Drunken Rambelings - a look into teenage angst in Greece
So I started again. Its been a while but the pressure is too much. I don’t know what I will say in school tomorrow. Just bullshit? probably. Maybe I will just break down in class? Maybe my parents will see, but its not that big. A N on my shin. Small. I was too tired to do more, and worried about them seeing. It felt good, just being there, in control, knowing who was the one who could fix all my problems. I cant smoke, and that’s ok, but this feeling of longing for the life in Greece is too much. I thought this would not happen again. It has, and I’m fucked because of it. I miss everyone and everything I had there. I only did this once and a while there, and only in the worst times. Now, it almost feels like I have been trying to avoid it, but life is hell here. My dad is home more, and he is an ass. He doesn’t understand how fucked up this is for me, and no one really seems like they can do anything for this. I mean, its not like I’m helping, but am I expected. Fuck it, I just cant control anything here. At least before I could walk, I could drink, and I could smoke. I had control of myself, but here, there are people to stop me from all that shit. Fucked up place. Never again, for two years, feel the cold nights air fill up in my lungs along with a cig. Never again will I know what its like to drink socially in a park, with friends, with no worries or fears. I cant ever feel happy knowing im in control, because here I’m not in control, they are. Everyone is in control except for me. Its fucked but true. This is my life, ending one minute at a time.
as I went back to bed, I take another drink, and it reminds me of memories of Issadora, how we drank those bottles of vodka alone. Red Bull and Vodka. Life as I knew it. I loved every moment. You were fun, you talked, fun, bullshit, interesting. Talking about horses, an hour one night! fingered outside, in front of thousands of people... sitting there with Mel, and them... me with Mel... ugg...
Well now I’m back, because one good memory deserves another. he told me when he gave me the flask that it would make 8th grade math a lot more fun. Little did I know it was true. He was, and is an alcoholic. Maybe I am too? He was the scary husband of my best friend. He would come home, and I would hear them argue, she was my first love... and I thought I was the one destined to be with her. He was steeling her away, so maybe I wanted to be more like him. Now I see he is cool, we dress the same now, maybe I went a little more overboard, or maybe he just got older... two kids now. It does make school more fun. Like now, when I don’t want to think about it, it lets me chose to be ignorant. Fuck school, I really don’t need it, so why do I stress. I really wish those weights were off my shoulders. I hate this heavy load, which is so easy for all these fuckin’ preppy kids! I hate the way I am behind. At least give me a B, but no. If it was a test, I could do it, but why all the homework. I could never do homework.
Homework, hell focusing, its a bitch. I have friends who play RPG's, my moms response to me saying I cant focus is I can look at a computer screen for hours. I try to do things, I have the knowledge, but I need to do 5 things, and rotate, or it doesn’t work. RPG's take hours and I can never do them, or at least not quickly. I get bored and move on to the next. I will never be able to specialize. I taught my friend to play 10 games, he is the best in Greece at 1. I can play 10, I can win none. Fuckin’ concentration my ass. I cant do anything im told, its like I just say no, and block it out. Its fucked up how teachers will just write you off, a lost cause. I’m an ass, and I would do the same to me in a minute, but who the hell is to say that its right or wrong?
I have always been against expulsion, but I wish they would just expel me for not doing the work, because the pressure is too much. It hurts. All over, it hurts. I can d ...
All over, it hurts. I can do nothing but let it take me. I lose things, and I’m trying to get them returned, and I bought it, and its coming... but we have to bring it up in class, at the start of class no less, that really makes me do well in group de-fucking-scissions... I cant do this... its too much... but I refuse to simply kill myself because of school. I can live in pain for two more years, because there will be better times ahead. I can just get some fucked-cheap-ass-job where I get paid some crap wage, and re-stock clothes, or books, or CD’s, or movies, some retail position where I can get by. I cant handle any more because it is too stressful. The stress fucks me over.
Melissa and I were at this cafe by a movie theatre with tom and this other girl. I was making out with her, before those 3 went to see a movie. it started at 1 so I wouldn’t be anywhere near close to the time I was supposed to be home. fuck it. So I was just with her there, while tom was being quizzed by this girl on his Greek. He didn't know any of it, he honest to god didn't know a word, when 'aeroplana' came up I actually got up from the couch and was like 'its a fuckin’ plane' I went there with her every night for 2 months before they went to see movies. I really liked it, just being with people who were totally accepting, and mature, older. More fun, drank, smoked... my kind of people. tom is re-taking year 13 and Mel’s at Uni’... how’s she doing I wonder? I’ve got to email her.
