The nice record lable guy came by three times for me twice when I was out adn once when I was mad stoned and should not have answered the door but he said "Bad time" and I said "Yes", even though I was dieing to know what he wanted, and he took off with a smile. So I went to see him Saturday. I got to see his in progress studio (all the equipment was old but he had mastering equipment and a big board so I was impressed (he also had the Casio 1o1 or something that was the first polyphonic keyboard synth so the equipment geek in me was asking questions and he was like I really dont play with the gear anymore, im to busy. thats his line, im busy, whihc is probably true) and he showed me how he is going to build the room for the singers and that kind of stuff. He has a studio here and one in Barbados and helps run a lable in England/Europe. So he has heard a tiny bit of my stuff and whatnot and we start chatting and he starts talking about how he has more production work then he can handle and wether I could do that kind of work. We are sitting in this studio and he is trying to gauge me and Im like focusing on the best way to come off but I went a little to honest into kind of self doubting.. maybe .. a bit. So we chat and he ask me if Im intrested and Im like for sure. Things are going good and he starts talking about what I would need to be able to do and how is my arranging. My arranging is pure garbage. So i say its what I work on the most. Then out comes the reggae christmas album and he tells me what I have to do which is make two carribean style christmas instrumental tracks by friday. That will be tough I chuckle but I will bust my ass and get it done I tell him. If its good he will put it on the compliation they put out every year from the barbados album. Now I knew he ran a caribbean lable that did this but I also knew he did garage and house and thats kind of what I was hoping for. I know this will happen for me through him if I can first prove that I can do anything by making a chessy reggae christmas track. I know its a test and maybe he is desperate for a christmas track but anyway you look at it its another break for that I cant blow. Im very far away from making a Carribean Christmas track, I have no idea how to do this. I will have to call in sick this week. Things are good otherwise, the aparments good and Im so in love with Monika. k,.

The aurora borealis took my breath away tonight.

I'm not that far north: Edmonton, Alberta. Because I'm in a city, the natural light does take away from the natural beauty of the nighttime sky. It's unfortunate, but I can still see the stars and constellations I used to imagine flying through. When the northern lights do show themselves, it's rarely any more than a green-orange throb in the sky. This evening, 10:00 PM or so, was much different. A friend had just left here, after we created a couple of characters for Rifts. He was out the door maybe twenty seconds when I heard him knock again. He came in, and said in an urgent voice: "You've got to come see this."

I looked north, and I saw the normal green. Then, I looked northwest.

The sky was red, like blood, as far as I could see. It was not the average sort of purplish light the city gives off. It was an iridescent red, swirling and ebbing like a tide in the sky. The heavens were bleeding, it seemed, casting a strange red glow to everything. The houses in my neighbourhood were red, the back of the corner store was red, my storm door was red.

By the time Trina was off the phone, it was gone. I was disappointed I couldn't share it with her. I hope it's there again tomorrow night.


Do you ever have a day, where you think you might just explode?

This afternoon was one of these times... It's not like I really know why I felt that way - it's not in my nature, at all.
But standing in the 3rd floor conference room, with barely any personal space, looking out at the rain pouring down
outside, I was struck with an incredible urge to just run...hit the lift to the ground floor, head outside, and let the rain
soak me.

I wanted to be totally alone, in that space, and just fucking scream.... I wanted to take on the storm, to believe that
the simmering madness inside me at that time had the power to make even nature tremble. I wanted to explode,
with force enough to tear my very existence apart.

Instead, I stood inside, with everyone else watching the Melbourne Cup. I let the incessant chatter cut through me.
I endured the fake laughter, the pathetic jokes. I stood in a room where it wasn't ok to feel lonely, wasn't ok to feel sad.

Everyone had to wear a hat...

And all the time, I had a song running wild through my mind...

In the face of the fire,
You see angels conspire
Will they hear your desires
Will they stop your soulbreaking
Could they stop your soulbreaking


(The Tea Party - Soulbreaking)

Maybe these days, I'm scared to hear my own desires...
I'm not feeling too well today. Exhausted might be a better word for it. I've been studying for my Psychology and Microeconomics midterms. I'm not worried as much about my Microeconomics but my classmates seem to depend on me for some answers on the study guide. Flattering to say the least, annoying on the other. The amount of typing that I've done today made me feel that I'm one of those infinite monkeys in that weird infinite monkey theorem. In that case, at least it might lead to something useful after the end of the day.

