The following is based on observation of my own pet Guinea Pig, Kow, and how she reacts to certain objects and stimuli in her environment. This is hardly of scientific merit, rather casual observations that have in turn inspired the following treatise.

Observation one:

The guinea pig will approach something new to him or her in a reserved manor. Slowly inspecting this new and presumable interesting thing, deciding whether or not it is dangerous. The danger factor is apparently decided by the range of motion the subject in question displays. Thus, if the object is moving it is considerably more dangerous and the pig will be less likely to approach it.

Observation two:

Assuming that a guinea pig has approached a new object, it will attempt to discern the purpose and usefulness of the object. The first way the pig tests these factors is by licking the object. If it tastes good, the guinea pig will continue to lick it and perhaps attempt to bite it. If the lick yields an unpleasant or un-lickworthy result, the animal will most definitely result to biting. It is debatable whether or not this is sign of an attack or perhaps sheer curiosity in the taste.

Observation three:

Like Homer Simpson, guinea pigs will almost certainly spoil the moment. The usual mode of this is, of course, by urinating all over you, your furniture, and anything else that should not be peed on. If this is not the case, the animal will defecate on you or your things and sit immobile, concealing it’s crime until you pick it back up to put it away.

Observation four:

Guinea pigs have little reason to move. They have enslaved the human race and force their unwitting owners to bring them food and water with chirping and purring. It is a rare occasion for one to witness a guinea pig moving more than three feet in an hour, as they are one of the laziest animals on earth. It is assumable that their massive bulk is derived from this sedentary lifestyle that they enjoy.

As always, if you have some observations of your own feel free to /msg rad and I will gladly add them to the above list.

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