My Dad has been here with me since Tuesday evening. And, It's slightly
different than it ever has been. I can't quite put my finger on it... but
I think it's that I have a life this time. I enjoy having him here but..
there is so much else going on in my life I want to run out and hang with
And, I also feel a little odd because, I keep running over to my computer
to see how some of them are doing. Are you surviving your "vacation"?
Have you had a chance to spend any time with your man? And what about
you? Where are we? Where are we going? I feel like there is
something you are holding back from me. It's like when I ask you about what
happened there is a piece missing... Do you not want to hurt me? Are you
ashamed of something you thought? I fear if I don't see it what friendship
we have will just fade away and I don't want that. No, I won't forget, or
pretend nothing happened. This has changed things, and we can't deny that...
but we can figure out what it means, what has changed, and move on.
There are my friends IRL who I seem to talk to as much here
as there. I think about katyana and the way dizzy makes her smile and
I really hope they will be happy. I hope they can find a way... because
it would suck if they couldn't, in so many ways.
I asked a girl out, she said no to a date but yes to still hanging
out. And that makes me smiley. But, at the same time, I keep thinking about
the last girl, the one I couldn't have, the one I fell so
hard for. Not as much as I used to but someone asked me about my last girlfriend,
and even though she wasn't one, it got me talking about her and I almost
started crying again. I don't think I even said much but just thinking about
her left me sad. Why does loving someone have to fuck with your life so?
I guess because, if it didn't it, wouldn't be worth it when it worked out.
I wonder if I'm ready for another girlfriend right now anyway. I know
I want one. I miss being held. I miss being loved.
I miss having someone to send flowers to or hang out on
the couch watching bad movies with. But, much
as I try not too, I keep thinking of her. Which is good in a way, because
she means so much to me, and I dearly want to keep her friendship. But,
at the same time... I ...I don't know.
masukomi shakes her head and goes to bed.