I studied until 6 in the morning, with the fog on my windows forming, as I breathed close to them. As I was about to head off to bed, I spilled my one liter mug of ovaltine all over my notes. Infuriated, I stomped off to bed, without cleaning up. I woke up at noon, only to see that the mess has spread all over my table. Took me 10 minutes to clean but the idea that almost fifteen pages of handwritten notes have to be handwritten again angers me to new levels. I quickly showered, changed for work and headed out for a quick lunch.

Lunch went quickly, with the crappy Chinese food from RPM swallowed almost whole. On my way to work, some jerk on a cell phone while driving almost hit my car and had the nerve to finger me. I was thinking at the time whether I'm like that when I'm driving. Its been a really crappy week, and I'm simply not in the mood.

I got to work, and I didn't realize that I had a bottle of ASA in my backpack. Being deathly allergic to it, I placed it back when I got to thinking. What if I was no longer allergic to it? What if it simply was a childhood allergy that I grew out of? So I did what any simpleton would do and took 2 aspirins. I had a migraine anyways. Either way, I win. I don't get sick, I get rid of my migraine. I do get sick, I miss work, midterms and get to chill in the hospital for a while. Either way.

My manager called me up to his desk when I got there. I was wondering whether a customer complained about his/her infernal Ikea lamp. He sat me down and explained that my hours will be further cut down to almost 8 to 9 hours a week the coming holiday season. Great. More great news. With the holiday season coming up and a holiday that I've been saving up for a while, I either have to give up my meager nightlife, composed of drinking slurpees and playing Counterstrike or my cell phone and the internet. Another extreme measure would be to simply get another job but that's not an option right now. More great news.

4 hours later, and still I was alive. I guess it was a childhood allergy, or I simply didn't take enough. That's okay. That will be done for another day. I studied throughout my breaks, when I realized that Jennifer came to work. I'm simply astonished at how attractive she is, but today, the demeanor that she displayed was less than energetic to say the least. I don't say much other than say hi and offer her a mentos. She smiled politely and I walked off. Freshmaker my patootie.

Almost quittin' time, I took my last break. I stood outside, simply pondering life's little questions. While petty to some people, it wasn't like that for me. It's simply so much easier to believe that the world is a much more complicated place or that other people have more difficult problems. My problem isn't the fact that I don't understand that there are bigger problems in the world but rather that I simply don't care about other people right now. I headed down to swipe out when Jen came up and told me to chat with her. So I took another break, during company time of course, to talk to her. I tried small talk but to no avail. The direct method worked as she simply told me that she broke up with her taiwanese boyfriend recently. Thinking that she had an affinity for caucasian males, I kept my surprise inside. I played the role of listener while paying attention to the eye contact and body language. My childish hopes simply elevated to unreasonable heights and I walked her back to the returns desk. I finished my work, and headed off to the car.

Outside, in the cold, I saw some asian guy with flowers. I thought it was her ex-boyfriend. Damn. I simply bowed my head and looked up at the sky. It was like that Kodak commercial. Everything just looked perfect, like the parking lot. I picked up my sisters, and we picked up my mom. We came home and I studied for a couple of hours.

My buddy Kalabaw, or Water Buffalo in English, asked me to talk to his dad. He simply needed my "assistance" to speak to his dad about impregnating his underage girlfriend. I've been there for him in high school, when he ran away, got ditched by his friends. His dad seems to have a respect for me and he's gonna use me as a tool. I suppose. I don't feel much about it anymore.

I seriously hope that there isn't much else that can go wrong this week. I simply rather not have to deal with this negativity. Lashing out isn't an option at this point in time. First my friends believe that I'm going out with someone because I didn't tell them who I was going with (which I realize might simply be an overeaction on my side), then some of my friends suddenly stopped calling. I can't call them simply because their parents won't allow them. I don't know what else. I'm ranting. What else is new. Screw it. I'll downvote this thing myself. One good turn deserves another.

Silence can mean more than words....Day can be engulfed by night....The solution?....Say nothing at night....
Another day, another node, but I guess not really. See I have been doing some thinking about the time that I spend here on Everything2. I mean is it really worth it. I don't know many people here, none I would call my friend, yet I am still drawn here now and then.
I don't have the best writeups, I mean how many of mine have been the cream of the cool, the best of the best? How many times have I seen one of my nodes on Cool User Picks? I can count them on one hand. It is then that I realize that E2 is not my home, I'm just passing through.
This time last year
In the basement of a small computer company in Manchester, a bored work experience student is bored of testing devices and is following links on Slashdot.
What's this? Everything 2? Let's have a look.
The student carries on looking and creates a new user. The rest of the day is spent reading nodes instead of being productive.

And so I was hooked!

