Selected Daylogs
I have consolidated some of my less remarkable daylogs here to cut down on the sheer number of them in my usersearch.

May 25, 2001

I really feel like I can only manage to take control of one part of my life at a time.
I can't seem to watch my weight, quit smoking, get exercise, keep myself, (and my house) clean, and be confident enough to interact with other humans. (At least I can't do all of those things at once).
If I try hard I can do all right with one of those things at a time. (Usually messing up the others). I just can't manage to do them all, (or really even 2 of them for that matter).
Since tonight is friday night my 2 friends will no doubt drag me off someplace in a lame attempt to find a girlfriend for me. This never works. The closest it has ever come to working is when we met 3 girls and went out to dinner with them and found out, (pretty late in the evening), that they were 16 years old. I was actually relieved because I had hardly said a word all night and my "date" showed no interest in me at all. (That sadly enough is the most female contact I have had in nearly a year).

Random tidbits and rants.

May 30, 2001

I am going to have to find a new job soon.

I work the graveyard shift at a hotel. My job is simple. I answer the phone, check in the 1 or 2 people a night that arrive on my shift, and do a backup of the computer system. I took this job because I was supposed to be alone for 7 of those 8 hours. That is how it was at first.
First came Joe the Van driver. He is off work at 11pm when I clock in. But does he go home? Hell no. He has to stay for an hour and watch Jerry Springer on the lobby television. It wouldn't be so bad but he has it turned up so loud that I have to hear it too. Then whenever there is a commercial he feels the need to come over to the desk to inform me; how much he made in tips that day, how hard he worked, how he was scheduled thursday instead of friday, etc etc etc.
Joe cannot comprehend that I don't make his work schedule, and that I don't care about weather he made 6 dollars or 9 dollars in tips that night, and that complaining to me about a raise isn't gonna get him one.
Soon after Joe came Thomas. Thomas is the one who does my job on the weekend. Now he works my shift on the weekend and the 3-11 shift 3 nights a week. Now this boy will not go home for anything. I have never seen him leave before 1 AM. This boy gets off at 11PM. Why the hell is he still at work 2 to 3 hours after his shift is over.
Thomas can't comprehend that I am not his friend, that I don't want to hear his flimsy rationalizations for stalking the weekend breakfast girl, and that I really don't want to give him the details of every sexual encounter I ever had.

Barb the breakfast lady came next. Barb is supposed to be at work at 5:45 am every morning to set up the Continental breakfast that our hotel serves. (This only takes 10 minutes to set up)
So what time does Barb arrive every morning? 3:30 AM. 2 hours and 15 minutes early. Then she proceeds to turn the lobby television up ungodly loud.
Barb thinks that I know everything about her job, that I order the food for her kitchen, and that I can shit tables.
We have 6 long tables in our hotel. The meeting room layout given to her requires 7 sometimes when both of our meeting rooms are full.
Every time this happens she comes up to me and expects me to somehow come up with an 8 foot long table. Every time I once again nicely explain to her that I don't have any tables, and she will have to make due with what she has. Every time the food gets delivered to her kitchen she comes to me with some complaint or question about it. Every single time I tell her that the owner of the hotel orders the food, not me.

Then finally there is Vern. Vern is another van driver. He also has a case of "Won't go home for any damn reason". Vern is off at 11PM but he doesn't dissapear until about 1 or 1:30 on average. But he doesn't even go home then. If Vern can find an empty room in the hotel he will stay in it. Sometimes he doesn't go home for weeks at a time.
Vern doesn't realize that I don't want to hear 2 hours worth of gossip about hotel employees (that I have never met because they work the opposite shift from me) every single day.

I could understand it if these people were riding the clock. But they aren't they all clock in and out at the proper time. I have checked.

They all seem to think that I simply have the answers to everything.
I just don't know how much longer I can put up with these people. Can you just go up to someone and tell them, "You are really sad please change"?

June 1, 2001

Today in the chatterbox I got a blank /msg, from a level 1 user. I checked out their homenode. I said hmmm this looks familar. Sure enough it was Jesi. The girl I have been dating. I am so happy that she has taken a liking to E2.Things have been working out with us a lot better than I ever dreamed when I wrote my first daylog about her.

My whole self image has really changed a lot in the past few weeks. Jesi is the main reason. I hope she gets a warm welcome here on E2. So far her first 2 nodes have been downvoted. But she is still new. I am sure she will do much better after she gets the hang of it. She is great like that.

It really is exciting to finally be with a girl who is actually interested in something that I like too. Jesi I know you will read this, so good luck here. I will help you whenever you need help. I hope we can get together this weekend. Hopefully we can make some new daylog material.

