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Time: Wed, 15 Nov 2000 00:20:54 GMT
Everything server: Apache/1.3.9 (Unix) Debian/GNU mod_ssl/2.4.10 OpenSSL/0.9.4 mod_perl/1.21_03-dev
Number of nodes: 751118 (686 new since November 14, 2000)
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New Nodes: [Niko Mchumba Ngombe] [another addition of small poetrysmile] [August 3, 1999] [Geometry is Replaceable] [August 2, 1999] [The Soccer War] [Potatory] [Fentanyl] [Kansas City Bomber] [It's Funny, but Not Very Creative] [November 14, 2000] [my favorite chemistry joke] [Geometry is Replaceable] [The Real Deal on Marijuana] [Oralet]

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JeffMagnus node count: 4045 (3 new since November 14, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience: 9740 (16 more since November 14, 2000)
JeffMagnus experience to node ratio: 2.408 XP per node
JeffMagnus nodeshare: 0.539%
JeffMagnus node of the day: E2 server facts

so i do want to write, always, i want to write new worlds and create lives that are not too entirely like (or different from) mine. i am not sure what to do with myself or anyone else for that matter. there are things too far beyond my control.. why do i need to control anything, i wonder. perhaps this less than firm grip i have on myself and sanity in general is just weakening as of late.

so i layed on my bed and stared up at water'y ceilings and sang along to the same song over and over until i could write something.

you are home now but i do not feel any comfort in your presence, instead i am just worried. i know you will have trouble staying still. i know you will hide things you shouldn't.

i am not so tired.. i am just in need of things that i can not have right now. it seems to manifest itself as exhaustion..

make it go away.

did you know, that upon reaching a certain
level on e2, you will be prone to receiving
more cools, but less votes overall? i think
it is true, perhaps.. kind of peculiar how
such stuff happens. fortunately, most people,
upon reaching a higher level, have decided
the experience system doesn't mean anything
anyway, and what might be complaints are simply
idle observations.

..

bless the weirdos

November 15th in history

Events:

Birthdays:

In other news, it's not the 15th yet here, so I think I'll try and add more tomarrow during my digital photo class.
11/15/0 @ 10:28 MST
So sitting in my digital photograhy class, thinking about life, everything2, and everything else in the world.
<bre> is not a valid tag
So... love, life, e2.. What's it all mean? I'm sick of the election crap, make them fight to the death, make nader VP (not to be confused with JP). Class is starting again, we had a short break for caffine and nicotine. but that's over now. We're learning how to use premire 5 or something. I plan to use it for my final project, not sure how well I'll learn all this before then, but we'll see. Anyways, people are all over te place AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! -doug

I received this message today in my email inbox:

xxxx says Congratulations Dr Tan!!!
(name struck out to protect the innocent)

While this is not the official report as the board of examiners has not released their final report yet (due on November 28, 2000), this was from someone close to someone on it (well, sorta, but if I told you who it is then I'd have to kill you).

Woohoo!!! I passed! Thanks to everyone who sent me nice /msgs after reading my daylog for November 3, 2000 detailing the most stressful part of my examinations.

well, i just finished watching toy story 2, and might i say it's a damn funny movie! the out takes at the end are the best i think. i laughed more in the five munites of the out takes than i did throughout the entire movie. i laughed so hard that my checks almost went numb and my shoulders hurt. i love laughing that hard once in a while. funny shit!!

well today went well, i found out my score on my sociology test that i took last week... let's just say that i need to get a damn good score on my final to get a "B" in the class. i guess i cant complain too much, i mean the only reading that i did was a few of the chapter reviews, which dont actualy help that much believe it or not,and i didnt study my notes. i cant expect a grade above a "D" for basically not doing any work whatsoever. either way i AM gonna read this time which is what i'm actually about to go do once i'm finished with this.

which is not just yet....
so i talked to my girlfriend last night for just over three hours. thats a long time!! however it's just shy of my friends phone time record of 3 hours 45 minutes. so close and yet so far.
actually it doesnt really matter that much. we've had much longer conversations than 3 hours 45 minutes. we've spent the entire night talking before, and thats in person too; much more meaningful. now thats not to say that i dont enjoy talkking on the phone to becky, because sometimes that's all we get. anyways, i get to talk to her tomorrow nihgt, and am i excited? hell yeah i am. it might sound stupid, but when you dont get to see her for two weeks at a time, you tend to make the little things count more. anyways, study time..... ewww!!

back | days | forth

Am I being tested?