Jasmine was just a fucked up bitch. Probably looking more for problems than the number she actually had. She wanted to be different and ended up the same. There is only one thing I could ever learn from her, and that’s a strong will to succeed, she was always like 'we need to work on our relationship'... Fuckin’ 2 years older, went out for 9 months and I don’t think I ever kissed her. It was like, 'lets work on it, through the phone.' maybe partly my fault... I was kind of nervous with older kids, but then I got to know her friends and was more comfortable with her... at that point I met her friends and found I liked other friends more. all I have to say is 'boo back' I really want to love you right now Yaz, just so I can hold you like I never could, watch QOTD, and repeat all the lines. I really was into all that stuff you talked about.
Lou, wow, Lou, you really did a number on me. We never went out, I was your 'best friend' right up until you called me your best friend, then we barely talked. I ruined the island apparently... well big fuckin’ sorry. Wish you could say it to my face though... or maybe just tell me to go back to my room, or go to some other club... I just didn’t want to ditch you when Angie went off with various guys, I wasn’t really all that close, and if any guys ever did come and dance with you, I left, so sorry. Fuck it. I was never anything close to Luke status with you.
Jess. well I just miss you more than the world. So many stories. So many good times.
So many fucked up times
So many times
Maybe I will try and write it all down. no sleep tonight.
So when it first started, the first day of school no less. For me, anyway. You did the play, the lead... and I was just like, wow... she’s amazing. I wonder if she is in my grade, and of course, I had no glasses, and no clue. So I was like, maybe... but wow... she must be really popular, probably never going to meet her, it doesn’t matter, I’m sure I will have friends. Then, I was really just expecting rejection.
So, the next day I noticed you on the bus line, and I was just jumping with anticipation of finding what bus I was on, and 'FUCK' not with you :( I was just a shy little fuck, so shy that I even was nervous asking the bulldog what bus I was on. The whole year I just spent the last 2 minutes of school sitting there, standing there, playing football, whatever, but wondering who you were. You were in none of my classes, I had never been introduced, and it was all fucked.
so, it took a whole year, I mean wow. I went into forensics because of the recommendation of Ms Ricopolis, and I loved the idea of it. I was going to do something with Steve V, but instead ended up with Dorina, and it was shit because of me. I was bad in both, that other girl (the girl who went out with mat last year) was way better. oh fucking well.
So on the first night, Fives and I were fucking around, talking and shouting to some girls that we thought were from another school (misjudging the distance) and calling one in particular a 'jumpy bitch' which later turned out to be you.
The next day we were sitting on the stands of the basketball court, and you came over to me and asked what I was listening to: 'new system of a down CD' totally fucking scared to death because this hot girl was like talking to ME! and I was just like all shaky and you knew exactly what it was called 'steal this album?' 'wow, do you want to listen' 'sure' and there we were. That was the time and place...
I talked to you (with Alkisti) the whole rest of the time. Helping you prepare for the oral interpretation, spoons, coming up with strange and bizarre ideas. Just generally attached to you, glued to you, and the whole time, in awe of the fact that the beautiful girl was talking to me, and I was interested. And you were interesting, and fun, and crazy. I just wanted to stay there forever. I still do.
Until that dance thing the third night we just talked and bullshitted, and you were 'showered' and it was fun. That third night, we walked all through the school, with Alkisti because, I assume you wanted her to be there, and because she was not a very dandy person as well. we found the bus, and we talked, James came, and I experienced him for the first time as well. He was talking about religion and BS that did sound surprisingly from an Izzardesque stand-up routine. I don’t know.
So we took the long bus ride home, and you and me and maybe James were the only people to stay up, with Ali constantly waking and yelling, Mrs. Moran being sick, and all that other shit. You were, and I say this as fact, not possibility, a long necked white sweater kind of thing that curved over on one side of the neck... you were incredible however you dressed. I got your number, although I think I pushed it and you didn't really want to give it to me. but you did. I still know, 6942423079. Spoon girl/Snutte depending on Alkisti/me. I was just crazy about this girl... I didn’t learn how to spell her last name for around 14 months, but I was crazy about this girl, everything about her.