June 24, 2001

The trip to Kansas was not as fun as I had hoped it would be. Our friend, (Josh), that we were meeting didn't get there until 11:30PM. So we proceded to the supermarket to get some beer. That is when we learned the horrible truth about Kansas. Liquor sales in Kansas stop at midnight, even on the weekend.

So we make a mad dash back to Missouri to try and buy some beer before the 1:30 am cut off that they have there. We make it just in time

The rest of the evening was rather uneventful, except for Dave that is. About 3:00 am Dave comes running out of the hotel room bathroom. He yells "Superman" and dives onto the bed. The bed being cheaply made promptly falls apart. We managed to cobble it back together in the morning. But it is gonna fall apart agan as soon as someone lays down on it. I am just glad that the room wasn't under my name.

July 19, 2001
The Incident with the shoes

I am about to do my laundry when I notice that my shoes have a lot of red paint on them, (overspray from the Double Dragon arcade game that I have been refinishing). So I toss them in the washer.

A bit later I toss them in the dryer, (I set it to 15 minutes on medium heat), and go back upstairs to watch tv with my roommates. About a minute later Tammy asks, "Whats that noise". I tell her it is my shoes in the dryer. Her and Ryan start freaking out about my shoes being in the dryer. They tell me that my shoes will melt, and that I am going to break Tammy's new dryer, and that their dryer doesn't have a medium setting, (it does). I decide not to fight it and head downstairs, (even though both myself and my family have stuck shoes in the dryer for over 20 years with no ill effects).

I am taking my shoes out when Tammy calls downstairs, "I don't want your shoes in my dryer". I yell back upstairs, "I already took my fucking shoes out of your dryer", (that is very out of character for me). Now I am angry, not at Tammy, (she has always been wierd about stuff like that, I am used to it), but at myself.

I realize that I don't really own any of the stuff in my house. The washer and dryer belong to Tammy, (along with the vast majority of the furniture). Ryan owns the Stove, fridge, microwave, and all the TV and stereo equipment. What do I own? I will tell you what, some second hand furniture, and a bunch of computers.

I would always go with them when they would buy all this stuff for the house. Sadly they would always go out of my price range on things, so I am never able to contribute, (they both make quite a bit more than I do). When they decided to buy a television, they picked out a Sony Vega with a price tag of $1000. I couldn't afford $333 to own a third of that, (thats a weeks pay for me). So they bought it without me. So now it is their television, (which I am reminded of everytime I ever want to watch anything they don't like). It's like that with everything in the house. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like home. I have been slowly trying to get some things of my own for the second story of the house, (my floor), but it has been slow going because of my limited income.

July ?, 2001

Last night I had sex for the first time in almost a year.
My roommates convinced me to get off work and go to this big outdoor party. (It took quite a lot of convincing since I wasn't really going to know anyone at the party).
We got there and I just couldn't get up enough courage to talk to anyone. So I stood around drinking and talking to the three people there that I did know. After a while my 2 roommates got into a big fight and left without telling me. While my other friend Dave had wandered off in some lame attempt to cheat on his wife.

So here I am all alone with about 9 beers in me.So I do what any other self respecting guy with Social Anxiety Disorder would do. I freak out. I end up sitting in my car crying softly. I can't leave because I can't find Dave. I can't get out of my car because I am freaking out.
After about ten minutes this dark haired girl about 19 years old comes over to my car and asks me whats wrong. I tell her. She seems very understanding. 20 minutes later we are making out. Then Dave shows up at the car with the best friend of the girl I am with, (weird Huh). We all leave and go to my house. The girl Dave was with, who turns out to work with my roommate Tammy, (curiouser and curiouser), changes her mind about Dave so he goes home.
Cut to upstairs, everything was going smoothly until I realized I couldn't find my emergency condom. I actually had to leave the girl in bed and go get some, (thank God I live directly across the street from QuickTrip).
So I ended up having sex with her 3 times before she went home that morning. (I was quite surprised at my endurance since I hadn't done it in so long).

I can't say that I am truely interested in this girl. She really isn't my type at all. Which I figured out talking to her the next morning. I guess I will see her a few more times so I won't be a jerk, but I really don't see anything happening between us.

My self esteem though has done a complete 180 degree turn around. I feel great about myself now. I don't seem to be scared of people at all now like I was before. Ryan, Tammy and I went to Jack in the Box for breakfast, (after the girl went home). As luck would have it my Jack in the Box girl was there. Ever since I moved into this neighborhood I have really had a thing for this pretty little red haired girl who works at the Jack in the Box.
Today I was actually able to talk to her. I even gave her my phone number.
I was surprised to see that she called me as soon as she got off work.
Talking to her I found that she was only seventeen years old, (my guess would have been 19 or 20). So it turns out that she is a not really an option, (I will be 24 pretty soon).

