So in
Punchout for the NES and SNES you play this
guy, a
boxer, by the name of Scrappy
little Mac. He seeks to become to world's greatest
boxer in this fictious league of
motley individuals. There is a sequel to the game called (not very
originally-titled)
Super Punchout. Similar story, same general premise.
There is but one problem with his attempt at
fame: The league is
riddled with
cheating. Horrible, unchecked, unabashed cheating! For instance, this tub of
lard, by the name of Bald Bull, charges at you and rams you with his head. That little ref
mario is there, sitting idly as you get walked over in obviously unfair manuevers. The first one is much better than the second. They make at least a half-assed attempt to keep things looking on the up-and-up with "Keep it Clean, now let's come out boxing" on the title screen. Yeah, right.
A list of offenders follow as such:
1)
Great Tiger: Who allowed
magic in the ring? Not that its very effective magic, but still, its not like its like EVERYONE can have magic these days. This isn't
Final Fantasy or something, this is boxing. Nice
jewel,
buddy.
2)
Bald Bull: As stated before, this stooge somehow made it to the top of the Major Circuit by running over people, bribing referees all the way. It's really quite unfortunate so watch the corruption in place. And yet somehow, Don "I'm in touch with my
manhood" Flamenco manages to beat him. More payoffs.
3)(
SNES Version Now)
Bob Charlie: So this man had a tad too much
weed and decided to put on some gloves. Not as if he is any good, but still. They let him in without the drug test? It seems that way, mon.
4)
Dragon Chan: Oh look, we've upgraded to jumping off the
ropes. Great. Wrestling meets boxing. And yet, still no "hey, what the heck do you think you're doing" calls from the ref. Grrr.
5)
Masked Muscle: Easily one of my favorites. "Spit in his eye." Spit in his eye? Whoa! This is horrible coaching gone wrong. That would be like fighting Iron
Mike and having the coach yell "Nibble on his Ear" I dont
think so! Fire the coach, put the guy in jail, the works. Spit in his eye... sheesh.
6)
Aran Ryan: A little shady, but still somewhat ok. What you want to give me a hug? Hey, that hurts. He squeezes the crap out of you if you hit him hard. Some gratitude.
7)
Heike Kagero: Kind of like Great Tiger, the coach yells to this rather feminine looking fighter "Show him the
mirage dance". It couldn't be anything nice like, "show him the pictures of the kids", or show him that scar that "Bald Bull left on your back". No, instead, its more magic... grrr
8)
Mad Clown: Anyone who's name is Mad Clown is a poster child of "unbalanced". Juggles, dances, and that
bitch slap thing he does is probably not all that legal.
9)
Super Macho Man: Okay people, the spin thing just isn't
legal, no matter how much you shake your pecks.
Sorry.
Game over. Time to re-
think a less annoying and potentially crippling strategy
10)
Hoy Quarlow: Who let this man have a
stick? Whats with that! A stick. Um, no search before you get in the ring? Nothing! Id bet i could box REAL well with a weapon. Okay, my turn to pick.
AK-47.
11)
The bruiser family: So my only complaint against the bruisers is that they both use their elbows. Nothing from the ref. Although i suppose that is to be suspected from people who beat up the previously mentioned man with the stick. There is no justice.
So armed with nothing, you expect to win against these? I don't think so. Poor scrappy little Mac, someone who would do much better in a real boxing league, or even the
WWF, get repeated mauled for your
entertainment at the hands of unfair competition. When will he
learn?