An email in my inbox asks me to write an essay, "do" some homework, write down some eloquent thoughts on my future. I can view this one of two ways: either This is a simple, harmless exercise, or I am under suspicion for some reason... My love for her votes for the former, but my paranoia votes for the latter. I am glad I love more than I feel paranoia

Angry Young Man

It is a sobering feeling, realising that you are oppositeantagonisticdifferent to a sibling. I've always thought that my brother would view the world in much the same way as me. But lately I have discovered that he is angry at the world, he is driven to succeed in some fashion; he is at war with others. He works 14 hour days when he is 19, he swears and curses other drivers on the road. He firmly believes that the car should be the highest priority in the world. He shouts at people who cross the road near him; he snarls and any kind of traffic calming measures he may encounter. He studies until late at night, snapping and arguing with our Mother when he becomes overtired.

Why is he like this? Doesn't he realise that all this achievement will be for nothing if he is just a shell at the end of it?

Tests...

The world is a series of tests for me; Can I be eloquent enough to allay my beloved's fears? Can I complete these GED tests to prove that I am worthy of living the hallowed USA? Can I prove to the US immigration that I should be able to live there? Can I find enough money to eat more than toast over Christmas? Can I find a better job here to pay off all these debts? Am I capable of academic success? Can I really live up to her expectations of me?

Sometimes I just want to be 15 again, hiding from the bullies by staying in bed, hiding from life by never leaving the house...

Forgive me for being afraid of the world

11:25 GMT

And now, to make my day even better: I have just been told to disconnect my workstation from our network because mandrake 7.2's KDM daemon seems to be continually polling our NT servers and causing all sorts of network grief. Sigh Wait for a few hours; I know I will soon be on an official warning from my Manager.

15:00 GMT

Well, in addition to KDM killing our network, the CUPS daemon that was installed was broadcasting large amounts of crap across our network; I do wish I wasn't being blamed for this - why the hell can't people realise that I fixed the problem quickly, and that it's the stupid default configuration of Mandrake 7.2 that is at fault?

fair warning: bitch alert! If you choose to read this, at least spare the -vote. Noone is forcing you to look at this...
4 weeks left of this pregnancy. God, it's taking its toll. I'm not online much lately, but when I am I stay as long as I can. This escapist behavior helps me to distance my head from my physical aches and pains. And speaking of distance... For as infrequently as I see my feet anymore, I suspect they're in another zip code now.

I had to go to the hospital on Thursday because I've been having bad projectile vomiting, chronic heartburn with acid reflux and major dizziness. I haven't been able to peacefully eat or sleep for several weeks and it got to the point where I was scared that my deteriorating physical health might harm the baby. I was taken straight up to maternity instead of the emergency room. The staff immediately strapped fetal monitors to my belly and ran an IV line into my left hand. The baby was fine, but I was seriously dehydrated. I was pumped full of two liters of electrolyte solution. Plus, I was told that I had some sort of infection. Oh joy! Now I take enough meds to choke... well... at least a chihuahua.

Well, I'm on the mend, but I'll be happy when this baby finally comes out. Right now, though, I'll just have to bide my time. Just keep me stocked with plenty of ice cream, ginger ale and PlayStation games and keep telling me it's all good!
Minor node tending:

Fairly good day, on the balance, due to adequate hours asleep last night. Techsports all day, as Claire is still on TurboLinux training. Told by PHB that a PR person has been appointed and that I'm likely to become some star of the speaking circuit. This was supposed to encourage me to stay -- it's effect, for anyone who knows me, is quite the opposite (I've always preferred the backend to the frontend). Drinks with Anjum, dinner, e2. Banal day, banal daylog. I really must get less sleep.

14:22

Grrr.

I have a flu. You have no idea how combination of smallish depression and flu can affect a wolf. =) =(

OK, so today I decided not to move about, I'm lazy and there are cooler things to do.

I'm now bashin' through mail.

That same "Sharon" idiot has spammed me again. A few times. =( Maybe I should set up a procmail recipe to junk that spam before my last remnants of heterosexual thoughts disappear. (The stuff they're offering was actually depressing. I kid you not.)

:0:
* ^Message-Id: <.*@flash219\.flashhost\.com>
possible-spam

OK, that's better.

19:34

(-2 rep? This writeup was at +1 last time I checked! The Daylog Death Squad is working again, or maybe I just plain suck.)

I had some hot blackcurrant juice, hoping this flu would stop bugging me... I surfed about, did some boring things, and then some even more boring things.

