Where should I start? The beginning is usualy the best place, but I'm going to avoid boring you with my early childhood and skip right to the meat.
I spent much of my time from 1st-7th grade ignored by my peers for my intelligence and blossiming creativity. This stunted my social growth, setting me behind my peers quite a bit. By the time I finnaly connected to a few people (around the end of 7th grade) I moved to Tennessee. I then had to get new bearings and meet new friends. Last time this took me 7 years.
I don't have 7 years this time.
I am going through high school, a time when I should be blossoming and maturing socialy, and I'm alone. I have one or two friend, but I rarely see them and I still can't find a way to really conect to them. The people I hang around are utterly different than me. Seven years from now I'll be 23, in college working on my masters, and I'll by then the window of oppertunity in which my greatest friends would be made will be mostly shut.
Let me put it this way: All of them (or most) have done something dangerous or something that got them in trouble. Not that I want to land in Jug, but as any idiot with half a clue can see I don't really fit in with these people.
So where do I belong?
I'm not a jock, or a prep, there is no group of geeks at my High School, I'm not very artsy, and I'm most certainly not going to fit in with the Southern Christianity of the FCA.
Part of my problem is I'm unsure of who I am. Without knowing this I can't find the people who I'll fit in with. I need to define myself, in both words and actions. Everything2 will help me express what I feel I can't say out loud. But in order to grow I eventually need to speak. I'm going to work on this a lot this year and next. And in order to do that I'm going to have to call into question everything I believe in, that is the only way to sort out what I honestly care about and what's just godma I've sucked up over the years.
The next few months are going to be particularly crazy for me. I'm going to sound a lot different than I usualy do here, so don't freak out. I'll be ok.
Just give it time...
Reset in progress...
Purging /dev/matt...........done.
Opening /bin/adairM for writing
Begin.
Who am I?
Whoa, huge question here, this is one I'm not yet prepared to answer. How can you know who you are if you don't know what you think? So lets begin...
What do you believe?
I believe that all individuals are equal, that no one is any more important than another.
I believe that there is no original sin, that each one of us starts out in the world innocent and that our actions from that point on determine if we are good or evil.
I believe that each person may define themselves as they wish, and that this definition will impact how we are seen by others.
I believe that human beings have the capability to care about and respect one another in general, that a few bad apples will not spoil the whole bunch.
What is your goal?
My primary goal is to belong. To find a group I fit with and enter it. Without reaching this goal I can not survive as a sentient being.
Another goal is to leave some impact on the world. Doesn't have to be anything big or something that goes into the history books, just something that will impact somebody's (maybe more than one somebody) life.
Cogito, Ergo Sum
That's the one thing I can be sure of. The only thing. At this point I've decided to throw out everything but ethics and morals and basicly start over. Think of it as spring cleaning for the soul.
or something like that...
Instrumentality
It's been awhile, hasn't it?
All things find a solution in time, usually via serendipity
Instrumentality...hhmmmm...
ripping a term from Evangelion here,
but not going to use it in the same sense.
Well, not quite the same sense.
When I think about the word,
it makes you think of an orchestra,
a symphony,
a group of musical performers,
all playing in time.
Each sound is unique and different,
yet they all blend together in one harmonious sound...
Why can't the soul be the same way?
I've noticed in my time thus far on Earth that
sometimes we strike a chord with someone,
and they in a way, understand you.
...
I know it's impossible to completely understand another person.
As Henry David Thoreau put it in Walden,
"I have found no exertion of the legs can bring two minds much neared to one another."
BUT...
I think it is possible to be allowed a glimpse...
a window, so to speak,
into another person's soul. They have to open it though,
(but you can always ask.)
right?
I have found my definition through my friends
We are outlined by the world we see
And I have found the loving arms of another to keep me alive.
And for that, I am forever greatful.
My search for an understanding of myself will never end. The book is not yet completely written, but I have plenty of time with which to pen it.
Pax vobiscum, et vale.