But these 2 events so close together have really pounded into my head that I might just be alright, that I might find true love someday.
Just 24 hours ago I never would have believed it.

August 8, 2001

The following is a verbatim copy of a letter that I just taped to the door of my two roommates, (after they had a big fight). I am quite drunk as I am noding this, so editors feel free to fix any spelling errors that you see.

I am very drunk when I am writing this. So It may be hard to read.

Hey, both of you!

Don't throw away things so fast. There are some people who look up to you, ya know.

I consider both of you my family. I live with you, I see you everyday, you are my family.

It hurts me to see my family fight. It hurts me to see my family argue. I look up to both of you more than you will ever know.

Ryan, except for your violent tendencies, you are exactly the person that I strive to be. Tammy, I look up to you. I only wish that I could meet a girl who loves me like you love Ryan.

I know that love comes easily for both of you. Well it doesn't come easily for everyone. Some people, (me), lay awake at night wishing that they could have what you have.

Ryan, you have had Melissa, and Meilissa, and Tammy. Three girls who loved you. Three, thats right three. Three chances at happiness. While all I can do is stay awake at night and hope that Katie loved me. You know what? Half the time I am not even sure If Katie ever loved me. While you, (both of you), sit and complain about the other one. Not even realizing how hard it is to find true love.

Ryan, lets talk about Melissa and Melissa. As far Melissa #1 is concerned, I loved her from the start. I did not feel that I was good enough for her. So I pushed her off on you. That was wrong, I can admit that now. My feelings of inadequacy started your relationship with her. You gave her your virginity, once again. I am sorry, Melissa #1 should have had my virginity, and not yours.

Yes, I kissed her. On two occasions, (not counting the infamous game of "Suck and Blow"). I did not mean you any ill will, I was only looking for the love that I had never had>

As far as Melissa #2 is concerned. I fell in love with her slowly. While you were falling in love with her body, I fell in love with her mind. In the end neither one of us was right for her. When you broke up I tried, I tried so very hard to get her to love me. But Melissa tossed me aside like so much chaff, (like I am so often treated).

I never kissed Melissa #2. I know that I told you I did. But it was a lie. I hoped somehow, that by me saying that it happened, that it would become a reality. But you can rarely talk something into being real. I know that now.

Know, lets talk about Tammy. She is the first girlfriend that you have had in years, that I was not interested in. Don't get me wrong. I truly believe, that Tammy is wonderful, just not for me, but I think that she is perfect for you. I am not going to deny my jealousy. I am quite jealous of your relationship with Tammy. But what I am not jealous about is Tammy herself.

She is all yours. I would love to have someone similar to Tammy, (who loves me like she loves you). But I don't wan Tammy herself.

Tonight I got in the way while you were fighting. I won't deny that. Neither one of you will realize that you are my family, and that what happens between you affects me also. Neither one of you wants to realize how lucky you are. You have each other, while every night for the past six years I have gone to bed alone, wishing, praying, hoping that I would someday have someone to wake up next to.

So before you break up over something stupid, think about me. Think about the person who lives upstairs from you, who only wishes that he could have what you have. All I have is memories of Katie. I don't even know if she even really loved me.

Don't throw away love when it is right there in front of you. It is harder to come by than you think.


Love,
Paige

After rereading this letter when I sobered up, I decided to leave well enough alone. So I took it off of their door before either one of them ever got to see it.

10:23am

Today I am not in a good mood.

Interesting that (I find) it is alway easiest to node daylogs when I find myself upset or annoyed. I usually resist this impulse, as I know, I hate reading through really annoying 'whimpery' daylogs. But today you can all suffer - preferably in your jocks.

Should I tell this faceless E2 all my sorrows? will it help? or should I just blithely go on remaining silent, yet grumpy. Yeah, that sounds good. I can then continue to scowl at work colleagues, and cringe when the boss walks by, proving to him, that I am daylogging and not fixing that fucked beyond repair Solaris box, that I said we shouldn't have unplugged in the 1st place.

I think (even though it's only Tuesday) that I will head to my cousins and play with the bees down there again this weekend. That should give me something to look forward to. Yes. it does. Immensely.

raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens. brown paper packages tied up with string. these are a few of my favourite things. cheered up yet? no? hell knows I am! Julie Andrews where are you now? - perhaps that's the problem with the world today, we need Super Julie, the singing ex-nun, to come and take us (well me) across the mountains to Switzerland, so I can end my days, in a happy family reloading bullet cartridges. Hooray.

