So much has been made of this.

In a nutshell, I think: Love everyone, trust no one.

When I get hurt I think of reasons not to love you anymore. Bad habits; hypocrisies; a diary of the times love barely kept me from killing you.

You weren't the only one I lost this way. I gave up loving in the name of preserving my heart.

I stopped changing my clothes in front of her, and I refused to let her see me cry. I wasn't afraid of her anymore, but I had to cover the marks she made in my heart.

We were on speaking terms when he died but I'd begun to hear his voice like I hear bad radio, i.e., only when I have to. It was different before he broke me (and he broke me a number of times). All I heard that was a bad refrain.
Lonely. Wanna die.
Girl, you know the reason why.
Bored me; I said so aloud.
I could have listened to the verses in between and known he meant business, but I couldn't be broken any further.

I think all the time about saving lives, probably to my own psychological peril. I give blood because I've got it on my hands.
(on a tramampoline)

boing, boing

"Are you happy?"

boing, boing

"This is about as close as I get."

boing, boing

boing, boing

I want to know if it has happened already, but I can't know that.

I am so impatient for despair and your damn relentless hope is the only thing that lets me walk away almost calm. The tears only show at the edges, and if you asked me I would say it was fatigue, but you don't ask.

Instead you show the remarkable faith of letting go.

Your way is simpler, but I am a poet. At least, that's what they tell me.

So let our last conversation be the sighing of skin on skin. The alien mechanics of an ordinary act. The untranslatable first words of Adam, as secret as a heartbeat. You told me to open my eyes you told me to open my eyes you told me volumes in Braille I was reading your skin and saw it all that time for the first time.

For the last time.

Our Last Conversation (First Kiss)

You leaned into my neck and shoulders,
like a soldier, bullet-ridden, thirsty, aching
finally landing on friendly shores.
You knew, at least for this moment,
you were safe.
In the sudden honesty of you, giving up
I forgot about shyness.
I hoped that the soft slide of my lips and gentle hands was saying:
Breathe in these revelations.
Turn your secrets into the life you need to live.
Shed the old, soured skin,
this "you" that is nothing like you.
The risk of a new world.
It will embrace you, and if it doesn't, I will.

If I had known that you were going to run,
I would have given you better music.
I would have chosen more wisely
words mingled among rudimentary kisses.
I met your eyes; you were hiding in my periphery.
You trailed off into the softness of me,
handling my arms, my hair, discovering hips and mouth,
and I sighed like a girl, despite my twenty-five years.
You were tentative, hot and waiting,
behind the gleam of teeth and glasses.
I could hear your heart fluttering,
thrashing like a salmon leaping into the stillness of a waiting pool,
the triumphant claiming of what it had always wanted
your heartbeat quickening beneath cotton//flesh//bone
at the warmth of me,
feeling the eventual culmination
of all we had been saying
and meaning to say
and, then,
there we were.

As the tightening in my chest unfurls
I feel this Mallory heart
Circulating fresh casino air
Blinking lights energy
Clarity, untying, I am beginning to disappear from the television
From blue eyes I see in the mirror into bright auburn orbs
Breaking the restraint of rails
Filtering the static of so many crossed wires
And my pet machine abides
Since my newest crash
Tonight I am fluttering over the keys in tempo
With will and this red button hovering in tune
Depressed with my ,...a touch
Faint, but a voice remains
More familiar than any and the ghost settles
Into my arms and
On this bedside table carves the secret
Because the light has stayed on
Beside a jar; sealed housing a model ship - I've never seen
Until tonight...
Rediscovering sight, clarity, silence
I catch a glimpse of your face as I work to break the Mason jar's seal
Whose intricate design
Blows me away before rushing back in a fluid wake
While outside my window the tops of skyscrapers are Obscured By Clouds
The air is thin on top of this hill
This night, her voice hums, my angel, I've been blind
Oh beautiful, I am sorry
I didn't know you knew
How much I loved you

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