Today
Woohoo! I'm 1 year old today.

I
    A pink post it note on my son's door read:
    Car insurance is due September 9th. $249.00 Love, Mom
    Number One Son waving the note in the air, What does this mean? You want my money signed 'Love, Mom' ?
    Mom: I'm making meatballs will you be home for dinner?
    Number One Son: I have to work tonight, but save me some!
II
    The pink post it note on my son's bedroom door said:
    Car insurance is due October 9th. $249.00 OX Mom.
    Number One Son, Why are you billing me now with hugs and kisses?!?!
    I have fresh steaks in the fridge for chicken fried steak tonight or tomorrow.
    Mom asks with a hopeful smile, Will you be home for dinner?
    Number One Son; I made plans with friends already tonight and work tomorrow. Make sure Dad leaves me some!
III
    Number One Son demanding I call Dad and ask to borrow the van for a road trip. Quite puzzled I encourage him to call and ask. No! he replies adamant. Call him to show him that you trust me enough to drive the van !!!
    Mom brushed it off as plain silly.
IV
    Number One Son calls from work, I want to talk to you when I get home tonight!
    Mom, I'll be up.
V
    Number One Son If you really love me call Grandpa and ask him about the van.
    Mom, I love you so much that I trust you as an adult to call him.
    Number One Son frustrated: Why don't we sit at the table and have dinner anymore?!?!
    Mom: You're busy working and going to school ....begins to cry I really miss you!
    Number One Son , Don't do that Mom!! Oh great..... now I've made my mom cry!
VI
    White chalk on the driveway this morning announces:

    I love you Number One Son !!!
    OOOXXX Mom

    (Insurance payment is due November 11th, $299.00)

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken.
~ Isaiah 54:10
It's okay to check and see that you're still loved.

Devotion

I find myself sitting in a lecture where the world expert is extolling the uses of Fourier analysis in Information Theory...

My mind is wandering, and I get to wondering:
I'm thinking how amazing all this mathematics he's scrawling on the OHP foil is and how powerfull it has been in building our technologically advanced world
I ask myself:
How easily could the sum total of human knowledge and endeavour be lost forever?

It's scary really - Imagine that overnight, every book and hard drive in the world was robbed of its content (or imagine a comet hitting the planet if that sounds improbable).

How much of the total of all esoteric knowledge, the applications of which we take for granted in our day to day lives, could we possibly reconstruct from the memories of the people who are left behind?


And then it came to me in a flash of inspiration: We might still have Everything. So I guess that's what we should aim to make this: a repository from which the sum total of the knowledge of mankind could be rebuilt.

So... all we need now are nodes on How to build a bridge across a 1km wide canyon or How to build a computer...
Time for me to get noding!
What a crappy way to end/start the day. Last night I got home after a long and frustrating day at work to find that the apartment still resembled a sty. My SO, (whom I love very much) was asleep on the bed. Now I'm a messy person by nature, but coming home to a sink and counter full of dirty dishes was not fun. I bashed around a bit, muttered about going to the store to get some milk, and left. I came home and nothing was done. In fact, the love of my life was still on the bed asleep. So, very pissed off I started doing the dishes, bashing and clanging things around. She came out and thought I was mad because of my car, which had clutch problems.

Oh, I didn't mention that?

When I left to go to the story I found my clutch now only works if it's pressed really hard into the floorboards. It would still go, but it was not "Good". It seemed like the clutch was always partially engaged, so putting my beast into gear was... not easy... possible, but only with lots of cursing.

Going to work this morning to take it in to get a scratch from a while back repaired as well as the clutch was fun too. I had to push it out of it's parking spot because reverse was not an option. Neither was first gear... I'm glad that it's a nice powerful engine that starts off nicely in second (which was painful to get into as well. Downshift? I don't think so. Luckily the body shop has their own mechanic and they can replace the cylinder (or whatever it is) easily. Not incrediably cheaply of course, but it'll be done. I'm glad the clutch didn't go already, it's only a '98!

As far as work related news goes, it looks like the bug I've been bashing my head against a wall with is a 'too many files open' bug. Just have to figure out what's not being closed properly. Thank you lsof!

I am sitting here at work ftd'ing (a derogatory shortened version of fucking the dog - and also, don't take that in the literal sence please) and thinking about a conversation I had with my aunt last night when I realized how pointless the whole thing was. (I am wishing how, that I had let her go so I could have went outside to look at the aurora borealis that Devon was trying to get me to look at.)

We were talking about christmas gifts, and what she is going to get my daughter. As she lives out of town and we don't see each other so she sends me the money with instructions on how to spend it.

