Chris Rock's spoof on the silly Sunscreen, the advice of which has no more depth than that poster of the kitten that says "Hang In There" on it. Severely edited when broadcast on the radio and MTV, here are the words of Rock's moving graduation speech...


 
Ladies and gentlemen of the G.E.D. class of 1999, I have one piece of advice for you: No matter what a stripper tells you, there's no sex in the Champagne Room. None. Oh, there's champagne in the Champagne Room, but you don't want champagne. You want sex. And there's no sex in the champagne room.

Don't go to parties with metal detectors. Sure, it feels safe inside, but what about all those niggaz wiggin' outside wit' guns? They know you ain't got one.

If a woman tells you she's 20, and looks 16, she's 12. If she tells you she's 26, and looks 26, she's damn near 40!

Take off that silly-ass hat.

The ODB couldn't have possibly committed all those crimes. Coolio did some of that shit.

Young black men, if you go to a movie theater, and someone steps on your foot, let it slide. Why spend the next 20 years in jail 'cause someone smudged your Puma?

Cornbread - ain't nothin' wrong with that!

No matter what you think of what I'm saying, remember this one thing: there is no sex in the Champagne Room!

If a homeless person has a funny sign, he hasn't been homeless that long. A real homeless person is too hungry to be funny.

If a girl has a pierced tongue, she'll probably suck your dick. If a guy has a pierced tongue, he'll probably suck your dick.

Here's a horoscope for everyone:

No one goes to Hooters for wings.

If you've been dating a guy for 4 months, and you haven't met any of his friends, you are not his girlfriend!

Some of the things I've said may not apply to you. Some of the things I've said may offend you. But no matter who you are, you must remember this one thing: No matter what a stripper says, there's no sex in the Champagne Room. None.

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