It was really nice having a day off yesterday. Gave me a chance to regroup and think about some things. I did not sleep well last night. Every day I take a B complex vitamin along with a regular multivitamin called Perfect Calm. When I take this combo I have energy coupled with more stable and better moods. Yesterday I experimented with a new multivitamin and while it probably works well for others, it doesn't work for me. By the end of the day my fingers were cold and numb, my mood was low, and I was exhausted from not doing much around my apartment. I had a lot of trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. I had a nightmare about being in a store like Menards or Home Depot and being stopped after I supposedly was shoplifting/vandalizing things. I could see two people arguing, a store employee and a cop, one of them said I hadn't done anything, but the other insisted I be detained. I can't remember what the other dreams were about, but they weren't good either.
Jane fell asleep before Jill got home. I had her shower, she laid in bed playing on her phone and when Jill came home she was fast asleep. I let her stay in bed, Jill went to bed early and I ended up sleeping on the loveseat which probably contributed to my poor night's sleep, but hey, those are the things you do when you're a parent. I've been thinking about dating and relationships quite a bit lately. I'm a high maintenance person who needs a lot of affection, attention, and affirmation. I get frustrated by things and need/want support from other people, but I'm also learning how good it feels to be able to give that to others. Before the game I sent the guy I like a couple of messages, I didn't hear back from him which wasn't surprising since I know how busy he is this time of year. After the game I sent him a short message saying it was a bummer that they lost and left it at that. Shortly after that I went back to bed assuming I wouldn't hear from him so it was a nice surprise to wake up and see that my support had been well received.
If there was one gift I could give myself it would be the gift of patience. Far too often I'm rushing through things, into things, and away from things that failed to go according to the vision I had in my head. Sometimes I complain when I talk to my family and friends, I want more communication and reassurance from him, but, by sticking around, being more patient (it's a constant struggle), and setting what I want aside I've made great strides. He isn't ever going to be as much as I want, that's the reality of the situation and I understood that going into this. I offered to leave him alone during the postseason games knowing that he would be swamped and his already limited time would be further restricted. When I didn't hear back from him on that I went ahead and sent him another message. I'm glad I did that. What I learned from the exchange was that I need to tell him I'm taking a break or give him the break without saying anything to him about it.
He doesn't expect me to check in with him and I would like to be the kind of couple that starts and ends the day with a quick 'hey, how's it going' or even a simple 'good morning' or 'good evening' type thing, it isn't going to happen. His clock is all over the board depending on which country he's in and I've learned to adjust to how his mood fluctuates depending on where he's at and how his trip/stay at home is going. He trusts me with things he doesn't share with other people. I've earned that and it makes me feel good to know that my willingness to sit back and let him be is paying off. I get frustrated when others tell me I should see other guys or that he isn't making me a priority. Sometimes I feel like this isn't enough, but then I remind myself of the three people in my life who continue to support me in this relationship, two of them who are in baseball and more familiar with his job and the demands it makes on him.
The truth is he is always going to be busy. My mom and my manager at work are busy people. They get things done. I'm not the person to turn to when you have an exhaustive list of things to do. These worker bees are those people. I support and encourage these people and put organizational systems in place that make their lives easier. I cut the noise ratio, remind them of their value, and help them laugh to break up the tension that can arise when people don't take the breaks that they need to restore themselves. It's been great to hear that he's going to museums and treated himself to a banana split when he was out in DC. Even something as simple as getting some ice cream can give someone a chance to sit down and enjoy the sweetness that life has to offer. At work I try to give myself little mini breaks throughout the day. Even walking down a different aisle or visiting a different department can be that reset I need to dial back and create distance between me and the pressures at work.
Periodically he makes comments about how far I've come, last night a girlfriend of mine called and we had a chat about our past lives and compared them to where we are at today. I was a miserable depressed wreck at this time last year. I lived in constant fear, I had sky high anxiety, I was living in a home my ex owned that had been sadly neglected. I was out of work, spending irresponsibly, and headed for a stint in a mental hospital. Last night I read something about goal setting. While I can't remember each step, there was a thirty day commitment to whatever goal you were trying to reach. The article advised starting small and building. Get out and start walking if you want to run a marathon, save one percent of your income if you want to amass more savings, small and sustainable steps that you can ramp up and track. I paid some bills and wrote them in my new planner. It was tough to take my old calendar in to work, I may take it back because it helps me write things out, but I could do that on plain paper at home. Sometimes having the visual helps. I don't know how this will go, but I'm excited about the future and anticipating a great day at work today because I'm mentally, physically, and spiritually prepared.
Praying this finds you well,
J