11:38am

well things can't get any more exciting. The buildings security went off, disabling everybodies swipe cards, and locking all the doors, to all the areas. I have been stuck in the computer room for an hour. I hate airconditioning. Wonder if I'd be able to get out if there was a fire.

atleast whilst I am stuck here I can't do any other work...

12:27am

I got bored, and hungry. I broke the door to get out. Nodoby had even realised I was in there, so they were a bit surprised at the computer room door flying open. heh :) small amusement there on my part.

The house is empty but for I and the gentle hum of my computer.

Today my SO has gone back to work after his two week long holiday. In two weeks I have become so used to his presence in the the house, that having him gone again is mind-numbing. The house is too empty, too bereft of his company. And this after only two weeks. I know I am lucky in that he will be back tonight, indeed he will be back every night after work. This emptiness will not last forever, and shall be over at the end of the day.

To those of you in long-distance relationships, I sympathise. If one day is emptiness, many months must be pain. Simple, exquisite, bitter-sweet pain.
May you all be with your loved ones again soon.

So I moved house on the weekend just past. After almost two years living in a pretty slummy part of town, we've moved up the hill to yuppie heaven hehe. Well, maybe not, but I have been amusing myself with that little fantasy, walking around our new digs as if I was Ricardo Montalban. The new place rocks hard. It was built by an award-winning kitchen designer, so the kitchen is absolutely to die for. And anyone who know's my dirty little habits at home will understand what a happy little Vegemite that makes me.

My new kitchen is a splendid vision in cobalt blue and honeyed timber. The range is a gas Smeg with a wok burner. Oven is electric fan-forced, sink is deep and wide and double, pantries (yep, I now have two pantries) are huge and exceedingly ergonomic, with little halogen downlights that click on when the doors open. Workspaces are deep and well surfaced. What else to say, but this is the kitchen (almost) of my dreams. I'm just so inspired to cook my best in this kitchen, which makes Gemma pretty happy all round!

The rest of the house is nice, not too big, with two bedrooms (we like guests), and another room for the office. The bathroom is almost as distinctive as the kitchen, but all sharp angles and geometrics. The garden is okay, but without a nice lawn, which being spring in the Southern Hemisphere, should be easy to rectify.

The move itself was fine, if tiring. I've spent the past fortnight packing boxes, so by the time the removalists arrived on Saturday morning, we were pretty well prepared.

In other news, Sneff came to Canberra to visit on the weekend (ack! terrible timing!) and we only had time to catch up for a coffee and a cake in Kingston. I'm looking forward to having some sushi with him and Dr Evil in Sydney on Friday night..

Now, what to cook for dinner tonight!

Daydream Visions

I woke up with you
In a house in the woods
on a dirt road
with memories of past lives.


"Be careful of all those people."
She cried the advice
From her car, driving away.

I blew her a kiss,but she didn't see.
Shadows spiraled around my feet as I walked away
face first into the stiff night breeze.

I'm following instinct into the forrest with tears in my eyes, and my feet bloodied and raw. I'm tromping through the underbrush, I'm launching through the atmosphere.
Just imagine the blue sky above the forrest canopy. I feel so alive, so close to the earth. Voices from dream-life derail my train of thought, giving me sweet memories.

Now I'm in bed, and the day is over, and I wonder what I did all day. Sometimes, when I'm ready to sleep, I forget the significance of my actions.
It's daylog time, time to assess your situation, Miles, make tomorrow mean it.
It is another day, like and not like all the others. The nihilistic thoughts of erasing all my information in my homenode, massive self nuking of weak wus, and the intermittant depression and elation constantly bite my virtual ankles like some pixelated pitbull.

Is there comfort knowing other uncalloused artists have been hurt, too. No, I just feel more pain. How can text or the deletion thereof cause any pain at all? It is alive, it doesn't want to die, but entropy is part of the Universe, and E2 is now a microcosm of it.

If I did not have footings deep in bedRock, I know how truly insane I could be...I have dabbled in that deafening, swirling undertow of that brook in my youth

"I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now..." thank you Bobby Dylan
When specifying today's date with ISO format (20011002, see date formats) or American "short format" (10022001), today's date is actually a palindrome.

This is happening for the first time since December 31, 1321 (13211231/12311321). The next time is January 2, 2010 (20100102/01022010).*

(Yes, I have too much time on my hands...)

*) Disclaimer: I figured these ones out quite quickly, and there may be others I haven't thought of. Please /msg me if you find I'm wrong.

Everything2 grows frustrating and more every day yes?

Toasterleavings where are you with your wisdoms? I fucking suck and am needing them bad, yes.