So we went back to school, and at this point I had been switched to your bus, and one day I decided to sit with you, and that was a fucking mistake. I was just like all nervous, I had been planning on doing it for a while, and when I did, it was just crazy. You instantly said I could not sit beside you. it was 'your bags seat' and I was just like, 'well if that’s not a signal what is?' but I couldn’t not stay around you, you were you, no more no less. And that was all I could ever need. If I threw away that chance, I don’t know what I would do. Maybe have gone out with you some other way and broken up, maybe never spoken to you again, so I came back. Day after day. And you just played with me. You knew I would do anything to be with you, and it was fun for you, and I guess it was fun for me too, but with me it was because of feeling. I don’t know your motives, maybe the same, but maybe that’s more of a fairy tale for me.
so after that, one time we decided to go out to Kiff and meet. We met, although I’m fairly sure you were running away, probably a scary fucking memory for me. You honestly were up the block, and I saw you. You were going to leave. You wanted to leave, and that scares me to this day. You were dressed in black, boots, act. same as you wore to rock wave. We ended up going to that cafe a block down from Everest hidden away. I never went there again, except when, well we’ll get there soon enough. But we did that, we went to metropolis, then you left, we took the bus part-way home. I lived closer.
so the next thing we did other than the busses must have been that first movie. You me and Alex. My first time meeting Alex. kind of scary at the time, didn't expect to see someone dressed... well like her. Matrix 2... reloaded? It was ok, so, and that was ok with me. I was going to see this movie with you, but more of a you and Alex, and I knew it was not anything near like a date kind of thing. I was just happy I could spend time with you. I now wish I still had that. So I met her, you went home, then I called my dad, I waited a while, but I called after you had gone so I could spend as much time as possible with you.
So, we spent more time on the bus... summer... And then we went out with Alex again. She had come back. We met at the Kiffisia platea, and we went to get ice-cream and baileys. Then you almost killed me, and I seriously couldn’t breath for a while, but I was faking it at the end. I thought you were going to kill me when I started to laugh. Then cigs, then Mc Donald’s. Alex wanted me to teach her to smoke. Damn, you don’t need to learn, you need to teach yourself. Glad she doesn’t smoke cigs much now. That’s always good thing. I just wish I could feel the same way. But that was all fine and good.
The next thing is what got me so happy I could fly, and at the same time where you killed me. We were going to see the Matrix Revolutions. And I was so excited. I just was hyper. I walked from Kiff to village myself to see it, got there an hour early. Just so I wouldn’t be late. I had a few beers... gain confidence. and we saw it. I was holding your hand, and you let me. I was just like holy fuck! There was some preview for Lord Of The Rings that looked good, and you wanted to see it. Never saw it with you though. Then we watched. There is one point in the move I remember, and its where the oracle points to the sign above her door and says something, I asked you and you replied 'ill tell you later honey' now I see you say that kind of shit all the time, but I was like, 'did she just call me anything other than Chris?' and she is holding my hand, and what the fuck, and I was just like 'this is her, the girl on the bus, the girl at the forensics, the girl that I have always wanted to be with, holding my hand' so we walked around that building by village once, said goodnight, and took a cab home. The next day I was helping my mom out at the school, called you up, no answer, tried a few times... needed something to do as an excuse not to help out... so then I gave up, no 1 else was around. a few hours later I got a call from you. I was 'not your type' you 'didn't think this would work' 'there is someone else' and I was just fucked. I left the school, I walked along the road, the same road we would later walk along when my cheap attempt to hit on Danie failed, and I was stranded, no more Mel, no more Yaz, just girl 1 girl I wanted to be with, and nothing left in the world. I walked to Mc Donald’s, and thought about you and Alex, I walked to the cafe, and thought about you, I walked to the place I ate the sandwich that was way too big and you had ice-cream... and thought of you. walked to Nea Eritrea, and thought about matrix, took a taxi back to village and thought of you. Saw a movie, and left. Fuckin’ devastated.
we were both in the play, we talked on the phone about forensics a few times, you made a few of your bull shit promises which I personally think killed me one at a time. You told me that you 'wanted me and were sorry' which was not an example of one of these promises, but the promise that 'you would go out with me by the end of the month, and that you were going to make out with me on that wall,' both were. You killed me long before you failed to do these things, you killed me by saying you would. So we talked, that’s all. I talked to Danie, and she was fun, so I figured I would see what she was doing at some dance, and saw her, and she was way too 'nice' to leave. You weren’t, because as you told me later you felt sorry for me. So you walked with me, an hour, just fulfilling my ability to be with you. So I went in later and we danced. Fuckin’ wow. I was amazed, but I was so down on the whole situation, too many ups and downs that I couldn’t take another one. I just said it, 'your fucking with me, aren’t you' and your response 'yes'... not that it got anywhere. We just walked and later danced then it was over, you thought no more, only maybe less of me after that, although you say it could have been a great night. I ruined it again. not that there was anything to ruin.
