We couldn't believe the news. We were all going to get laid. Derek told us how last Monday and we've been planning accordingly ever since. Online tutorials: check. Condoms: check. Money (lots of money): check. Flavored lubricant: Tropical check. Most of us had been counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds. We hadn't seen James in three days which was concerning. David, a look of exhaustion on his face, absent-mindedly clicked through Hot or Not photos on his tablet. Bro, totally hot. Jeffrey jumped around and screamed that we, boys, were about to become honest-to-God, no-I'm-not-kidding-you-yes-us, real men. We passed around a flask of stolen whiskey(?) and watched Youtube videos about boxing kangaroos.

We were all nervous. The phrasing on the website was vague and it was difficult for us to all fit into the car. David said it wasn't going to work. The disclaimer, he insisted, was really scary. Jeffrey told him to cool it because that's just what they have to do to keep the pigs off their ass. We were going to be fine. We decided to text Derek again to reaffirm the simple logistics of the plan, and, secretly, to confirm our safety. While we waited in mostly silence for a response, Alex started rubbing flavored lube on his face and calling himself Yung Ron Jeremy. We told him to stop being a dipshit but it did ease the tension, and then Alex rubbed his lubricated face on David's neck and chest which caused a full-fledged Honda Accord brawl. Jeffrey relentlessly unleashed Mule Bites on David's left leg while, simultaneously, Alex lathered the remainder of the Tropical Fruit Punch lube on David's combed brown hair. David, cackling in his misery, repeatedly swiped his hands through his hair before rubbing the Tropical Fruit Lube all over David and Alex. In the front seat, Michael was very concerned about the state of his sister's car. Anyway, it wasn't until much later that we chose to see Derek's text: Just GO you pussies.

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