I’m pretty sure that like many other delicacies in the world of fine cuisine, Nutraloaf must be some kind of acquired taste. Even though its ingredients are easy to come by and aren’t seasonal in nature (See recipe later in this write up for further details) you won’t find it listed on any menus nor will it be prepackaged in the fancy or frozen food section of your local grocery store. You can’t even order it from any of those gourmet catalogues.
In fact, the only place that I’m aware of where Nutraloaf is prepared and served with any degree of regularity is within the confines of most prisons and even then it’s reserved to a relatively small number of elite “clientele”.
Who qualifies for Nutraloaf?
Well, it certainly isn’t the prison guards or any of the other staff that find themselves behind prison walls. Nutraloaf isn’t even on the menu for your average everyday inmate who’s just trying to serve their time and return to the outside world as a productive member of society, Instead, Nutraloaf is reserved for those special few among the prison population who have been deemed in the eyes of the authorities as “fuck ups”.
How do I become a fuck up?
Ha, that’s pretty easy. Since most of the inmates sitting behind bars have a lot of time on their hands to kill there’s a myriad number of ways to become a fuck up. I’ll start with naming just a few of the more popular ways in which you may lay your claim to fame and be provided with a steady ration of Nutraloaf.
1) Assault a prison guard or any other member of prison staff.
2) Pick fights with other inmates with little or no provocation.
3) Stab another inmate with your handy dandy spork
4) Start hurling feces and urine around as a form of protest against the conditions or raging against “the man
5) Start using or selling illegal contraband within the prison walls.
6) Just about any other type of rabble rousing behavior intended to stir up your brothers in arms
might also get you a steady diet of Nutraloaf until you realize the error of your ways.
Okay, I’m a fuck up, what happens next?
Chances are you’ll be hauled out of the general population and put in some type of isolation. That’s where you’ll have plenty of “me time” to reflect upon yourself and ponder the error of your ways. You might get some time in the yard to bask in the sunshine and behold the wonders of nature but must likely you’ll be taking your meals alone.
How do I eat my Nutraloaf?
Lets just say that it’s finger lickin' good. Your ration of Nutraloaf will be served to you with no utensils and instead of a standard prison tray your Nutraloaf will be slipped through a hole in the door with nothing but a napkin to keep it company. The rest is up to you.
What is in my Nutraloaf?
Like most foods, Nutraloaf ingredients are probably dependent on the region of the country where you’re doing your time. I can’t account for all of them since that would be too time consuming and still wouldn’t be all encompassing. Here’s just a sample recipe for your average run of the mill recipe that I found (not sampled, thank God) while browsing around the web.
6 slices Whole Wheat Bread, chopped or torn into shreds
4 ounces Non-dairy grated Cheese
4 ounces grated Raw Carrots
12 ounces canned Spinach, drained
4 ounces Seedless Raisins
2 cups canned Great Northern Beans
4 tablespoons Vegetable Oil
6 ounces Tomato Paste
8 ounces powdered Milk
6 ounces Potato Flakes, dehydrated
Mix all that shit together and plop it into meatloaf pan. Bake it at 325 F for about 45 minutes or until it longer sticks to the side of the pan. Slice it into serving portions.
If you’re successful, the final product should come out looking something like this
What does my Nutraloaf taste like?
A more valid question would probably be “What doesn’t it taste like?” Under the United States Constitution there is a requirement that states that prisoners must be fed. There is no requirement that says that what they’re being fed must taste good. From other sources via the web (none of my personal friends or acquaintances have tried Nutraloaf or if they did they ain’t telling) I read accounts that said it was bland and was akin to eating a brick filled with dirt. These accounts also said that it sat in your stomach like said brick and made one lethargic. It was also next to impossible to take a dump following your meal or even the next day.
How long do I have to eat my Nutraloaf?
Well, I guess that’s up to you now isn’t it? If you promise to be a good boy or girl I’m sure the powers that be will try and get you back on your regular diet of prison food as soon as possible.
There have been some law suits filed by and on behalf of inmates that claim that the use of Nutraloaf violates the terms of the Constitution and is in fact, cruel and unusual punishment. To date, none that I know have been successful.
Folks, if having to eat that shit isn’t enough to keep you out of prison then, well, all the more power to ya.