This quick recipe is pure evil. These are the simplest, most inexpensive
little square cakes that I've made recently. They are also the best form of mind
control device since The White Witch created Turkish Delight to enthrall
young Edmund. Once you've had one you
will crave them ceaselessly for weeks. Evil, pure, lovely evil - you'll love
them - as will your victims.
What you'll need (for the cake layer):
What you'll need (for the cheesecake layer):
First you'll want to perform whatever incantations against demonic
possession you have handy. I usually pick something classic - a Gregorian
chant usually manages to keep away the devils of temptation long enough to
get them into the oven.
Now that you're protected from the Ultimate Evil, begin by mixing the cake
Melt the butter so that it's still a little thick and mix it with the egg.
Once it's well mixed together pour it into the cake mix and blend it with a fork
until you have a nice, doughy consistency.
Carefully (so as not to wake it) press it into a 9 x 13 pan and set it
aside for a bit.
Next you want to summon the second half of this evil manna.
Use a mixer to combine the softened cream cheese with the vanilla, salt and
2 eggs. Beat these until creamy smooth. If you look closely you will be able
to see the lovely, imposing face of the fallen Angel, Lucifer. Ignore him
for now; he won't become a threat until after baking. Mix in the confectioners
sugar slowly. You don't want to mix this too much at a time because you'll look
like a ghost when done.
The mix should be ooey gooey when the whole pound is mixed
in. It should glow with evil goodness and ooze sweet menace. If you must
taste the mixture, please make sure that all protection spells are in place -
or your malevolent creation may never come to being.
Gently pour the concentrated evil
mixture over the cake layer. Smooth it even across the sleeping, demonic cake
Bake for 35 to 40 minutes at 350 degrees or until a toothpick comes out
clean - don't stab too many times or you'll awaken the hidden, deceptive powers.
Allow the fires of Hades to cool in it. An hour of cooling will do.
Now that they've cooled, cut them into small squares. It will only take a
single piece to attain the level of mind control you will need- your victims
will move heaven and earth in order to gain another piece.
Wrap them, give
them as gifts, take over the world.