Such insignificant form of sickness... so great impact on productivity or coherrent thought. =(


Other day logs o' mine...

i only bother to open my snailmailbox about twice a month, as often as i pay my bills. earlier this year i signed up for the NRA, and i am proud to have done so. not because i necessarily agree with their politics on all issues, but because i am contributing to the image that it IS john q. public, your nextdoor neighbour, the girl you work with, who owns a gun and owns it responsibly -- for target shooting, skeet shooting, and home protection.

i'm not a feminist in any way, shape, or form. i've had my boobs help get me several jobs (not to say i'm not smart, i am, but some men care more about boobs than brains) and a myriad of favours over the years. and no, i don't consider this wrong. it's human nature. i am more pleasant, and go further out of my way for people who are appealing to me physically. so do most people.

so i wasn't offended (or even annoyed) at what i found inside a magazine that the NRA sent me -- but i could see the humour in it. mostly in how it could be misinterpreted by women who would consider themselves feminists and who don't support George W. Bush.

so not only was it printed on the front of the magazine who the NRA endorsed for president, but inside were bumper stickers. One said,

Sportsmen for Bush!
Paid for by the NRA

tee hee. sportsmen. i can imagine sending a soccer mom into a cardiac infarction over not only a sticker support bush, but one made by the NRA AND so obviously sexist. see, when talking politics some people are so gung-ho that these tiny little semantic things become reasons why the candidate is an asshole, an antichrist, and a reason to turn into a spitting raging bitch during an inconsequential political discussion with someone who doesn't share their viewpoint. using the term "sportsmen" becomes sexist, being backed by the NRA meaning he must advocate killing school children.

i see news stories showing people picketting in florida, facing off, bush supporters versus gore supporters. their faces are bright red and they're yelling at each other vehemently and with fervor. they think that because the people standing across from them didn't vote the same way they did, they're WRONG. "They're wrong, we're right, and ain't no one gunna change our mind." But they're still arrogant enough to try to change the OTHER guy's mind. And arrogant enough to think yelling and insulting will accomplish it. silly. they just need to realize they're all outside in warm sunny florida, having futile arguments instead of being at work. so, they may as well send someone for a keg, some barbeque and have a block party. just drop the politics, they won't change each other's minds, and move on to happier subjects more worthy of a public gathering than two potato headed candidates.

but back to the sticker, i'm going to put it on my car, but with a modification. it'll simply say,

Men for bush!

you can't really argue with that.

Wherein:
The Incomprehensibly Vast Machineries of Law Enforcement are Thrown into Gear,
and wharfinger Goes for a Car Ride with the Nice Policeman


I woke up this morning and fed the cat, and then the phone rang. It was Officer Mnmbl Nmblbl from the Harvard U. police, around the corner. He sounded pretty grim: "We regret to inform you . . ." and all that. We now switch to the present tense, the better to offer you -- our valued reader! -- a more compelling narrative.

"Well, I've got some not so good news for you this morning, Mr. Mcnmblnmbl."

Bummer. I just got a new car on Friday. Was it stolen? Did somebody ram it? What a hassle. Bear in mind that I'm not really awake yet.

"Uhh . . ."

"It's a green 2001 Mitsmbmbl, right?"

"Yeah, that's mine. Is it mine still?"

"Oh, yeah, yeah. One of our vehicles lost a hubcap and it scratched your car."

"Vehicle"! I love that. Well, at least the car's still there and mostly intact, but I imagine a huge scratch down the side, right through the paint. What a hassle.

"Uhh, bummer."

"Yeah. Well, you're at 50 Mumble street, right? Officer Mnurflnurfl's heading over there to pick you up and you can have a look at it."

"Cool. Thanks."

Okay, we'll see what's up with Officer Mnurflnurfl. So I put some clothing on and go outside. It's a beautiful day: Clear and sunny and chilly.

Officer Mnurflnurfl appears, lights flashing! He is cheerful and polite, recently a member of the Marine Corps. He's having a ball with the flashing light thing. I'm cheerful too, though not a Marine. I hop in the car and we drive a few blocks to where I parked my car last night. As we approach the spot, he tells me where the fateful hubcap came loose, and how it travelled: "It was like a rocket! I've never seen anything like it!"

"Cool!"

I can't see any marks on the car at all. We pull over and get out. He shows me the mark: A slight scrape on the left rear quarter panel, right at the bottom, behind the wheel well. It's a slightly pale spot about one inch by two, where the surface of the paint was scraped. I'd never have noticed it if they hadn't called me.

