of the female. A good excuse is "I'm preparing hors d'oeuvres in the kitchen," or "I need to use the bathroom." Do not, under any circumstances, add ice to the Scotch. It's best taken right from the bottle.

Be certain that the young female is completely intoxicated. Utilize some of the Scotch, on ice, to achieve this, if she's not sufficiently affected by the Champagne.

Offer to drive the young woman home using the Oldsmobile. Park it on the side of the beach, and attempt to have your way with her. Should she reject your advances, drive the Oldsmobile to Chappaquiddick* and send it over the bridge, plummeting into the brackish water below. This will quickly dispatch the inebriated female.

Swim to safety. Consume another quart of the Scotch at a nearby friend's house (and enjoy some of his wife's fish chowder) while you figure out what to do. Do not, under any circumstances, contact the police.

Have your friend drive you home. Since you won't be driving, it's okay to drink the third quart of scotch. Sleep will come quickly and easily.

The next day, telephone the attorney(s) of choice. They'll have the local constabulary fish the young woman (and the Oldsmobile) out of the creek.

Save the fourth quart of scotch. Let it age. Use it to intoxicate your nephew when years later you both disrobe to your underwear and chase young women around your family's compound in Florida. Don't worry, you'll have plenty of White-Shoe lawyers left over from the first batch.

*I know the name of the chowder SHOULD be Chappaquiddick, but "Cape Cod" is far more, er, charming.

TO THE HANDFUL OF NODERS WHO DOWNVOTED THIS PIECE OF PURELY SATIRICAL MATERIAL (IN FACT, I DIG TED KENNEDY A LOT) I HAVE THREE WORDS WHICH SUM UP THE MORAL, IF YOU WILL, OF MY STORY:
ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES

Log in or registerto write something here or to contact authors.