I have stayed silent long enough. Today is the day I speak up for my poorly mistreated breathren. I have seen them suffer through the most degrading episodes and be subjected to every sicko's fantasy. I have seen people take pleasure in it. Yes, there are those who find something as sick as taking advantage of a slightly-chubby rodent titillating. They walk amongst you. They breathe the same air you do, polluting it with their vile thoughts and desires. They are your average American, fooling everyone with their good manners and conservative philosophy. When they are alone, however, their true nature is revealed.

Internet sites such as Hamsters All Night, Bare Stuffed Cheeks, and The Hamster Dance all cater to this gross populace. Broadcasting hamster porn 24/7, archiving hamster xxx pics, and hosting a forum where patrons can share their various "conquests," Hamsters All Night is surely the ruler of the rodent porn kingdom.

I recently had the chance to speak with Harvey Drake, webmaster of Hamsters All Night. Here is the interview:

Mr. Drake--

Call me Harvey, you sweet little mutant thang, you.

Ok...Harvey, sir. Don't you feel responsible for perverting a perfectly innocent domescticated animal and the people who have an uncontrolable desire to see them in an erotic fashion?

Hey--I give the public what it wants. It ain't no crime for a hard-workin' man to relax a little with some erotic entertainment, and there ain't no ban yet on the use of hamsters, even them lil' youngin's, in this kinda business. Tell me what am I doin' wrong, lassy?

Well, sir, we've had reports about the ways you treat your subjects--forcing them to run on their wheels for 10 hours straight, teasing them with delicious yogurt drops, putting two females in the same cage to induce a fight--this is just unacceptable! It's animal abuse and exploitation and you know it!

Calm down there, you. My, you look mighty cute when you work up a little sweat. Heh. Those reports are all uncomfirmed. Our hamsters are happy with their lives. Just go to the website and see fo' yourself.

I'm not going to visit your site, sir. Now, I want to talk about the incident involving one of your hamsters and a jello mold. It's alledged that you--

This interview is over! That is a lie and you know it!

--tied a string to the poor dear's pitiful excuse for a tail and--

(Goes out of the room in a huff)

So you see, this is not a clean industry. It has debased our society and ruined the lives of many innocent hamsters. I feel for my half-brothers and half-sisters. Every time I hear that lilting tune from The Hamster Dance, I shudder with the realization that it could just have easily been me or someone I know.

Don't let this continue. We can put an end to the shame. Ban together, my friends--we will take this country back to its glory days, full of apple pie and lemonade and completely void of compromised hamser and human values.

Not one more hamster will have to endure the shackles of the pornography industry. Not one more hamster will be forced to dream of a place where there are no cameras taping every hour of every day. Not one more hamser will have to dance to that stupid song.

Not one more.

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