Facilities Management

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Pets Control Policy

We would like to remind you of the pet control policies currently in effect at CMU.
  1. No animal larger than a calf will be considered a pet for the purposes of CMU Facility Management. We regret to say that even heraldic animals fall within this rule.
  2. All pets should be properly insured.
  3. It is the pet owner's responsability to provide the pet with food, water and whatever is necessary to its welfare.
  4. The presence of the pet must not cause inconvenience, especially in the case of allergic reactions, to the people that share the office space with the pet owner.

Interaction

In many cases pets interact either in a prey-predator relationship or in a male-female relationship. The owners of pets that could fall prey to other pets should make sure that the security of their pet is not compromised.
In particular, the owners of small rodent pets (gerbils, hamsters, white mice ...) should check with their floor manager whether there are already cats or birds of prey in the building.
Of course, cat owners should do the same regarding dogs and other animals that have a known incompatibility with cats (goats, turtles, snakes ...).

Prey-predator interaction

In case a prey-predator interaction occurs, neither CMU nor the predator owner will be responsible for the outcome, unless it is provable that there was maliciuos intent in the chain of actions that led to the interaction.
In case the interaction produces waste, such as offal, a cleanup intervention can be arranged with Facility Management.

Breeding interaction

Male-female interaction that occur among pets on the campus grounds will be dealt with according to the Carnegie Mellon University Policy Against Sexual Harassment. Pet owners are advised to keep a record of pet consent, or, faut de mieux, owner's.
As it is customary, the Dean will have pick of the litter.

CMU Facility Management services

The pet owner can arrange, for a small fee, the removal of pet waste. To this end, contact Facility Management. We regret that delivery of pet food is not currently within our plans, even if this policy may be revised in the future.

Pets that fall without the definition set forth above

The presence on campus of animals that fall outside the previous bounds is disencouraged. In particulare, Facility Management cannot provide waste removal for large herbivorous animals: this is a responsability of the owner.

Should any exceptional measure be necessary for the management of animals that are not considered pets, it will be billed to the pet owner, including veterinary and hunter charges.

Pets that shouldn't be kept on campus

The following pets are considered not appropriate for campus:

Purple assed babboon
considered unsightly
Wombat
loves mud
Great cat cub (lion, tiger, puma ...)
cute now, but what when it grows up
Killer bee
possibility of allergic reactions
Giant vampire gerbil
considered silly
Dwarf elefant
trumpets loudly, even if it is cute
Striped anteater
difficulties in food supply
Poisonous snakes (some)
negative interaction with the cassowaries
Snark
mythical: probably RSPCA protected
Thunderhamster
generates dangerous vibrations
Tie
makes hackers nervous
Black pudding
requires special containment area
Mesopotamus
probably extinct (if it ever existed)
Syzzygian grunphgroughan
difficult spelling
Giant black slug (man eating variety)
known to harm office furniture
Horned fire demon
Pittsburgh city and Allegheny county safety regulations
Unicorn
negative interaction with the Lion
Wide-eyed fluffy white cuddly bunny
excessively cute
Ever-angry grizzly bear
well, that's quite OK actually

I wrote this as an April Fool when I was at Carnegie Mellon University

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