To make a really long conversation short, she wants me to buy my daughter a tricycle for christmas. Now, here is the thing... I live in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada and winter is right around the corner. Our winters last about 6 to 7 months long, so in retrospect, this gift would be pointless to waste the money on. She would have to sit and just look at it in the basement for half a year, and by the time it is nice enough outside that she could ride it - she would be to big for it!

What I want to know is, does my aunt forget how quick children grow? Or how long our winters are?

I don't know, I am a little bit at a loss for words about this. So if any parents could /msg me with possible solutions on going about approaching this aunt to try and change the gift, it would be appreciated.
it's been a long time since i can remember being both this nervous and this excited all at once. Ok, honeslty i'm scared shitless.

I've suspected for a goodly time i would follow the path of a wiccan priestess at some time in my life. I just didn't realize it would be quite so soon. I thought i'd have longer to prepare, to adjust, to reach a point of study in which i found myself possibly worthy. But i don't have a choice, really, anymore.

If i'm following this path, ever, i start now, or i never do. I've ... been made aware... that by this time next year, by next samhain, i need to have achieved at least first degree, if not second degree, on the Path. I'm not positive, but i have the feeling if there is to *be* a public ritual next year i may have to get all muddled up in the middle of it. I may not, in the end, need to do the public ritual at all. Not sure yet. But regardless, i need to start down the path, and now.

I've been doing some preliminary work... i've been studying in books for nearly a year and a half now, i participated in an energy workshop last year. But these were always headed at a nebulous someday. This summer i bought a crescent moon circlet, that still sits on my altar. I wasn't to wear in in public to ritual until i was priestessing it, but it was for me to wear in private works, and to have as a goal to reach for. This was still a faroff maybe though. Suddenly it's become solid.

I'm nearly qualified, already, through my time and studies for a first level already. I've been 'cramming' as it were at a site called witchschool.com ; they offer a series of lessons and then tests, and offer upon completion ordination (if you wish) into the Correllian Nativist Wicca tradition. At the moment i'm not sure i'll take the ordination or take one in another wiccan path i prefer; it's more of a self-test to prove to myself i'm ready before i go seeking a mentor or advisor. I don't quite know where to turn for that, most of the people i'd ask are not interested in mentoring right now, and i don't want to make a huge fuss and make this widely known until i've completed it, or at lest gotten a solid start.

I took one other 'concrete' step last night. I applied for an ordination by the Universal Life Church. Scoff if you want, "you are ordained online, that doesn't count you idiot." What people think is irrelavent; this ordination gives me the LEGAL rights my ordination in my own religion does not always provide. Most branches of paganism are given dubious legal rights at best, varying from state to state, but mostly slim. As a pagan priestess, i could not nessecarily perform a legally binding handfasting in most states. But with a ULC liscense, i can perform the same ceremony in our own way that is sacred to our tradition, and then be able to also fill out the paperwork that legalizes what's already bound together in soul. Almost all pagan clergy carry this second ordination to give them rights of legality.

I'm doing productive things. Somewhat. I'm also, at the moment flailing. It's a lot to process in such a short amount of time. All of a sudden someday became NOW!, and i'm just a little frightened. But i'm heading where i've been aiming all along. We'll see where things go.

But wish me brightest blessings... i'm gonna need them.

Let's see...

Today, November 6, 2001 will be a day that shall go down in history(mine) that is.

I wake up as usual and of there are three things I think of right off the bat.

First of all, she means so much to me its not even funny, not that infatuation is usually funny except maybe in those wacky sitcoms on TV. "See you in my dreams", she said last night. Amazing, just amazing. Moreso is the fact that she is even my friend, the first person of the opposite sex that I have ever been true friends with, I have a feeling this will eventually end in pain...I don't like to think that even for a moment.. but it probably will end that way, and it makes me so sad to even think about her moving out of town, dying, or just not caring about me anymore. That wont ever happen I keep telling myself, it's impossible, just impossible. I compliment her whenever I get the chance, I cherish her, I treat her like a queen, a goddess, yet I am still insecure of how she feels. I only find a shred of re-assurance in the fact that we will ALWAYS be friends, maybe I should feel more than that at this stage...but I don't. I cant blow this chance, I know I will always care for her no matter what she does, that leaves me so confused...

It's November 6th, and its already really cold. I guess it was my own fault I didnt bring a jacket. Maybe winter will soon be upon me, than I can go skiing.