Then what was left was forensics. you had convinced me to do forensics when you had made me think there was a chance. There was none. I was stuck with James and I was not going to be an ass to him like others may have. I told him I would do something, and I knew he wanted to do it, so I did. I went to forensics, I had fun, and the first day, I saw you do your speech. But more important than seeing you do your speech, you held my hand. You in fact, held my finger, with your finger, as the person before you read a speech about blonds, and as you had the same judge as your brothers old principle. You held my hand. You squeezed my finger, and it made me feel like I was here for something. I couldn’t do it. I couldn't handle that shit. I went to a friends party and passed out. Next day, I lay with a concussion and broken nose as I waited for my oral interp and duet. Duet went well, and the day was the day in hell. I loved not Louis, but I couldn’t bear to see him hit on you. There was nothing I could do. He was like the coolest kid I knew, and I honestly couldn’t even open my eyes half the day, not because of pain as you may have thought, but because I was afraid. He was great, and so you. I was me. and you had already told me that was not a good thing. So the day past. The next day I came the closest to being James at one time that I ever have, and I don’t want to write it down. I was also at one point, resting on you, and you on me. Watching them compete. And watching the judging. fuck I thought I had a chance. Well at least we saw Alex win. He was god. Not me. So that was all.
There was that thing that Kosta and I set up some speakers at the school... little kids were in water act... sliding along the plastic... that was crazy... that was when you thought Costa Hadjis was hitting on you. Which I actually can see how you may get that. (btw he and I are really close and he thought we were going out, and was trying more to see what you were like from that angle) but that same day I met G for the first time. we both had apparently had some relation (i.e. friendship or more in his case, don’t know) with you, and were kind of hesitant talking about you with Angie and Lou... who had different opinions of you at the time, can't remember why. Or something. Nice guy...nothing special... and if what he says is true, he hated me from that moment :p so well, fuck him.
Well I just was starting to need someone at this point, and started turning to Mel, who I was with a few times. I just couldn’t feel anything and it was all fucked
We went to Olympus, or wherever. I barley talked to you the whole time, I didn’t at all actually, different busses. I just listened to a few of my favorite songs that I could think about you listening to. After, Well, I met your brother... scary... A few weeks later a second time... That was good... piggy... good food.
We went to rock wave. You were amazing. We held hands. Francesca freaked, but on bus rides it was just something I couldn’t stop doing, playing with your hands. And I was just like, this is over, because she just said 'Chris, you know that’s Jess right?' and I let you go, your brother came. And that’s the last I have been in physical contact with you.
I lied. Jeepers Creepers 2. You held my hand, sarcastically squeezing it at scary parts. I knew it meant nothing, and almost believed I felt nothing for a while, then got pissed, got drunk and each night for a weak swore at you down the phone. I hate myself for that. Sorry.
I guess since if you did read all this, you should know something that I have never told anyone... consider it your reward. I lied to you every time you asked me if I was a virgin, but it was when I was 11 and he was 11. We were both just kind of curious, and he was sleeping over. And I don’t know who wanted to try, maybe me, maybe him, and I don’t know, I just wanted to know what it was like, I didn’t really understand sex, and he was doing the best he could, to reenact what he had seen on TV. As did I, everything. I don’t know, It was just the thrill of the moment, but he fucked me, and I fucked him, and maybe I have just been fucked ever since. Fuck it. I’m just fucked. Fuck. I said it, I typed it, and now it can never go away.
I once said to Lou I had something to beat the shit in her life, something that fucked me up... it was after a fight with her... I think... that was it... but it never came up again, and it seemed like all the other shit that was said that night was BS too.
So now I’m going to try and get some sleep, laying here beside your name, go forth and multiply!
I guess the only question left is if 'this single bed was meant for two' was a reference to G or me?
That will haunt me.