A sprawl of a suburban center bordering Lake Ontario. According to a reliable source, Oakville, Ontario is also the only city in North America, that is, the only municipal center with a population of 100,000 or more in the United States and Canada, that is not in debt.

It's also the town (we Oakvillains don't prefer to think of our dear little village as a "city", though it technically is) in which I spent my beyond-awkward adolesence as an expatriate American. And yes, I did live in a massive home.

Famous Oakvillains include Rob Zamuner, erstwhile captain of the Tampa Bay Lightning and member of Canada's embarrassing 1998 Men's Olympic Ice Hockey team. Jamaican immigrant Donovan Bailey, who broke the world record for the 100 meter dash at the 1996 Atlanta Olympics (since bettered) and won the gold medal for Canada, also calls Oakville home. Subsequent to his victory, he has had a street named after him in the town, been picked up on drunk driving charges, and been injured very frequently.

The PGA's Canadian Open is played at Glen Abbey Golf Club, Glen Abbey being an Oakville neighborhood of droves of look-alike houses. Upon entering Oakville from one side of town, you see the outline of a monk swinging a golf club on a typical "road sign green"-colored board that proclaims "Welcome to Oakville. Home of the Bell Canadian Open". I still don't know why there's a monk on the damn board.

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