Yes yes yes. No?

I removed my name from the list of mentors yesterday and today I added my name to the list of mentees although as of my writing I have not been assigned a mentor. I'm the coolest mentee there is, G. It seems that as I stayed the same e2 has changed and that I am not aware of these new protocol and procedure that are necessary for survive. No I do not write normal like that but trying hard to stay whimsical so I don't piss off okay???

Why does e2 hate on deaf people with the lyrics?!?

Yes, yes, yes. Today I wrote a node about telemarketers in a metaphorical fashion as I was trying to share a universal experience.

I mean telemarketers call us every day trying to sell us aluminum siding and to let us know we have a bill due in six months and to harass us but we all know it is only because they love us, and I was trying to express this. But either I did not express it well or I suck because it was nuked because it belongs in a daylog or so he say.

But yes we should return the love and tell your local telemarketer live from sweden (even though you live in Atlanta or somewhere that is not anywhere near sweden) that you love them for caring and for checking up on you even if they are too busy to leave a message because that kind of dedication is rare to find in people, yes? Granted you cannot pick up the phone and call them this instant but you know they will give you a ring, lovey dovey.

Sad sad sad the world is today. Soon we go to war and blow things up. Fun but not Funny is killing people or fighting wars and even then it's only fun until someone starts shooting at you. It's like Up Front that comic that they had during World War II yes? No. No war is different and it will never be the same because we don't fight wars like they are wars. They are gigantic media spectacles that introduce new terminology like incursion and body count and saturation bombing. Questions of National Will and we will only fight until America stops caring, not like it matters that we protect our citizens as long as everyone gets elected and has a cupcake.

China Beach sucks but actually you know Ricki Lake was not that bad looking in it, really. Why did they ever give her a talkshow? Sleeping her fat butt to the top I assume. Hey I would do that too because when you are fat you release more endorphins or whatever that chemical is that gives you pleasure during the horizontal polka than if you are skinny. Hurrah for fat, baby.

Soon the world will explode because the speed of light is slowing we all get crazy. Thank you have a nice day.
Update I am happy because the editor in question apologised for his nuking because he realised his nuking as perhaps unwarranted even though he had no reason to apologise because really we all have off days and off moments which is perfectly natural and normal and he just made an honest mistake which is perfectly natural and stuff and hes a cool dude and stuff and I am enjoying my poor sentance structure spelling and grammar thank you But I annoyed another editor because My browser was going crazy and I was asking him all sorts of dumb questions like "Does e2 do this" and he was like "NO OF COURSE IT DOESN'T OMG ARE YOU DENSE?" because I was asking variations of the same question over and over again although i didn't realise it and oct is japanese for something or an abbreviation phonetically etc. and I was like "yes. :(" But I realised my err and apologised because i'm a silly silly fool. Thank you goodnight don't let the sex monsters bite.
Update I have recieved my mentor he she is metacognizant and one of my first problems is making assumptions yes? She is very nice and helpful and writes good poetry to boot. Thank you and as nrub etinifni says, "GOOD DAY SIR."

I've tried talking with so many of the people I know about this new War on Terrorism. Instead of becoming a flag waiver, and instead of having antiwar sentiments, I've just been sitting in front of my television absorbing information while watching CNN. And then pondering how things will play out over the next few weeks, months, or years. And so far whenever I breach the subject with someone, they've gone off on a tangent that didn't really deal with the aspects I'm so curious about.

I called up Zoe, this really cool girl I know, and started talking about it with her. For the first time today I found someone whose thoughts and curiosities about the whole situation were perfectly in tune with my own. It was as if we were one person speaking a monologue on the subject, and just kept alternating between each few phrases.

Some people are more concerned about the issues surrounding how Muslim Americans are being treated in reaction to the attacks. Some people are more concerned about the issues of how safe it is to travel or have fun in a big city. And still others are more concerned with the nastiness of collateral damage that would result from waging war on Afghanistan. But I'm more concerned about the social and political situations that made these terrorists feel the way that they do, and am finding myself pondering just how intricate and difficult of a solution we'd need. And I think about the consequences of whether or not the solution our government goes for is adequate enough to solve the problem at its root. It seems like Zoe's thoughts are exactly the same, and I'm thoroughly impressed by that.

My father had a heart attack today. Thankfully, it wasn't fatal, Though he isn't out of the woods yet. Tommorrow morning they're going to do a cardiac catherization. If there is only one blockage than they're going to do an angioplasty (sp?). If there is more than one blockage though... they're going to do open heart surgery; something that I'm not sure that my dad's in good enough shape to survive.

When it rains it pours

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