a wise man once said that the truth hurts like hell. and so it does. all these thoughts i thought were real were spider web swords against the real demons coiled like serpents around my brainstem. i can't feed these lies anymore. i can't sleep, i feel a single tear streak the voluptuous roses of my cheeks. you did this to me. i remember wanting you. i remember when you made me high. after four months, i look into your eyes and see a stranger. i don't think you know what i say when i speak. i can't tell if you're listening. my ears are ringing with confusion and i know even as i write this you are sleeping, healing, and is it selfish to wish you were here with me instead? after four cycles of the moon, i'm left with four revolutions of the earth, and then you slip away from me like a wistful balloon with better things to do. how do i make you love me? how do i pull away my veil and show you my soul, knowing you could laugh? i want to trust you, but i just nearly choked on your penis, and when you came you told me to go home. thanks a lot.

sometimes.. sometimes i curse you in the secret parts of my mind. in all the world at this moment i only have you. i can't say what i'd do if that statement proved false. i think about other men - i look - but when you pull shit like tonight that little devil by my ear backhands the angel next to her and scoffs, 'i told you so..' what i want to have left when you leave is certainly not blistered toes and dickbreath. i want so badly to believe that this will last. i want to delude myself that in 9 months you'll burst through my door and carry me away to a white wedding in your perfect world where it won't matter if my mom doesn't speak to me and my dad thinks i'm an idiot.

i may look unsure, but this was all anticipated. i know what i'll do in response to whatever choice you make. i'll do something, but i'll do it as the chicken, not the egg. i need to know where i stand. i'm still blindfolded on the edge of a cliff, as far as i know. i don't want to be afraid to love you, but you don't make it easy. i wonder if you have any idea what's running through my head.

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