This song taught me everything I know - it is (obviously) a pisstake of Everybody's Free (To wear sunscreen), by John Safran (sp?), who participated in a TV series on ABC called Race Around the World a few years back where various young people had to make a short movie in a different country every week.
Ladies and gentleman of the class of '98. People often ask me if I have any advice to offer. And when they do, I tell them this:
If you're unsure about what you're going to do with your life, try to remember some of the most interesting people didn't know what they were going to do at age 22, or even at 40. And nearly all of them are unemployed drug addicts, forced to live on cat food.
Also understand that friends will come and go. This is because of your irritating personality. Nobody likes you. So if the only thing getting you through the day is the misconception that people like you, end it now. (insert gunshot sound)
Learn how to smoke Winnie Blues. If you're under aged, get an older kid to buy them for you. Get to really know your parents. They're good for money. Milk them, then put them in an old people's home.
Travel as often as you can. Live in New York City once. Live in northern California once. Never live in Adelaide. It's a hole.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you wont. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. If you do have children, lock them under the stairs.
Do one thing each day that scares you. Sing. Dance. Jump in front of a car. Do not trust anyone that tries to update Shakespeare for the kids. And if you see Quentin Tarver in the street, punch him in the face for me.
If you're worried about the way you look, try to remember you're probably fatter than you think. Maybe you should consider an eating disorder.
Don't worry too much about the future. If you're nervous about an exam, ring up your school at the scheduled time and make a bomb threat. If you're a girl, lie about period pains to get out of anything you don't want to do. Cheat if you think you can get away with it. Remember, someone with richer parents is getting private tuition.
Shoplift as often as you can. Shopping centers factor shoplifting into their prices. So if you don't do it, it's like they're getting money for free.
When you're on work experience, steal a cabcharge and take a taxi to Perth.
Wear sunscreen, but only if it's that coconut oil that gives you cancer.
Keep your old love letters. If you see an old lover in the street, try to run 'em over in your car. Don't mess too much with your hair, or else by the time you're 35 you'll look like Greg Matthews.
Remember, you can wear your underwear four times without washing it. Forwards. Backwards. Inside-out forwards, inside-out backwards.
Congregate in gangs around train stations and shopping centers. It's a free country. It's public space.
Skateboard on war memorials. Smoke in your school uniform. Set off car alarms. Plant drugs on a teacher. Join a cult. Spike drinks. Don't flush public toilets. Remember, only you will truly take care of you. So carry a concealed weapon.
Don't wear P plates. Walk around with your eyelids rolled back. Touch your tongue on the tip of batteries. Be open to new love. Remember, you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex.
Expect others to support you. It's easy to get the dole, and still do cash in hand work.
Respect your elders. When your grandma dies, have her stuffed.
Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when you're kneecapped by a loan shark. Get revenge. Don't forgive anyone for anything.
But most of all, don't aim too high. You're probably only suited to an office or factory job.
And trust me on Winnie Blues.
These notes originally appeared as corrections to a different node, but the explanations might still be of interest:
"Never live in Adelaide. It's a hole". Adelaide is a hole of a city in the middle of nowhere (middle of South Australia, actually).
"steal a Cabcharge and take a taxi to Perth". Cabcharge is a scheme with all the taxi companies whereby businesses buys a book of cabcharges (a bit like a chequebook, you tear them out). When employees need to go somewhere, you get a company cabcharge out of the book and give it to the taxi driver at the end of the journey for payment after signing it yourself. It has your company name and account number on it, and the trips get billed to the company every month on one bill. Perth is around 4000km from any of the eastern cities, and hence the trip may not be appreiated by your host company if your are on work experience.
"It's easy to get the dole, and still do cash in hand work". The dole is a slang term for the unemployment benefit here, government welfrare for the unemployed. Naturally, you are only eligible to recieve it if you have no or very little income from employment, hence the neccesity to do cash in hand work, so that the government doesn't cut off your payments.