WHO SAYS YOU CAN
NEVER GO HOME AGAIN?
Regression Tours presents:
Often Ignored Vacation Destinations!!
(Go on, we triple dog dare you)
The Secret Spot
Let them call 'ollie ollie oxen free' all over again when you go to that one place where no one can ever, ever find you! Recreate the feeling that you are a thoughtful, special human being in your very own makeshift cave, on a rocky inlet or in the corner of a dusty old attic. Follow the sun across the sky, kick some rocks and guiltily devour the chocolates that went unnoticed from your mother’s guest-candy bowl straight into your windbreaker’s pocket. This is a thinker’s getaway, best topped off by bringing your most treasured items stuffed into an old cigar box. Included are: a small cache of old slightly raunchy paperbacks and a really cool lizard skull.
The Strawberry Patch by the Fence
If you’re hungry for something other than preservative-laden snacks and high line gourmet dinners, give this vacation a try. We’ve found the perfect spot for a solitary, relaxing good time nestled to the right of the shed, between the wheelbarrow and where the rabbit hutch used to be. An out of the way strawberry patch that no one knows about but you, and you can keep it that way! Spend long hours hidden in the shadow of the used-to-be-scary shed, ignoring your mother’s calls to wash up and best of all, ruin your dinner! She’ll never guess what you were doing after you wash away the evidence with the garden hose and then dry off in the sunshine. A real culinary delight! Note: Regression Tours is not responsible for tummy aches.
The Refrigerator Box
Can’t stand even one more second in your grandiose home with all of your overpriced and underused worldly possessions? Then give this package a try. We’ll whisk you away to a world where corrugated cardboard is that much stronger than rain and all you need for home renovations is a pair of scissors and some packing tape. For once, enjoy freedom of mobility in your choice of living space (here, the world is your backyard) and a little privacy, because there is really only room for two. No need to worry about unwanted guests because this box’s flaps close tight enough to let freeloaders know what you’re thinking. Optional additions to this package can include one "No _____ Allowed" sign, stuffed toys or one best friend in the whole wide world.
The Woods Behind Grandma’s House *NEW*
Do you long for the smell of damp leaves in autumn mixed with the subtle scent of chimney smoke? Would you feel more alive if you knew that somewhere there was hot cocoa waiting for you? Feel adventurous and secure all at the same time with our newest vacation deal: First, it's off to a big, old house in a town nothing at all like the one you live in, with streets too small and trees too big and a goodly amount of fine deep brown mud. Then, after sloppy grandma kisses, you'll be bundled up in hat, coat and mittens and set free. After that, it’s up to you! Build a stick fort or be an explorer...but don’t go too far. There is cocoa and warm cookies back at the house. (This package may be combined with The Tuck-In at a discount)
If you’re tired and sluggish in the morning because you don’t sleep well at night (and who does these days?), then this is the package for you! Go to dreamland the right way with our luxury tuck-in special with optional story and nighttime prayers. Be five again just one last time while you doze off on a couch that’s big enough to be your bed. You knew you were tired, but you wanted to stay up for just one more show. And that’s OK! Once almost asleep, you’ll be carried up the stairs in the loving arms of your mom or dad and gently placed under the covers. This ultra-relaxing vacation is topped off with a soft kiss on the forehead and thorough tucking in. Includes one glass of water.
Special Summer Packages:
The High Dive
This is a package specially designed for you adrenaline seekers out there: A trip back to the old public pool, complete with all the jeers and the fears. You’ll share swimming space with your grade school librarian, the prettiest girl in your class and *gulp* the gang of older boys who never seemed to stop tormenting you. The tension increases when you make the fateful decision to finally throw yourself off the high dive (and possibly to your doom). But before that, catch some rays on the sort of playground with a metal jungle-gym while eating all the nickel Chinese gum you can buy from the Circus Man. Will you chicken out? Will your shorts come off when you hit the water? Get this package and find out! Note: Chinese gum will probably not taste as good as you remember.
No hard-bodies here! In fact, who cares about bodies at all when you’re the creator of worlds? We’re not talking the sand under your towel because at this destination, the only important thing about sand is what you can build with it (and, to a lesser extent, that which gets into your swim trunks). Take a day trip back to a beach where the waves are still for body surfing and you don’t have to worry about killer sharks because you’re constantly under the watchful gaze of the world’s best lifeguard: your mom. Includes a rather gritty lunch of chips, sandwiches and one too many cans of soda pop. Package requires a distinct lack of self-consciousness. Also included is transportation in the form of one piggy back ride back to the car.
The fine print: All packages are priced according to imagination and budget but mostly imagination, which means they are pretty much free. In cases where mom or dad or pack of bullying older boys is not available, Regression Tours reserves the right to make substitutions within your own psyche for reasons of comfort, safety or pure terror, when required. Regression Tours will be held accountable for any feelings of nostalgia, joy or wistfulness you may have. Thank you for choosing Regression Tours.