Well, now. These guys did the Right Thing, of course, and I'm glad they did. It's good to deal with people who do the Right Thing, especially on such a beautiful morning, and God knows they called even though I might have turned out to be some kind of a nut. But still: It's a tiny little mark. These guys have a lot of time on their hands, don't they?

So we exchange cards. Officer Mnurflnurfl writes down everything he could think of asking me, and he drives me back to my building. In transit, we discuss the weather. The weather's worth discussing this morning: We've had nothing but rain and murk for days. It's been like living in Mordor with orcs that say "cahh" all the time, but now there is light.

These Harvard guys have a lot of time on their hands. The Cambridge cops wouldn't have bothered. They'd just mutter "Fuck you too, buddy", and keep driving. They've got real problems to deal with.

Listen: A new car is fun, and this one is more fun than most. For contrast, lying awake at 4:00 AM worrying about the paint is not fun. I live in Cambridge. The car will be scratched. Why get all bent out of shape about the inevitable? Life is full of surprises. The tense of the narrative may change without notice. That's the way it goes.

Since I was late, traffic was light by the time I left for work, so I got to spend some time at 110 mph on Route 2. The scratch didn't seem to make much difference.

I cannot remember a day in my adult life when I have given less of a shit about what the day brings. I really do not care today. I had a completely idiotic examination today by a professor who is more interested in teaching literature than he is teaching sociology. What exactly DO short answers about similes and metaphors have to do with microsociology? I have no idea. I don't care. I don't care. Days like today produce college dropouts. Days like today make Columbine seem a lot more sensible. Where do I go and what form do I need to fill out to just resign from the human race? I want out of this ant farm.

On a more pleasant note my relationship turns 2.5 today. One thing is still OK. We're going to some fancy restaurant. I will be polite and not make it outwardly known that the concept of eating in an environment that makes you uncomfortable does not appeal to me - especially as something that you're expected to pay more for.

That's it. I'm going home. I should just sleep off the negativity. I'm done.

I... just can't get out of bed. Not today, not yesterday, not monday. I'm beginning to wonder if there's something wrong with me. I have no motivation left, no desire, no excitement. The only thing with me right now is this dark cloud over my head. I'm NOT smiling. I know I've gone through some major psychological issues lately, and all very quickly, but for some reason... I just don't think those are the problem. I don't care about them anymore. I don't care about ANYTHING anymore. I've either suddenly hit an extreme lazy point in my life, or I'm really seriously depressed and won't admit it. I don't know what to do. At least I broke down and cried last night. I haven't cried in awhile. And it was over something silly too. My father came home from work, and he had bought me a cookie. One chocolate chip cookie. Something so little and insignificant, yet it meant so much to me for no reason. I broke down and sobbed for a good twenty minutes over that cookie.

My mind is just muddled. I need out of here.
So, the overpaid oafs who swore that I'd get twenty-four hours notice before they came to mishandle and mangle my cherrywood furniture and my fragile china gave me three hours notice instead. The original move was scheduled for Friday and they're coming Wednesday, leaving me without a computer for nearly a week and in a frantic whirlwind of activity trying to make sure everything important is packed before they get here.

I am not in a good mood. This is one of those days where most people are lucky that I can't ignite things into flame with my mind or cause searing agony with but a look.

Ok.. I need to finish jamming my life into cardboard boxes!

Well, the cable modem istallation went a little slow. I was incorrectly advised that it could go through the cable router to the hub for distribution among other machines...
WRONG!
Also the service didn't start until after midnight.
So I had to buy another NIC for my serving machine. It will only jive when going directly to a computer. Whatever, that's cool, I can deal with that, I'm finally gonna get to utilize that Sygate software. I got it somewhere around the house.
Just piddlin' around last night I got a 90MB Unreal Tournament Server patch in a little less than an hour! That's awesome, and you wanna see jealous people? Come meet my co-workers. {anm] is jealous 'cause he moved a month after it was available to their old apartment, and now, way out in the country, he's stuck with 56k or nothing. Jason is so jealous that he has been pricing wireless "two way" internet access all day today. I will receive my static IP and domain name in a day or so. Then I will be hosting an Unreal Tournament site. If ya play online, give my site a shot. The name of the serving computer is Jeeves, and the server listing is Tex's Death Sentence I will post the IP as soon as I know what it is.
01:42 GMT

Last night I went to bed really early, around 10:00pm, so I woke up this morning at 7:00, then forced myself back to sleep because it was too early. Then I woke up again a few more times until around 9:00 when I finally decided to get up. I went over to the Gym for my orientation, but my appointment was double-booked, so I got bumped off to Friday. One of them gave me a quick demo of how to use the treadmill though so I could get at least start doing stuff tonight.

