From time to time I like to take a “mental health day” off work and just generally shag about rather than facing the monotonous grind of my cubical-based, memo-filled existence in the office.

Being of semi-import, I like to leave my cell phone on for the purposes of staying in touch with current events and emergencies of the work place (e.g. somebody broke the coffee machine, the girl in the building next door that we can see from our office has her extra-short skirt on again, Jim got his tie caught in the paper-shredder again, etc). This has almost caused me to be caught out by my peers, having a lazy day off.

It is for this reason that I have compiled a short list of useful excuses for being off work, in case your manager decides that you actually exist, and feels the need to give you a call:

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