One of the more expressive and varied, yet peculiarly specialized forms of the art known as dance. I will attempt to classify some of the pre-eminent styles.
Begin the dance walking slowly, a narrow tree lined footpath/curb/track/road is an ideal backdrop for this quite languid, interpretive style. A pause...for dramatic effect; hinting at your realization that large, hairy arachnids are likely to be suspended on gently swaying strands of silk from the lower foliage ahead. Your arms should then begin to make large, graceful sweeping motions in the space before your body....be particularly aware of fully integrating the space before your face into this play of raw fear and gentle motion. Do not be afraid to arch your back, incorporating even more of your primal dread in a dramatic posturing designed to minimize the vertical surface of your body, whilst maximizing the sacrificial coverage provided by your arms. Some choose props for this dance - an umbrella, a stick, there is much scope for improvisation.
Most performances of this dance end without major stylistic variations, usually upon exiting the stage which prompted same. This is often termed the 'lucky' or 'successful superstitious warding' form of TMPSD. However, sometimes the dance ceases to be a solo performance. This will lead to dramatic changes in both the style and tempo of the dance. We turn now to:
..or the Frenzied Flailing Dervish
Do not be afraid to freeze theatrically when your dance partner joins you on stage. This should be a moment embodying everything from faster than light protracted ruminations on the imminent spectacle of your own demise, to primitive autonomic reactions where relative kilo-litres of "I really don't like this at all" stimulant are dumped industrial-waste like into your blood stream. Your heart may stop; indeed if you achieve this state you are truly on your way to complete mastery of the dance. Following the 'wordless dread' freeze, you may indulge in one of the major dance variations, or you may even choose to abandon all major forms of the dance, and embark upon a spectacularly interpretive flight of Spontaneity as yet unseen on the stage. It is after all....the dance, so dance damn you, dance!
Major Forms:
The Drums of Expungement - The human dancer beats at themselves with little regard for personal wellbeing, in a Quixotic attempt to extinguish the life of their partner in dance. This rarely meets with actual harm to the Arachnid performer, but usually results in a termination of the dance as the Arachnid hurriedly exits stage. Often, the drumming will subside, only to begin again with renewed and spectacular frenzy as the 'more legged' dance partner is discovered in a different bodily location. May result in debilitating injury if the dance begins as a waist level pairing.
The Sweeper Cometh - The more graceful and life-aware of dancers may choose this style upon pairing. Often, the hurried, yet gentle sweeping is localized to the area upon which your multi-sectioned dance partner alights. The effect is often spectacular, the arachnid performer may fly dramatically off into the night; it may even move to the sweeping hand, prompting a change in tempo and form (frenetic hand waving is a popular variation at this point). Usually, sweeping progresses across a wide selection of body parts - truly spectacular in application when performed by one well versed in the dance, and flexible in movement range and expression. Sweeping of the head is the pinnacle of this form; portraying kindness and raw courage in a blind rhythm of life-affirmation for both dancers.
This, possibly the most exciting, challenging, and erotic of the spider dances, begins with a hidden pairing; only the human dancer is visible. In fact, only at the climax of the dance is the octopedal partner revealed. Do not however make the mistake of downplaying the role of your smaller performer in this dance; the hidden work required in this dance is prodigious, the courage; immense. The most renowned stylistic variation begins with a pairing in the pants. Following the physically communicated expressions of vague discomfort, growing awareness, and spasmic shock by the phobic dancer, comes the true embodiment of all that is the spider dance. The artistic license available to the dancers at this point is without bounds. Beatings, shakings, strippings, whirlings, screamings, bitings, scurryings, imprecations to gods above ; the forms defy any true linear description, and the verbal and non-verbal become as one. Such is the passion in this dance that it is often a dance unto death for the valiant Arachnid partner. No true artist could imagine a better way to die.