This quick recipe is pure evil. These are the simplest, most inexpensive little square cakes that I've made recently. They are also the best form of mind control device since The White Witch created Turkish Delight to enthrall young Edmund. Once you've had one you will crave them ceaselessly for weeks. Evil, pure, lovely evil - you'll love them - as will your victims.

What you'll need (for the cake layer):

What you'll need (for the cheesecake layer):

First you'll want to perform whatever incantations against demonic possession you have handy. I usually pick something classic - a Gregorian chant usually manages to keep away the devils of temptation long enough to get them into the oven.

Now that you're protected from the Ultimate Evil, begin by mixing the cake layer:

Melt the butter so that it's still a little thick and mix it with the egg. Once it's well mixed together pour it into the cake mix and blend it with a fork until you have a nice, doughy consistency.

Carefully (so as not to wake it) press it into a 9 x 13 pan and set it aside for a bit.

Next you want to summon the second half of this evil manna.

Use a mixer to combine the softened cream cheese with the vanilla, salt and 2 eggs. Beat these until creamy smooth. If you look closely you will be able to see the lovely, imposing face of the fallen Angel, Lucifer. Ignore him for now; he won't become a threat until after baking. Mix in the confectioners sugar slowly. You don't want to mix this too much at a time because you'll look like a ghost when done.

The mix should be ooey gooey when the whole pound is mixed in. It should glow with evil goodness and ooze sweet menace. If you must taste the mixture, please make sure that all protection spells are in place - or your malevolent creation may never come to being.

Gently pour the concentrated evil mixture over the cake layer. Smooth it even across the sleeping, demonic cake layer.

Bake for 35 to 40 minutes at 350 degrees or until a toothpick comes out clean - don't stab too many times or you'll awaken the hidden, deceptive powers.

Allow the fires of Hades to cool in it. An hour of cooling will do.

Now that they've cooled, cut them into small squares. It will only take a single piece to attain the level of mind control you will need- your victims will move heaven and earth in order to gain another piece.

Wrap them, give them as gifts, take over the world.

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