The people at my school seem to think its OK, and almost required for them to be total jerks. It's either that or I am just so god damn nice that its not for my own good. Then again, if you know me, and aren't her you know I'm not nice to strangers. Bah, so people stand in the halls and get in the way, but they are all transparent..only one thing is on my mind.

her.....sad isnt it? I dont think so.

"I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams…." (Hamlet)

So I thought about watching one of the latest versions of Hamlet again tonight, while doing my laundry. I wonder how much of my neurosis could be quelled if I might somehow manage a bit of lucidity while dreaming. Instead of the world going up in flames, instead of spitting all of my teeth out into my cupped hand, I could just sit by the damned ocean with a margarita in hand. Or have my boyfriend kiss my cheek and whisper all of the beautiful words he writes to me every morning by way of e-mail.

6 a.m.: Up for coffee and a jog; 8 a.m.: off to work; 11:30: lunch with Caren, my close friend and fellow writer.

Caren and I discussed the latest indictment of three kids in town who brutally murdered a girl in the woods. They tortured her for days before she died. In the pictures the paper took of the two men (both sentenced to life), one boy was grinning. A sad, twisted mass of flesh is how he came across. Caren was greatly disturbed. He’ll be tucked in among the roaring dead, I said. She got that and wanted to laugh, but it’s difficult when you have images of bleeding youth stuffing feces and garbage into a dying girl’s mouth. Those were some of the details we at the paper learned, unfortunately.

So that probably will not help my dreams tonight.

Mother called and said my aunt has a brain tumor. They will operate soon.

My fish, Soma, is watching me as I write this. Oh the irony.

Maybe I just need something to make me freaking laugh right now. Phil will be calling later, and The Daily Show will be on soon.

Little things you hold onto when the world is trying to kick in the door for 500.

Today wasn't too bad of a day. I had no actual classes; I spent my day studying for my Organic Chemistry class tomorrow. It's over reactions involving alkynes and other fun stuff.

I also had a Phi Eta Sigma meeting tonight. It was uneventful, like it normally is. I went to H.E.B. to pick up some food and spent $33.

I also had a work meeting, where I wasted 30 minutes, listening to a boisterous woman talk about mindless things.

I'm listening to Art Bell right now. I think Coast to Coast is hilarious, and I really enjoy the program.

Daylogs are damn therapeutic

Say what you will about them. I'm not pretending that daylogs are the best things on e2. I somewhat fit the profile of I don't Daylog but I'm Daylogging, most of what I daylog is angsy bull or stupid happy stuff. I don't like diaries. I don't know why. I think they're against my religion, to tell you the truth. Samudaya and all that, though I'm not sure that's a good reason.

It feels good to get it out. A diary puts something on paper, but there's something about sharing that makes you feel better; I suppose that's why people talk to psychiatrists instead of fairly interesting walls. The only real difference is that the wall won't say "Mmm hmm" while it's doing its crossword, and the wall probably wouldn't overmedicate. Daylogs are a happy medium, like a wall that will arbitrarily assign you some arbitrary numeric value that you can pretend means something.

I am stressed. It is 3 in the morning. I need to get out some frustration in a somewhat meaningful way that no one will really take too seriously so I can go way overboard on what I'm feeling. Ahh... I'll write a daylog.

i just wanted to write the goddamn paper and go to bed. i feel like i've got sandbags under my eyes now. hours ago, starry and i both signed off to get some goddamn work done. i hope he got something done. so, instead of me getting work done, captain mollie drops in to regale me with wild stories and try to convince me that i want to help her ST her dark ages tabletop game. bullshit, man. i just *retired* from my ST post at the friday game. that should say something, i think.

anyway, she goes away, and two of three come by. ok, i should go back...one and two are married, and until recently were dating three. so one and two come by to relate the news that they have left three. or that three has left them...i'm still trying to figure out which. anyway, the problem, as i saw it, was that three was just too immature to handle a relationship with anything that wasn't a highschool boy. *sigh* shit happens.

found some cure posters left by my former roommate. ate some really good cheese. $10/lb imported jarlsberg from oslo. lord knows what posessed me to think i could afford even the half pound i bought, but damn it feels good to eat good cheese.

for some inexplicably sick reason, i have written my 23rd sonnet. i guess i just have good inspiration lately. thanks, love, you're a real muse. and i mean that with both hands on my guitar, despite the fact that i have to say it with both hands on the keyboard. no one's inspired me to any worthwhile creative effort in a good many years. when it gets too cold to hold a pencil, i'll warm my hands on thoughts of you.

ok, sorry... i've got my brain back under control now.

so, off i go into the mystic ramblings of walter hilton...

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