After that, I went back home for a half an hour and then decided to go into work early, since I really didn't have anything else to do. At work, we got a project that needed done by tomorrow, so I made that the top priority, but had to wait on some dependencies before I could do anything.

Everyone brought food in today for a thanksgiving-type of lunch. The production department manager deep-fried six turkeys. I've seen this done on TV (and it didn't turn out too well - more like fireball than butterball), but it seemed to go much better than what I expected. The first turkey had some strange spices in it which I didn't really like, but I tried another normal one later and it was great. TC helped organize most of the food that people brought in; she seemed especially friendly today, and that really brightened up my day.

JS was having a ball reading Cecil Adams's website. I couldn't believe that he'd never heard of Cecil Adams. At one point, I think he might have actually gone over the edge laughing so hard. He said he thought he had blacked out, and he seemed really concerned afterwards. I hope he's ok and that it was just a fluke. If anyone has ever heard of this before, please /msg me. He had a dentist appointment today so he left early thinking he'd be back, but later on called to say he wouldn't be back today.

I got my work caught up and since I was now waiting on JS to finish some code, I went home early. I was going to stop by the Gym on my way home, but I saw that the place was really busy (probably everyone still there from after work). So I went home for an hour and then went back.

I went in, walked around a bit, and then went over to the treadmills and did some walking for about 20 minutes. I was impressed at the technology they have in the treadmills. When you start, you enter your weight and age, and then tell it if you want to go for distance or time. It then measures your heart rate if you put your hands on the bar in front of you. It adjusts the incline to get your heart rate up to a certian point, then readjusts further to keep your heart rate there for the rest of the exercise. Then it gives you a minute to cool down at a slower speed. It shows you how many calories you've burned (I burned 150), and has indication of "watts", but that seemed to go up and down throughout the exercise, so I'm not sure what it means.

I actually worked up a sweat even though I only went 20 minutes at nearly the slowest speed. I really am out of shape. I look forward to going back. There wasn't anything negative about the experience. I always thought of gyms as being full of people who are already fit, and that I would really stand out if I went. There were quite a mix of people there, including young attractive ladies, older (>50) men, the musclemen, and other people like me who looked a little overweight. I didn't talk to anyone while I was there, but I saw quite a few people helping each other out.

<gump>And that's all I have to say about that.</gump>


05:16 GMT

I forgot to mention earlier that I got some DVD's in the mail today. I'm not much into buying movies right now with the MPAA being jerks and all, but I had to get these, as they are movies which I really *really* enjoyed.

I just watched Titan A.E. again. I really like this movie. I don't know why it got such a bad turnout. The only reason I can think is that the adults thought it was for kids, and the kids weren't interested because it was marketed for adults. I think the movie has something missing in the story here and tehre, and that a few points in the plot were not polished off, but there is some really nice scenery, special effects, and music. I love the soundtrack. It's a shame it didn't do well. If you haven't seen it, then I suggest you check it out. You'll probably enjoy it if you're geeky enough to be here reading this. It's not a perfect movie, but it's good entertainment.

Pauline and Elissa still don't speak
since that problem with the girl
and even though now
we all live in the same town
no one has seen her in months. But
Elissa remembers seeing Pauline
in the grocery store
this summer
and Pauline said she was dancing in a bar
and they went their separate ways.

On election day, i went to the bar Elissa named -
it was quiet. No one was dancing.
Two butch women were playing pool
and the bartender predicted the worst from the election
and the television droned on. I got a drink
for nerve, for hope, for Wildman who probably wanted one
but couldn't. And i asked.
As i asked, i tried to imagine her dancing
in a bar
i saw her dancing in her room, the corners and edges made soft
by laundry and pillows and papers and books
candles and ashtrays and coffee mugs, Pauline dancing
by the mirror, Pauline's cowgirl calendar on the wall, her cigarette smell,
in, close.
I can't put her on a stage. Not without a microphone,
her nervously clutched pages.
I can't say what color her hair is now, how long, whether she's thinner
or heavier. And i want the bartender to believe me. She wants to believe me.
She has blue eyes, i say.
Oh.

I gave my number to the girl who came out of the back,
Pauline's roommate. She promised it would get to her. I left, nearly giddy.

And so.
We don't know who our president will be. These things can take time. I don't care.
But Pauline - i thought i was so near!
Why don't you call?

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